I don´t know what to write really.

I don´t know how to express in one word - this tightness in my heart, the choking in my throat, the tears I am holding back.

I am where I did not want to be. I am stuck.

I only want to love and be loved; I only want to be good. So simple, yet seemingly impossible.

I know, I am not alone but my mind imprisons me.

Why, can I not escape myself?

Here I am naked, and raw . . . sticking it through . . . hoping . . . for ultimate liberation.

I have my map, I have my destination, I have someone holding the compass, I have beaming lights all around me . . . but I feel lost . . .


I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Though things have seemed to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
And the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost


I said, baby, you're not lost



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Comments

  • wishyouwerehere said on Apr 20, 2008....
    PBW - I think you read my mind this morning - it's been a very tough weekend for me.  Watching my ex-husband cry the other night, I wonder if he's finally gotten it.  Of course, that made me feel even more lost - I am so devastated that I have hurt him this way, but I could find no other way out.  He wouldn't or couldn't change, and I couldn't stay the same.
     
    Whatever you are struggling with, I wish you clarity and comfort.  Thank you for the beautiful song.  I had never heard it before
     
    I don't think the darkness ever wins, Paper.  There's this quote by Franci of Assisi that I hang on to when things are really rough "All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle."
     
    You shine - WYWH
  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....

    (((hugs)))

    Thank you for being here wish

    Words you write  in your own blog to overcome your struggles are words that lends voice to the madness in my mind.

    I am glad you liked the song, I came across Michael Buble before but I only discovered the song today, myself. 

    Silly, I know . . . but I was aching, and could not put in words the pain I am feeling.  What does a blogger do?!  Go to youtube! Thank goodness, for the internet: 24/7 therapist . . .type the keyword and you get answers. . .if only it is the same in RL. . .

    You are always in my thoughts, wish. . .I hope SC is giving your mind respite.  I love the end of the clip, it is like how I see SC. . .

    . . . I like seeing you out there when I trust myself to open the door and come out . . . yes, I like seeing you out there

    paper~



  • Mamie said on Apr 20, 2008....
    what is it, Jo? Keep your focus on where you are headed, my friend...the happiness you seek is right before you and you are ready....love to you...M
  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....

    (((warmest embrace)))

    Oh Mamie,

    your presence here in SC always gives me a strong surge of energy!

    This road I am travelling, is a weary path because many have journeyed before me.

    You are right, I need to keep my focus . . . I am almost there . . . nearer than I have been before . . .

    But sometimes, I wish this place in my life is not where I am now.

    paper~


  • Twylarants said on Apr 20, 2008....
    I never heard of this singer or this song, but it's beautiful. I'm glad it ended the way it did, it makes me think of Soulcast, also.
    You always come through, Paper, you always find the strength...you will this time, too.
  • quietone said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Ask and you will be givin, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will open ~  I know those demons that want to keep you where you don't want to be.  {{{hugs}}} my friend.  Know that we are here to support you the best that we can.  You are in my prayers always.
  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....

    (((((((((((((((((group hug with Twy & quiet)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Oh dear you both are making me weep joyfully

    snifffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

    snort . . . SCUSI. . .

    I need to do so many bureaucratic stuff - everything is looming over me, I just want to hide under the blanket! Gah, Sunday use to be lazy ones not a day to dread over what Monday will bring : (

    Did you lovely ladies, both hear me howl ???

    I miss my lovely neighbours here in our building :( . . . in the span of two years all the neighbours that I came to love all move out . . . I cannot seem to connect with the new ones . . . I could even though they all seem distant....but I am not in the right frame of mind. . .I am not good at faking : /

    This is what made me smile at the end of the clip, it reminded me of how people in RL reach out . . .and if one is not inclined (for whatever reason, whether physical disability or psychological stress)  there is the virtual world to keep one afloat until one is strong enough again. . .one just needs to reach out. . .

    I would love to have you as neighbours dearest Twy , dearest quiet!

    paper~




  • quietone said on Apr 20, 2008....
    paper ~ that would be quite fine with me also.  we could chat over a cup of tea and make light on any "dreaded" day.  {{{{hugs}}} but even though this is not RL we are still real people.  and that is what makes this place so wonderful... we can be miles and miles apart, but yet only a click away.
  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....


