PAPERBACKWRITER posted on Apr 27, 2008
| views: 345
I need to get this out of my system.
Those of you who have followed my blogs regulary (thank you!!!), must have an inkling to the current state of my affairs.
I have not written them in details not because I don´t want to share but because I was (still am!) overwhelmed and incapable of expressing them intelligently.
I blogged anyway. Reading my own blog was torture, and equally painful putting it out there.
I desperately needed to write/blog about my emotional state although I could not completely, satisfactorily, adequately accomplish it - sigh.
And now, here I am again trying to agonizingly compose my thoughts for my own survival.
I thank those, who will take time to read.
My apologies if it is not reader friendly. If I mull over what I am writing, longer than I am doing now, I will never blog and will remain a ghost of myself. . a ghost in SoulCast :( .
The gist:
I am undergoing a complicated separation. It does not make it easy, that I am dealing with a bipolar disorder at the same time. I feel like a dog, biting my own tail - one problem exacerbates the other : / .
Flashback:
When I joined SC in September 2006, my life was finally taking a very hopeful turn.
My theraphy was doing well, my girls were finally at the age that allowed me to move more freely. I went back to work the same year. It was bumpy but I felt back the old energy. The energy that made me realize my dreams. One of them was going to Europe and establishing my life here.
Most importantly, I felt strength in my conviction to start a separate life from my husband.
SoulCast:
SoulCast for me is providence; it was, at the time I discovered it, and still is.
Before SC.........................................
Ever since I could think back, I wanted to be a writer.
Reading has been a constant source of joy, guidance and solace, while growing up.
I read a variety of books. And every time I read a significant passage, that touched my soul a thought would come to my mind - "Golly, I would love to meet this author and say - hey, you touched my soul and made a difference in my life!" . This applied too, to authors long gone; I believed in time travel when I was young.
I could say, almost all the decisions I made in life was stirred by the ultimate goal of being a writer.
Before I came to Europe, before SoulCast . . .I derived my self-esteem, and later on my source of livelihood from the rewards of my writing.
Then, I lost it.
I lost the joy of writing.
I lost the ability to write.
I simply stopped writing.
What happened? I still don´t exactly know. I have been trying to unlock it. I guessed, the only way to do so is write what has happened to my life.
And this is how I came to SoulCast. . . .
I wanted to write freely. I wanted to write without worrying about grammar, form, and composition. Without deadline and without someone to please but me. I wanted to write for my own satisfaction.
Still, at the back of my mind, I was nurturing the wish to be a writer. Someone whose words will touch someone, and make them think and say, "Hey, you touched my soul and made a difference in my life!"
If I can touch one soul, if I can change one life through writing, then my dream has been fulfilled.
Present:
What exactly is this blog about?
Well, it is me simply blogging.
Recording my thoughts, writing them down to have a better grasp of who I am, where I have been, where I am going.
Perhaps, someone will read it, and find themselves in the words that I have managed to squeeze out of my fuzzled brain.
Perhaps, someone will find inspiration, and say, hey she is struggling too, and not giving up even if she feels stupid, lost and many times desperate.
And you know what, dear gentle reader? dear gentle friend? When I started writing this post (gah, 10 hours ago!) I felt miserable. But the process of writing - simply writing and going back to my previous blogs to link it here -, to gain perspective- I realized, right in front of my nose - I have already fulfilled my ultimate dream!
I changed my life. I changed my life by writing. DING! DING! DING!
This Humble SoulCaster´s Word of the Day :
It has been said before me by many. . .derived from the golden rule
Whether you are old or new in SoulCast, you reap what you sow. . .
Paper Postscript :
The original reason for starting this blog was my misery on being under popular members.
It was agitating me because of isolated nasty occurences when I first started blogging here in SC.
I wanted to get rid of my anxiety over possibly being attacked (again!) , this time because of being on the list under the title popular member. I don´t want to write down what I have been called before, just because I was (am) actively blogging and interacting here in SC.
In overcoming my fear, I discovered myself. . .not a bad Sunday.
To borrow the words of one of my favourite blogger here in SC - queenparanoia
Keep on blogging!
Comments
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Never_Mind_The_Quality said on Apr 27, 2008....
I haven't even finished your blog yet but I scrolled down to tell you this:
You touch me. You touch my heart. You touch my soul.
By who you are and by what you write.
I know I'm not alone in this.
My wish for you is that you realise how many people you touch and that
you finish your book.
Your ~Q
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Actorguy said on Apr 27, 2008....
This was beautiful, paper.....you touched me too. -
wishyouwerehere said on Apr 27, 2008....
PBW - I am so sorry that you are going through these struggles. For me, the pain of the divorce and separation was transformative. I am still coming out of my coccoon, but I hope to see you blossom and bloom as well.Your words are like a soothing balm, even when they are filled with emotion - they reach through the screen and remind me that I am not alone. You have a powerful talent. Your ability to write isn't lost and neither are you ... it only feels that way sometimes as you are changing paths.Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us - Wish -
moonriver said on Apr 27, 2008....
