Hey, Silver, my friend and only commenter! How you've been?
I got to tell you, you somehow became my best body, you know...?
Anyways, so it looks like Iav is gone.
We've had that talk I already blogged about, but than he didn't want to go. I felt horrible, because his birthday was comming up, and I've just spent a whole bunch of money oh his gifts - I don't know why I did that, cause we are already in debts, but I just really felt like I have to do something big, something he'll remember forever. So when he stayed, I felt almost releaved to see that he stayed, even after having a huge arguement on the night of his birthday, that've we've spent in an extremely expensive restaurant - on my visa of course. See that's the one thing that puts me back in the cold "break up mood". To think how much debt I have to deal with since I am with him. He is an irresponsible spender, and I allowed his spendings to hurt my own packet. My fault, but that's only because I am a good person who has a hard time to say no. So it is really the best that he's left. Seriously.
During that arguement even he got brave enough to say what he really felt about this relationship, and that was exactly what I thought about it too. I know he is uncapable to live the kind of life tsyle I am living, I know he has a big issue with being responsible, and I know he is not at all ready for the role of a father. So no surprise there.
Than, we've had a second big talk, when again, I told him that I cannot do this any more, and that I think we need to get separated. Of course, he stayed again, thinking I'll just go to sleep and forget about it by the day after. But this time, it didn't happened.
I didn't want any phisical conection, I didn't kiss him, or wanted him to kiss me. He was really hurt by my cool, and I kept expaining to him, that I will not get into big talks again, so he just going to have to understand that I am really disapointed in him, and love in an unfair request by him right now. So IF he thinks he can turn things around, and make me belive in him again, fall in love again.... Well, I'm not gonna stop him, and I'm not gonna kick his ass out before I give him that last oppurtinity. It seemed like he tried take it all in, and work with what I had to offer.
That's mainly because I have arranged him a job interview with the owner of the company he was employed at, and fired two weeks ago. He was just sitting around the house, sleep in every day, than going to friends untill early AM hours just so he could start all over again the next day. Each day I got mad at him he told me that "tommorow" he'll do all the things he needs to do....... So I just couldn't watch that happen, called his boss and got his job back for him. And that's just my point. I always argued with him about that new guy he took with him to work with, cause he is one of those no good for nothing kind of guys, who just get you into trouble. He didn't belive me, got himself into trouble because of that other guy, and now what? Sitting around waiting for magic? And that what? Move back to France, getting another dead end job, getting nowhere in life? It might be OK when you are a teenager, but when you are getting close to 30, you should really have more common sense, don't you agree?
Anyway, so he tried to show me that he is in fact capable of being responsible, capable of becoming a hard working, simple dude, and he stayed. He stayed and I was hoping to get back to a point when he no longer annoys me, so letting him stay would actually make sense.
He re-started his job on Sunday, and now agan, he acts as if he was the only one who ever worked on Earth. It doesn't matter that I work 3 jobs, and cook, and clean. He is tired, cause he works now. Than he MUST go to his friends, cause ... wait a minute, why does he still have to go to friends house now....? Well, I don't know. I didn't even care, since in my mind, we are about to break up, it's just a matter of time when he realises it.
But he just didn't want to go. He kept sending me messages, kept tring to hug and kiss me.
Today, I had an important meeting and had to leave my son with Iav. He called about a couple of hours ago, that he must go, cause a friend asked him to help him with something and that's so important that he can no longer look after my son. Hmmmmmm.
I've said, OK than, just pick him up from his art class (which gave him an hour break by the way) and bring him to wherever I am ( about a 10 minutes walk away). I might be leaving by than, so we might even meet in the middle, but if not, my son can wait a couple of minutes for me. Well, I was waiting and waiting and no one came. I started to walk home after the meeting and called Iav to ask him how far did they get, but he said he already left, but no worries, he left a key and a message on the door for my son!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT???????
WHAT???????
My son is only 9 years old, and does not walk home from his art class alone! Living with us for over 7 months Iav should really know that!
Of course when I got there, my son was crying, and everybody was trying to help the poor little boy, who was left alone and no one was picking him up. How embarrassing!!!!
I've got so mad, expecially because my son crushed, that Iav promised to him that he will pick him up, so he should wait for him. My little boy just cried and asked me to ponish Iav, for being a bad boy.... I hugged him and told him that Iav had to go and that he didn't mean to break his promise, but inside I was so pissed I knew this was the last drop.
