alright so i got another phone call this morning aroud 8am, from my ARMY guy, he sounded really stressed and not excited about talking to me, but he did call. so, im all asleep but i see its him, and i mean im excited! :) so he tells me to get on my laptop now, that he sent me a message and he's stressing over what my reaction is going to be, and he wanted me to read it asap an tell him my thoughts.
so after a few minutes my computer loads, and i get to his message...a short message, of him telling me how he still has feelings for this other girl...keep in mind hes still on the phone.. alright so i knew of this girl, she's back here too in the states, my age, an apparently he wanted to date her for years, and she never let it happen. well now she's in therapy sorting out some issues, and part of it was her to be honest with him. so he got a big long email about how she has always loved him, an liked him etcetc, and how when he gets home she wants to "hang out with him"...
alright, so his message goes on to say that he doesnt' want to be with her at all, but he doesnt know what to do. and hes like i never lied, everything i told you was the truth. and everything. and he also said he was sorry for hurting me, he said on the phone even though i wouldnt fess up to him hurting me he knew it did some.
well he had to go and he asked me for a quick response to which i said, i knew he wasnt fully over her 100% but ok. and that was it, he said bye, i didn't even get the excited bye, or i love you like 2 days earlier.
SO, i responded to his message, an i was honest, i told him that i knew he wasnt 100%over her but i thought that with the length of time we have been talking and everything i was hoping slowly but surely he would be moving those feelings over to me; since she never even gave him a chance. i said that, i understand if he wants to create something with him because he has wanted it for so long, but that i do have feelings for him. did this hurt? yes! i did let out a few tears after we hung up, more so shocked, not expecting to wake up to that news, not wanting to wake up to that.
and then o something i didnt mention he said that we should slow things down, that i am getting my hopes up about us being together when he comes home! :( he was the one who said all those things, i have his old messages to prove it, it wasnt me, i didnt pressure him to do this, i didn't. i just dont understand. he did say that he wanted to hang out with her when he comes home, but hes scared itll make him like her more! but what about me? what am i supose to do when he comes home? and ive waited months to just see him. an the girl, the one who had her chance for 2 years decides she wants him now, and thats it?
im hurt, and upset, and i guess even more so, that i had left just a simple "i miss you cant wait to talk to you again" message on his myspace. but his comments have to be approved by him. well after that call i just wanted to look at his picture an think, and he approved the other girls comment! but not mine, mine isnt there at all..
im so confused, i am starting to think, that all of this was a totally bad idea. and im hurt more so because everytime i get my emotions involved it backfires! its always me who ends up hurt...always..im the only always standing there at the end..and it really makes me think, whats wrong with me? what did i do wrong...i dont understand..i really dont..
how come he can write me an amazing poem, tell me all his feelings, flirt soo much, tell me he loves me and he cant wait to hold me in his arms! and 2 days later, he ...hes thinking about her enough to send me that..
before we got off the phone he did say he still "LIKED" me and that hed never chose her over me. but the thing is, he already did, he did..he wants to see her, he already likes her, and i feel like im just in the way..
maybe i was wrong, maybe i am just supose to be alone, maybe theres something really wrong with me...i just i dont understand why i always get left..
hurt, upset, heart breaking, depressed, crying..
me
