My grandmother isn't only my grandmother - she is my mother, my best friend, my grandmother, and my child all rolled into one. She is part of the fabric of my soul - we have always had this connection that lies beyond time and space.
I adore my grandmother so much - I remember being told at the convent I attended 'you must love God more than anyone else', and thinking 'but that's just not possible - there isn't anyone I could ever love more than my Nanna'. And now she's 89, and sick with cancer, and the inevitable is happening.
I know all about 'she's had a good life, blah blah blah'. What I don't know is how to cope with the loss I have dreaded my whole life. If it's all so natural, and inevitable, then why is it so excruciatingly painful? Why do I feel like I am being ripped into a thousand pieces? How do I live without this person who has been the one constant in my life - my rock?
Today I heard clattering in the kitchen, and imagine this - here is this tiny trembling little person making ME a cup of coffee. It's probably the last cup of coffee she will ever make me.....I'm crying so hard it feels like my heart is hemorrhaging through my eyes....How can it be SO hard????
Fire-flower posted on Apr 27, 2008
| views: 287
Comments
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pickersplock said on Apr 27, 2008....
Oh, I know what you mean! I lost my Dad in January.It's not meant to be easy, you know.But we get through it day by day, and it makes us appreciate what we have all the more. -
wishyouwerehere said on Apr 27, 2008....
Fire-Flower - I am so sorry to read this. My Nana is 95 and yes, she has had a good life, but I also dread the inevitable. I know how fortunate I am to have had her for such a long time, but that only makes the goodbye all the more painful.Hoping you will find comfort - Wish -
lionesss said on Apr 27, 2008....
my granma was my mum, even though i have a mum i dnt see her as my mum,you see , my granma protected me from my mum, she picked me up when i was down she held my hand when i needed some1 to talk 2 she didnt judge me , when times got rough with my mum & me she would step in and take me away, my mum used to abuse me pyhsically& mentally, , i dreaded the thort of the day she died as that would be a piece of me goes too, now she has passed away, my world crumbled, i hated every1, everything, my grandad is still here, i wear my granma weddimg ring with pride,now its 8yrs on and its stil sad and stil hurts but she is in my memories and lives on in my memories, as i say TO LIVE IN THE HEARTS WE LOVE IS NEVER TO DIE ,,,,, thats is also on my dads grave as iv lost my dad also, i have hardly any relationship to speak with my mum but i have a daughter n son also a very dear grand,daughter myself so hopefully she will love me like i love my granma xxxx -
Eilan said on Apr 27, 2008....
I'm so sorry. I lost both of my grandmothers at the beginning of this month, within 30 hours of each other. I wasn't that close to my dad's mom, but my maternal grandma was my rock.
I'm still trying to get through the days. It gets easier, but little everyday things trigger emotional reactions, ya know? I still think that I need to call her to brag about my girls or check in to let her know that I'm okay, and then I remember that I can't.
Again, I'm very sorry. -
gingersoul said on Apr 27, 2008....
I am sorry......i still recall (perfectly) the last time i spoke with my grandma many years ago.....she was talking and i was only trying to make it short because i had to run out of the house to meet my friends for a ski vacation....
When i went back she was dead.
Its difficult to accept the death of a loved one...i lost my sister two years ago.....time helps a bit...day after day...
your memory of her will always remain in you......
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Fire-flower said on Apr 28, 2008....
Pickersplock - thank-you for your kind words, and hilarious posts;
Wish - exactly what you said - I've had her so long that I don't know how to live without her;
Lioness - that's my grandmother - my mother was not exactly blessed with maternal instincts, to put it politely, so only God knows what would have happened to me without Nanna;
Eilan - you put your finger on it - I don't think I'll ever be able to get over not being able to tell her what's going on. Hope you are right - that it will get easier;
Gingersoul - thank-you for taking the time - and I hope time will make it easier. Right now, it's unimaginable.
Thank-you all my angels who have left messages - it means the world to me.
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secretlife said on Apr 28, 2008....
i'm so sorry to read this.
of course no amount of "it's natural" is going to mean a blessed thing when you're in the middle of facing the loss of someone you love so much.
people say those things because it makes THEM feel better.....and nobody really knows just what to say about death....it's a topic nobody wants to acknowledge...
just enjoy her. hug her and tell her you love her as often as you can. there's still time to make memories that you'll cherish for the rest of your life....
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the_infernal_optimist said on May 01, 2008....
I'm sorry I'm just now catching up on things with you and your Nanna. I lost my own Nana (my dad's mom) on April 14th after she'd fought pneumonia for a few weeks. It is very hard. Especially when you have a special bond like the two of you share. I wasn't like that with my Nana, but I am with my maternal grandfather...and yet it was still hard. I'm still figuring out how to cope with and acknowledge the fact that Nana is gone. It seems impossible that she's not here.
Anyway, all that to say that you have my sympathy and my hand.
~Infernal
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quietone said on May 02, 2008....
there are no words, no real comforting words either. Just enjoy what you can together.. she will always be right there in your heart. -
Thinker89 said on May 02, 2008....
omg that was so touching and beautiful.... but i believe that no matter what your grandma will always be with you... her memory, her teachigs, her words will always be alive within you... i know it must be an increbibly hard time for you... but you will find the strength andn enjoy the time u have now! -
iamshay said on May 04, 2008....
Fire => [[[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]]God bless you and Grandma!!!I really don't know what to say [sigh] though I wanna give u comforting words but it won't be enough. I will be reading u, please keep us posted on grandma's recovery. =) -
Fire-flower said on May 04, 2008....
Secret - you hit the nail on the head
Infernal - I'll take both :)
Quiet - you are right - she will always be in my heart
Thinker - thank-you for your sympathy and support
Shay - just the fact that you stopped by, and took the trouble to comment, is MORE than enough. It's the little things that get you through, you know?
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soulsurviver said on May 06, 2008....
You touched me
Comment on "The best cup of coffee I ever had...."
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