     Oh quiet (((hugs)))

    you know my deepest wish (ever since I joined in September 2006) is to be able to gather all the friends that I met here in SC in one place, wrapped each in a warm embrace and give them thanks!

    I´m quiet stubborn in fulfilling my goals and dreams :) . . . last year I met two beautiful souls in my life whom I would not have came across had it not been for the internet. . .I am sure, you know how it felt, having had the pleasure of meeting wombie!

    But yes, for now, I am happy that all of you are just one click away !!!


    For you dear queit & dear Twy !

    Scusi if I am redundant just in case you have already seen the stream of clips within the youtube that I posted. . .

    I think I came across Michael Bublé for the first time  either in Ginger´s blog or it was on her comment to someone else´s blog . . .








    Hope you enjoy ladies : ) . . .



  • quietone said on Apr 20, 2008....
    paper ~ you know that is one of my secret goals too, is to meet a few of my closest friends here in RL.  One yes, wombie, she is a dear, dear friend.  Another one I just missed due to cell phone probs, and I yet have 2 more I will meet this summer... to be announced at that time.  :)  thank you for the songs. 
  • Me-Myself&I said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Good Morning Paper! *smile* I have been to this post of yours twice....wondering what can i say.
     
    I totally relate to how you feel! So do i say....Misery loves company...no......The blind leading the blind...no......Don't worry be happy....maybe......
     
    All i know is when things in my life are all upside down, i try so very hard to keep my eyes, heart, mind focused on the light, what makes me feel better, good. Like a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone....taking a wonderful soak in my tub concoctions....wading in the river, looking for driftwood- i did the driftwood thingy yesterday! *smile*
     
    I quess what i am trying to say is above everything, make time to feel good, even for a little while. Time, faith,does heal .... fight the negative thoughts that crawl in the mind, just don't ever quit!
     
    Look at me just a rattling....am i talking to you or me?! ((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))  take care of yourself my dear friend. i'll light a candle just for you ....right now! *smile* ~see ya
  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....


    I will look forward to your post about those meetings, dear quiet!

    I am so sorry that I missed the pics you posted documenting your meeting with wombie!

    <3
    paper~


  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....

    (((tightest hugs)))

    Dearest Memy!

    The longer the comment, the more I get to know a friend. . .I lurvvv long comments!

    What you call rattling is for me bonding {{{{raining kisses on you}}}}!

    Thanks for the candle :_ ) . . . I do that too for friends, and love ones.  My girls love doing it in the church where their school is  : ) . . .

    . . .and here is a song for you my friend, I hope you like it : ) :





  • gingersoul said on Apr 20, 2008....

    Joanna.....i heard you saying my name, girl.....{{{hugs}}}

    I am glad i gave you a small link to yet another way of soothing your soul....

    I understand how lost a soul can be....having all the territories well marked and clear in front of you and yet pausing, still, scared not knowing which way to direct the first steps.....But the walk will push you ahead...life will always do...no matter how ready or imprepared we are.......and we learn new way to reach out along the way....

    I wish you a night of silence and deep dreams so your mind will rest and your heart will recharge. {{hugs}}.

  • the_infernal_optimist said on Apr 20, 2008....
    ((massive hugs))

    You just hang in there -- you're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Joanna. You can get through this, and better days *are* ahead of you. :)

    And in the meantime (and afterward), we're all here.

    ~Infernal
  • Never_Mind_The_Quality said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Sweets!

    The lazy sundays will be ours my sweet. I only promissed Quiet a sailing trip
    with us and the kids.

    Once in SC,  I was thinking of getting us all together in an old brown café.
    A bar, a Wurlitzer, a pooltable, all your favourite SoulCasters and some drinks.
    We'll fix Kyle's tubes outside, throw some darts and I bet we have enough to
    talk about and not be finished when we go home!

    In the old Soul Cast Saloon, the lights are on. The tables and busy bar are
    filled with people who are talking and drinking to each others health.
    Pete walks the old wooden floor towards the jukebox. He puts his hand in
    his back pocket and takes out a coin, puts it in the Wurlitzer and grins,
    thinking, "Lets take away that gloomy feeling by using this tune again".

