I feel very much like a lost soul - just like last Sunday. Going to church doesn't feel right anymore, and staying home makes me feel excluded and lonely.
I'm not all that confused about my personal beliefs - I am just not sure where they fit in. There is no more neat category, no set of formalized rituals that suits the need.
There is too much intricate, exquisite design in this world, from the simplest blade of grass to the complexity of the human body for me to believe that God doesn't exist. There is a Divine driving force behind this universe.
As a Christian, I have taken to heart the words of Jesus, but even the most basic tenet ... do unto others ... poses a tremendous challenge sometimes. How do you do unto others when that person is crushing your spirit and taking advantage of you? How many times do you turn the other cheek before resorting to self-preservation?
And is Jesus really God's Son? Maybe the Muslims have a point. Why would the Almighty need a Son? And does the Holy Trinity somehow contradict this idea of having only One God? The mystery of the Trinity has disturbed me since I was a child. I could never reconcile it with the first commandment - I am the Lord, your God and you shall have no other gods before me.
Eastern thought appeals to me - the universal consciousness, this idea of finding God within. My deepest moments of connection with my Source comes during meditation. There is no arguing with experience. Yet, it is not only about what is inside of me, but what is inside all of us. I am blessed with so many people in my life who touch my soul. Going outward as well as inward is essential for this elusive goal of enlightenment.
There is one particular teaching that I am clinging tightly to right now - it was Jesus' invitation to question. "Ask and it shall be opened. Seek and you shall find." God wants us to understand, and not to simply follow. It must be a deliberate decision to worship him. True adoration does not come from default - i.e. - I was raised Christian, so Christian I remain.
Then, there are all the doubts, the existential questions that have plagued humans since the start of our awareness. There is an apparent contradiction between the way of the world and a God who is both all good and all powerful. Free will allows the existence of evil, but it also permits us to demonstrate the authenticity of faith. How hard would it be to worship a God who granted every wish without struggle or challenge?
I do not regret the questions or doubts ... I just wish I knew how to find better answers. My only consolation is that I seem to be in very good company according to what I have read from certain respected philosophers, e.g. - Kant, Kierkegaard ...
Soren Kierkegaard described the value of this struggle by writing "For one to truly have faith in God, one would also have to doubt that God exists; the doubt is the rational part of a person's thought, without which the faith would have no real substance. In plain words, to believe or have faith that God exists without ever having doubted God's existence or goodness, would not be a faith worth having."
I am not doubting the value of faith. It's this search for truth and inner peace that seems to be getting more complicated.
