It’s been a very difficult time for me lately. I’m trying real hard to be happy and to pull myself up and not get too low. But I’m not winning. Things are just getting worse for me instead of better. There has been a lot going on for me and I’m just having a very difficult time coping with it all. Welcome to life, right? I know I’m not the only one. I know life has a tendency to suck for everyone. I’m not special. But I don’t really care because right now I’m selfish. This is about me. Not the rest of the world. And I’m really fucking tired right now.
I’ve talked my problems out with all the people who say they want to help. My friends, my family, my therapist. Everyone has listened to my broken record a billion times. But where has it gotten me? No where. It’s still the same old shit over and over. I’m tired of telling it. And no matter what anyone says, they’ve got to be sick of hearing it. Except maybe my doctor because she gets paid a crapload of money to listen to me. But no one else gets paid. In fact, I’m not sure what they get out of it at all. I know that friendship isn’t about what you can get out of a situation. It’s about caring and wanting to be there for someone. But after awhile, I just start to wonder how much more anyone can take.
Sometimes it feels like I’m so alone, even if when people are right with me. I’m unreachable at times. And it makes me just want to crawl away and hide from the entire world. I used to do that a lot more and no one seemed to notice. But these days I have different people in my life. And they don’t seem to want me to do that. But I still want to sometimes. In fact, most of the time lately I just want to disappear. I can’t deal with existing at all, and when you pile real life problems on top of my already damaged mind, I become completely catatonic. I can’t function. I can’t do anything. I can’t be of any use to anyone.
And all I want to do is escape. I just want something to take it all away. I just want to feel weightless and soar above it all. But I can’t. There is no way out. And the harder I try, the less I seem to achieve. I’m in quicksand. And no matter how many people I have in my life who love me, I can’t feel them most of the time. They love me, and I’m numb. How unfair is that to them? I want to feel what they’re offering but I’m too afraid to. Because if I believe in the way they feel, then how much harder is it going to be for me when they leave me? Because they all do. Eventually. I’m not easy to be with for any length of time. If I could have run off and left me a long time ago, I would have. I can’t ever let myself feel safe with anyone because history proves that love is temporary in most cases. Whether that’s friendship or romance. It doesn’t matter. Sooner or later, it always fades. It always ends. And if I let myself feel it, how can I survive when it’s gone?
I’ve learned the hard way that the more I rely on someone to help me, the faster they fade. I’m smothering and way too needy for the average person. The minute I start depending on someone else to be there for me, that’s when they leave. And then I’m left with a huge hole where they used to be. And I’ve relied so much on them, that I don’t remember anymore how to fend for myself. It sucks. It scares me. And the only cure for it is to never rely on anyone. I have to do this myself. I can’t expect anyone else to help me. I have to help myself. And I can’t do it anymore. I’ve forgotten how. If I ever knew at all.
None of this even makes any sense, I'm sure. I don’t know what I’m saying. That’s how tired I am inside. Nothing makes sense anymore. And the worst part is, I just don’t care anymore if it does or not. I’m done trying to figure it all out. I don’t think it would matter if I figured it out anyway. Every time I think I’ve gotten a handle on something, I lose it. Or it ends up only helping me for a day or two and then I forget it all. Or it stops working. What’s the fucking point? There isn’t one. There is no real point to any of this.
-Black Orchid-
Have you ever been so lonely?
There's no-one there to hold
Just pull me in or disown me
And then climb inside
My arms are open wide
Have a look inside
And it is not that I am scared to learn
Just why I'm empty inside
Just hold my hand to show some concern
If I live or die
My eyes are open wide
Help me look inside
I hear the water drip from the faucet
It's sweetly falling in tune, ooh no
I'm gently closing the closet
And I fall to the floor
Crawl to my room
The thought of ending it soon
Just let me sleep in my room
Hear me cry
Cry
Cry
I hear a knock at the front door, don't come in!
I try to look at you but I can't stop shaking
Leave me alone, just go away
Mother, I'm so scared
I'm so scared
An empty bed, but all of my sheets are gone
They're wrapped around me and you
And all is quiet but the drop of my gun
Cause I, I want to belong
To someone
But maybe life's not for everyone