I was gone for a couple of hours, and this time I didn't wait for him with dinner. I've made enough for just the two of us, and we were in the middle of dinner when Iav walked in, acting like nothing happened. My son asked me if I remember what he asked me, and I replied, "yes, I do", and completely ignored Iav, who was asking what was wrong and why am I not talking to him.
Iav knows me, and he knows that when I don't talk I am really mad. I am not yelling or making a big scene. I stop talking to him at all. The last time I did this Iav got so upset about it, that he took all his clothes and left the house. He didn't call or try to contact me at all for two weeks, and I was kind of upset about it. I really missed him as my son missed him too. I mostly worried about the cell phone I we've got on my account, cause he took it with him, and I am still paying the monthly payments on it.
Of course, this time I've got the same reaction. He started packing, asking me for a suitcase, which I denied. I told him that this time he'll leave the cell phone, and that got him into argueing, but I didn't give in. He packed all his stuff, and complained about not finding his passport, asking me to start looking for it. Of course, I did not get up, since I really didn't see what was the hurry. When I asked him to leave he didn't go, but now, when he wants to pack, he is in such a hurry that cannot take his time to find his own passport?! And I should look for it? Yeah, right.
I guess my ignorance and unwillingness pissed him off, and he started making a lot of noise, shutting doors and all, as if this was his house or something. See, I might write long blogs up here, but when I decide that I am finnished with a person, I don't even give a chance to urgueing. I do not start to explain myself, cause I know it'd only lead to arguements, so even if it eats me up from the inside, I keep it my thoughts to myself. I could have told him what I just wrote up here, but I didn't. He can think whatever he wants. I'm rude? OK. I'm a bitch? OK. I am too harsh on him? Let it be. I don't care, cause I've tried to explain myself when I still hoped that it'd take us some where. Now I know that it's be just a waist of time. AND it might lead to calming Iav down, and he'd stay in the end.
But when he started shutting doors, and making a lot of noise, I got and for the first time in 7 months I yelled at him. He was so surprised by my reaction that he didn't know if he should explain himself in an apologatic way, or yell back at me. He did both, which could have been funny, in any other case. But when he yelled at me to shut up, I've just opened the door and told him to get out.
Iav knows that I am not playing. I am capable to call the police if I need to. I am capable of making a big dramatic scene if I must. I knows better. Without another word he left and I tured the key in the lock.
Iav knows that I am not playing. I am capable to call the police if I need to. I am capable of making a big dramatic scene if I must. I knows better. Without another word he left and I tured the key in the lock.
The most annoying part is that I knew exactly where the passoprt was, cause we've just cleaned out the house for Passover, and I remember that we've put everything in the little shelf stand next to the computer. But you know what? He was there too when we arranged the papers, so he should remember, it is his passport anyway, and it takes the very same effort to him to pool the shelves open and look inside as it takes to me.
I'm sure I'll find out later on what he might have packed up and took with him, but I think that the expensive things are safe. I checked his phone and he deleted all his call and message listings. That makes me wonder what is it he tries to cover? Maybe he already has another girl on hold. Actually, I'm sure there is no other reason for him to delete call records unless there is something he wants to hide. Well, just another thing to confirm I am right about this break up.
The question is, how long will this break up last? Is it really over? I mean, I know he'll try to get his passport sometimes soon, and by than there will be no point of telling him to look for it himself since he will no longer have the obvious liberty of getting into our closets anymore. And of course, taking him back after all this would be more than just silly.
But than again, he just started working again, and could really help out with those bills.
Also, it didn't feel good to watch him leave, and I know my son was secretly upset about it too. He wanted to see me ponishing Iav, but he likes having him around. He didn't really want him to leave. I remember those two weeks when we were separated. I actually missed him, and so did my son. I know It's gonna be hard adjusting to being alone again.
I feel like cryin'. I know I am supposed to be OK with all this. I know I was cool and that I did the right thing. I know that it's only going to benefit my son and I in the long term. Because Iav is not the right guy for me. I know all that.
But still.
Hmmmmmmm. I feel better a little bit now, that I wrote it all out of me. Moving so much in life has the unfortunate resolt of not having that one best girlfriend whom I could talk to in situations like this.
