Friends, my heart is broken. Not completely broken, mind you; my husband hasn't left me, and he still loves me, and my baby is whole, healthy and happy. No, life is good... I guess I'm just really, really disappointed.
Before we got married, my husband and I talked a little about having kids. We talked about names (one of which we gave to our son) and how many we'd lie to have. I said I wanted at least three; my brother and I had problems while we were growing up, but all in all I wish I'd actually had more siblings. AJ said he'd rether have an even number so that no one would be the "middle child." That was fine with me.
Then I got pregnant. It wasn't an especially hard pregnancy, but it wasn't what I'd call enjoyable, either. Still, I'd do it again. AJ didn't want to read up on any pregnancy or baby-related stuff; he said I could learn it and tell him what to do when the time came. Then our boy was born... and he was a baby. Weird, eh? What I mean is, he acted like a baby. He had fussy time every night for a while. He slept a lot, and he didn't interact much with us at first. AJ had no idea what to do with him. They're best buddies now, but back then it was tough times for my poor husband. Not only was he faced with this alien creature he was facing the prospect of providing for it for the next 20 years, give or take. It's not surprising that he was overwhelmed at times, and confused.
Still, I was surprised when we went out for our first "date" after the baby was born (our anniversary- Baby Boy was 3 1/2 months old) and AJ said, "So, he's going to be an only child, right?" I thought he was joking. Then I thought he'd get over it as time went by and the memory of those early days faded. No such luck. AJ has decided that he doesn't want any more kids, and he claims many reasons for this decision. Financial reasons: he wants to be able to pay for university so any child we have won't be saddled with loans like we are. Personal reasons: he had (and sometimes still has) a bad relationship with his sister, who is 4 years older than him, and he wishes he'd been an only child. Ouch. I've never met an only child who didn't wish they had siblings, but that doesn't seem to make any difference. I can't imagine life without my brother- maybe it's because we're only 22 months apart in age, I don't know. In any case, THAT doesn't make any difference, either.
Here's the kicker: it really is his decision at this point. Oh, I could stop taking my pills behind his back and "accidentally" get pregnant, but I'd never do that. Not only would it be a serious mark against my integrity and unfair to my husband, it would ultimately be most unfair to the child. Every baby deserves to be born wanted by both of its parents. So my dream of having a large(r) family is over, and there's my heartbreak. I dreamed of having three or four kids running around, brothers and sisters growing up together, having each other's support and love when they grew up, their kids having cousins to play with, as my brother and I did... and now it's not to be. I know, I can give my little guy love, and we can go to play groups... but where does he learn to share? When does he learn that he's not the centre of the universe? How does he learn to settle differences with someone he has to live with? And what about the precious sense of family I have with my own brother, who drives me up the wall, but who I'd risk my life for in a heartbeat? I can't imagine growing up without that, even if it means Mommy having to deal with sibling rivalry for a few years.
Am I rambling again? Sorry. I guess I feel a little betrayed, though I know AJ has his reasons for wanting this, and his feelings are as valid as mine. Any thoughts, friends?
cfamommy posted on Aug 10, 2006
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Comments
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pinkjellybeans said on Aug 10, 2006....
I don't blame you for being upset. It's only natural. I am sure I would have felt the same in your position. Luckily, my husband and I planned to have more than one child but since having our daughter, BOTH of us have decided we only want one. For you, this must be very hard. How old is your son now? If he is young (and I don't want to undermine you hear; this is just my thoughts) I have a feeling your husband might change his mind? Is that a possibility at all, do you think? Nobody can blame him for changing his mind but it is unfair to you considering you have both been planning for a big family, considering you both seemed to want the same things. I wish there was something I could say that might bring you some comfort. I suppose you know your husband very well and will know whether this is his final decision or whether there is a chance he might come round to his original idea again. Either way, I can only hope that you will be happy... it must be a heartaching situation for you... PinkJellyBeans -
cfamommy said on Aug 10, 2006....
PinkJellyBeans, I just don't know. He hasn't wavered in his thinking on the subject in the past 11 months. My fear is that he'll change his mind after our first is over a year and a half old; I don't want more than a 2 1/2 year age gap between kids. I've seen too many families with a 3 or 4 year age gap where the kids just tried to kill each other all the time... I think I'd prefer to have them closer together, or to wait until the first is old enough to ask for baby brother or sister! -
kdarticles said on Aug 10, 2006....
My husband came from a family of 10 kids, that's right, TEN! I came from a family of 5 kids. I really liked having brothers and sisters. My hubby liked it also, but he decided that 10 were way too many. I also agree. I don't want to be pregnant that many times!!! He has always said that 4 kids was a good number. I always liked the number 6. We now have 3 and they are very close in age and 2 were huge surprises. (Birth control did not do it's job) I just didn't want to have them so close together. We try to be very considerate of the other person's feelings when deciding how many kids to have. Because as soon as we are done, he is going to have a little procedure done since birth control hasn't seemed to work for us. We both want to want each child, like you said. We have talked and talked and talked about it....I pretty much settled on 5 kids. I think it would be just right. Plus 5 is right between 6 and 4. For a while he agreed with 5. Lately however, he has seen how stressful kids can be and how much time they take away from "us” so he has gone back to 4. Some days he does say 3 is good enough, but those are just bad days, sometimes I have those days too! Anyways, I hope you and your husband can talk openly about it and discuss how you two had planned on more kids and how that is still what you want. Maybe you can pick a number in the middle. Hehe. I understand how it feels to hear your husband say "no more" after saying he would go for more. I know I do have 3 already, and you only have one child, but I understand your frustration with people changing their minds...the best thing for me has been to not "bug" him about it. I just ask him every once in a while to see if his mind has changed, also bringing up what I think about it so he can understand that it is my family also. I will wait to really push the idea, when I feel that my youngest is getting too old to wait any longer. Hopefully by then he will have had time too rest from the baby stage. I just want us to both want the same amount of children. I have always dreamed of him coming to me and saying "I want another baby". I don't see that happening, but I can dream. I hope my long comments help....sorry...hehe! Good luck to you! -
quidnunc said on Aug 10, 2006....
i can understand your disappointment. my wife and i actually wanted to have one more but it's not happening yet. we already have one lovely daughter and would want to have another one - preferrably a boy. the best thing is actually for you to talk it out with your husband. marriage, after all, is all about shared plans, shared decisions, shared dreams, and shared responsibility.
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