I haven't had much to blog about recently - still haven't really.
I've been feeling a bit lonely lately, a bit out on a limb. I've got friends, but they all have children and husbands, so you can feel a bit of an intruder in their lives at times, and I tend to wait for them to invite me out or round rather than me doing the inviting.
I've been divorced for about eight years now, and initially after I got over the shock, I had a sense of relief, things hadn't been good for a while, I'd felt like I had no control over my life. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, and most important of all, I didn't have to try and pretend to be something I wasn't (I've never been very good at that)
My ex had a huge ego, image was the most important thing to him, how you looked, where you lived, the car you drove etc etc. I've never been like that. How did we end up together? I've wondered that myself many a time - when we first met he was going through a bad time, and we were living together in shared student accommodation, we got on well as friends, and I think I was just a shoulder to cry on, but that's for another blog.
Time marched on, he was still a student, I was nursing, and we just ended up married. It was my own fault really, I knew deep down we weren't really right for each other, but I didn't listen to my instincts, I suppose I was just scared of being alone, even standing at the alter I was having doubts, that's terrible isn't it.
After the wedding I thought everything was OK, and it had just been last minute nerves, and everything was OK for a while. It was when he started working and earning that the trouble started - he just wanted more and more, it scared me, he would take me to see huge expensive houses, and tell me we could afford to buy them, he was working for himself by then, but I had no idea what he had, one week we could have owned Buckingham Palace, and the next he was worried about paying his tax bill, and when the work was going to come in.
He also wanted me to change, I've always been the jeans and tea shirt type, he knew that when he met me, I ware uniform at work, so I don't need smart clothes, except for going out, but he would have liked me to have dressed up ALL the time. Going out, he wanted to go to the most expensive restaurants, where I like the casual places where you can relax, and get "normal" food, it used to annoy him that I wasn't impressed with all this. We tried to have children, but that wasn't successful, it wasn't on the cards for me(again, another blog)
I know, it takes two, and I'm not perfect, I probably didn't make enough effort in the relationship, but some of the things he said to me were awful, and I stayed with him, I can't believe I had so little backbone backbone then.
Anyway, after nine years of marriage he announced to me he was leaving. I was just washing up in the kitchen before I went to work, and that was it, the end. Now, nearly ten years later I feel maybe I would would quite like to be with someone again, but I have to admit the thought of getting involved scares the life out of me, but I'm in my forties, and I really don't think I want to be alone forever.
My brother reckons I should try one of those dating web sites, but I'm not that brave - oh well, what will be will be. So that's another part of who I am, a very very long post for me, sorry :-)
