I'll accept that there are things beyond my understanding, but I just don't know how to stop asking questions.
One of my dear friends told me today that I think too much. I know I do - short of knocking myself unconscious, tell me how to stop doing it.
I was called on a consult today for a small child - ordinarily, I stay away from pediatrics. It is way too heart wrenching for me, and I have a great deal of difficulty leaving those emotions at work. I went to see the most beautiful little boy. He is about 3 years old. He will never speak, or move or even eat on his own. Weaning him from the ventilator was a small miracle in itself. He has minimal awareness and responsiveness. He hardly shows any activity, let alone purposeful movement, but his eyes are absolutely amazing, and his little lips were set just like a cherub. I could easily understand how his parents fell in love with him.
I did the consult and left feeling grossly inadequate, trying to console myself with the thought that I might have lessened his suffering, although the longterm impact is probably neglible.
I have a hard enough time finding purpose in my own life, so god only knows why I am so consumed by asking this as well. Where is the purpose in this small person's life? Is it to remind the rest of us how truly fortunate and blessed we are ... to shame us with perspective and distract us from our own relatively minor struggles? I don't know.
What is the purpose of suffering? How can you place a value judgment on it - this little baby surely hasn't committed some offense or made choices that resulted in his state in life. Sometimes, people think the suffering is there to teach a lesson. From a practical standpoint, best I can determine, this child has no capacity to learn. As for me, the only lesson I learned today was a selfish one - I am still not cut out to treat children.
I'm rambling a bit - I am at a loss to express my emotions coherently. I am haunted by the prospect of this child's pain and discomfort, the burden of living with incurable disability, the strain on the parents ... what is the reason behind it?
How do you release the questions you cannot answer?