Paper, my friend, I should thank you a hundred times for writing this blog. I'm very sure too that you are on the right track. How do I know? Because I now realize that I'm on a parallel path, and the things you wrote here about your life have struck resonant chords in my own life. ((hugs))
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Lucytorial said on Apr 27, 2008....
Its wonderful to see the changes of each long timer sc'r, you have to be one I always read, not always comment on.
One foot in front of the other dear, just one step at a time, no rush, enjoy the ride and laugh out loud when you feel your stomach go twirly on you, then get back on the ride again.
-
mobil said on Apr 27, 2008....
You're doing good Paper, you sound really good. I have only one tiny piece of advice for you today. You are still thinking too much, shut that thinker down from time to time. Learn to do this and the World is your oyster. Good luck Paper. -
sweet_cookie01 said on Apr 27, 2008....
paper... sometimes the past happened just due to the result of circumstances, no reason at all... it just happened. Finding reasons for everything that happened in the past i something that i use to do, and it drives me nuts! I learned to let go and concentrate on what is now and learn to be happy for tomorrow.what ever was the reason that made you lose the flare before... forget it.. because you have started to shine brighter than before! -
CreativeWoman said on Apr 27, 2008....
You are always making progress, Paper. :-) That inspires many of us. I'm proud of you.
CW
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diabolicdame said on Apr 28, 2008....
Hey paper, I just wanted to let you know that you've definitely touched my soul and made a difference in my life!! :-)
I'm sorry for all your struggles, but you are doing well and getting past them. Thats what matters. I'm always inspired and touched by your words.
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jezzabell said on Apr 28, 2008....
An awesome read.
It's always good to hear about why other people blog, and what they get from it.
And making it through awful bad things makes us far stronger. -
evil_twin said on Apr 28, 2008....
Writing helps me too. In fact, sometimes it's the only thing that helps me. And it's always an added bonus when the things I write, end up somehow helping another person. It's amazing to think that's possible, isn't it? But what you write does help people too. And I think you're doing a great job getting stronger. You've come a long way just in the short time I've known you :-)
-evil_twin LA
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queenparanoia said on Apr 28, 2008....
yes keep on blogging my ate papel...youre a writer remember that!!! youre posts have touched me more than once and i'm thankful that i met a human being like you!!! =)for me i strated blogging to release the grief i felt when my friend died. i wanted to write what my emotions are... and in the end i found myself.. very cool...so keep on blogging paper... keep on blogging... =) -
LtCmdrWorf1 said on Apr 28, 2008....
Hey Paperback,
I can identify with your reasoning on so many levels. Writing for me is very therapeutic. Life can sometimes get you down,and there's no better way, I believe, to deal with it than to talk or write about it. My name with yours is on the popular members list. I don't know how that happened, and it has, as I feared it would, made me the recipient of some rather crude and childish comments. It's all good though, most of the people here are very supportive. So, I take the good and try to ignore the bad.
I just want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles with life's little setbacks. I realize of course mine (setbacks) are not yours, but we both choose to deal with them through our writing, that's a good thing. Peace and Long Life
Love Worf
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Battycat said on Apr 28, 2008....
Writing is good for me too, I can't write, but sometimes just getting my thoughts out here helps. You write so well {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}Keep on writing :-) -
GrapeKoolaid said on Apr 28, 2008....
"Hey, you touched my soul and made a difference in my life!"
When I was a kid, I used to hold my finger an inch away from my sister and say, "I'm not touching you...."
Then I'd get a sock on the nose. :D
Turns out, by not touching her, I'd get touched(severely). :D
The physical act of touching, the contact of skin on skin is something that is so intimate and personal... The touching of soul is something that is just as profound, I'd say...
I've been touched by you many times. I think you and I've held our virtual fingers out at each other saying, "I'm not touching you" a few times as well, but we always end up touching...
You are a beautiful soul. My life has been greatly enriched by our encounter. :)
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LtCmdrWorf1 said on Apr 28, 2008....
Grape, you are always so eloquent. I want to be like you when I grow up :) Peace and Long Life Everyone.
Love Worf -
iamshay said on Apr 29, 2008....
Hi paper! this is the first time I truly read your post. made me glad because you are fighting a good fight. I am grateful I found your post at the right time,.You just don't realize how you moved people through you writings.keep it up my friend =) -
beautifulbecuaseofhim said on May 02, 2008....
Paper,
You are so awesome! I can feel your pain, understand your struggle--not just because of your writing but because I too am living this life. I am struggling to fight depression and the oh so strong desire to drink and I too am seperating my life from my husband's. I came here because of the need to write, to communicate--to know I'm not alone in this. You are there, I am here, but we are together just the same. You write beautifully and what you write touches the lives of many. Don't ever forget that.
BTW--I have been afraid to blog too much as of late, but look forward to a few weeks out when I can blog to my hearts content and not have a worry of who is reading what. When that happens, I'll share my story with you.
{{Hugs and Kisses}}
BBoH
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