I started to post on someone else's blog and realized this is my own issue and maybe i better work it out - on my own. (oops I mean with your help) But, i hate bad marriages. I hate that people have to stick to them and try to make them work.
I tried so hard and for so long and feel so much of my life slipped away. I know that its my own bitterness and my own experience. I know that the bind has helped others stick through and make it better but..
I will never waste my time being with someone out of obligation or allowing someone to hold on to me without earning it.
The financial bind is still clawing at me even after his death and it hurts. The shattered dreams hurt.
Even as an owned slut i can't understand the feeling of property ownership that comes with a marriage license. The until death do you part whether i love you anymore or not.
"I will still hold on to you because you are my wife."
"I don't want the stigma of divorce""I don't want to loose half my property because of divorce.""I'd leave my wife but, I don't want to leave my kids""We've put so much into this we ought to try and work it out"
Is that what you want to hear when you curl up with your lover at night?
I wish that marriage was completely unofficial; that the government had nothing to do with it. That if you want your financial obligation then you need to form a separate financial partnership agreement.
If you want to declare to the world your intention to love and devote yourselves to one another for the rest of your life - then just do it. Throw a party and make your declaration. If it doesn't work out - why the hell go on torturing each other and wasting precious years. We only get older and find it harder to find someone else.
I believe in love and I believe in commitment and i even believe in monogomy. But, government binding sucks.
If I look at some relationships I know...(my bro for instance)
He treats his wife without respect. He knows she won't ever leave because she's afraid to loose her daughter (she travels for work and he would do anything to keep custody). Therefore he doesn't work to keep her happy. He doesn't worry about her happiness. He doesn't even seem to care anymore.
He would however be lost without her. His confidence would be shattered. He has never been so supported or loved (why? i don't know).
I picture how wonderful their life would be if he turned around once in a while and let her know that she is wanted and not just tolerated as the wife in the house. The decision he made so long ago. He keeps everyone wondering if he would make the same decision again. aggggggh it pisses me off -can you tell.
My own husband would tell me he loved me, he wanted to make our marriage work. He'd say the words I'd want to hear and then sit down, drink his Miller or Jack, watch his Nascar, and ignore me completely. 10 years of too much on his mind to worry about my needs. 10 years of "hey cut that out"
Fuck all that marriage shit - that's the bitter taste in my mouth.
I'll be Master's slut for as long as he wants me and no longer.
I don't believe you can get someone to start loving you again. You'll only cause them more pain. If they were to start loving you again wouldn't your rather they just came back to you of their own free will rather than some peice of legislation. And if you didn't spend all that time fighting to hold on to something you had already lost, wouldn't it be less painful? Wouldn't you be able to accept them back if you still wanted him?
I don't mean this to be hurtful to others. I know some of my very dearest friends are dealing with marriage issues. But, there's a difference between working together to solve a problem and staying together when love fades away. I'm obviously (i hope) talking about the later. And i've worn myself out so i guess my rant is over. I need a good cry to morn the wasted years.
dls
