its true.

   in many ways i have become spoiled.

   its embarrassing to admit, but things always seemed

   to have come easily for me.

   i knew what i wanted and went after it.

   and i really never considered things not

   working out the way i hoped.

   but now everything is changing.

   and nothing is the same.

   and things havent been coming so easily.

   and while my friends and family are still there,

   offering everything to me, i have this constant urging

   to just go and be on my own.

   i have to figure out what it is i want. i always knew, but

   im not sure what that looks or feels like anymore.

   but i do know this.

   this time around, what i choose,

   will not be based on another person.

   it will not be based on guilt or obligation.

   it will not be based on a relationship or pleasing others

   or bowing down to what culture defines as appropriate.

   it will not be based on being the "good girl" i have always been.

   it will be from the deepest part of my guts

   even if it scares the hell out of me.

   it will be from my deepest desires and i will

   find it no matter how much of a tangle i have

   to get through to get there.

   i still have the part of me that is strong.

   i still have a solitary strength that can get me through.

   i still have a part of me that knows enough not to sit around

   waiting for the golden egg to land in my lap.

   i still have the part of me that knows when it is time to go

   even if it means a heart breaking rip.

   and damn it ,

   damn it,

   damn it,

   i am not too old.

   so there.

                  - Jen Gray-