    As he presses the buttons on the juke box, plasma screens in the bar
    come alive......



















  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....

    (((warmest embrace)))

    Yes dearest Ginger,

    I take not only inspiration from the writings in your own blog but in the words you share fellow bloggers - most of the time accompanied by music that speaks to the heart. . .

    . . . I recently wrote SL of how I take pleasure in getting to know friends deeper through pieces of themselves scattered in SC. . .

    . . .I am glad you shared the music of Michael Bublé here, his songs & voice indeed soothes the soul. . .

    J <3

    . . . because you always make me feel good, this is for you dearest Ginge :X :






  • mobil said on Apr 20, 2008....

    Good morning Paper, maybe afternoon there? How are you doing? You seem a little out of sorts this morning.

    Hey I saw the picture of your little girls on Jenna's birthday post, what beautiful little ones you have, what little blessings.

    I don't know what to tell you Paper, whatever life has been really tough for me, I've had to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes that in itself can be so hard.

    Put one foot in front of the other Paper, you will come to where the grass is green and the sun is shining, follow your heart, but use your mind. You mind is where your soul resides, together heart and mind will pull you through. God bless Paper.

  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....



    (((warm embrace)))

    Thank you dearest infernal,

    you are such a wonderful friend; I appreciate your words so very much!

    I admire your loyalty and steady strength (I love reading your interactions with Kyle, Jack & Nytquill) . . . you are the best anchor anybody could have (I hope you realize this too!). . .I wish in time, I could be as steady as you are.

    You are my hero!

    <333 joanna

    . . .  I hope the song below will entertain you dear friend, like it did me : )






  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....


    Ja Piet, what the heck with the Sunday blues, huh?! Let´s just dance the gloom away, but tonight I prefer this music :P



    Ik hou van je, Gouda : P

    <3333

    hamburger ; )







  • secretlife said on Apr 20, 2008....
    i can see you're not lost at all........just took a teeny wrong turn and paniced
    i'm glad, cause i'm not good with directions!
     
    one day at a time.....one day at a time.
     
  • Jenna said on Apr 20, 2008....

    Jo....I am so glad you are writing and getting your feelings out.  I am sorry  you are feeling so overwhelmed.  I understand the throwing the blanket over your head feeling.  And you know what....sometimes it is ok to do that.  I know your little ones need you and that is not always possible. 

    As  others have said here.....you do have to keep your sight on your goals and take baby steps towards them.  I know the pain of reaching dreams sometimes make you wonder if the dream is really worth it.  It is Jo....and you will make it, I know you will. 

    Make a plan, work at it.....and some days allow yourself to throw the blanket over your head.  Baby steps sweetie....baby steps!

    I love you!  ((((hugs))))

     

     

  • evil_twin said on Apr 20, 2008....
    I know the feeling of being lost very well. It's painful because you feel like it should be easier for you to find your way when you have people helping you. But it's not. Not always. And I totally understand how you feel.

    Just keep hanging on. You'll get there. And in the end, everything will be worth it and fall into place. Just try and stay strong :-)

    -Kyle
  • diabolicdame said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Hey dear paper.. ((((((((hug))))))))))..
    I've felt like this many times you know. Lost and stuck and holding back tears. It'll pass dear. It will. You just need to get through this phase. What helps me is usually thinking of the brighter days that lie ahead. Just hang on ok.   :-)
  • diabolicdame said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Aaaaaww.. so cute!
  • Never_Mind_The_Quality said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Ik hou van jou, mijn Hamburger!!!

    I love you , my Hamburger,

    When you are like this, I wish I were there with you.
    Only to be near.

    This music is piercing me, when I'm not with you.
    I remeber our dances at the club where we met again
    after I went off because I didn't understand you.
    Telling you, you weren't the only one who was hurting.

    I slowely got to know you better and love you even more.
    I could sway you around on this music.
    Until piano and violins became only wallpaper.
    Talking, whispering deep into the night
    Not wanting to go home.

    I yearn to be with you.
    I want to see Mary grow and take all of you
    on sunday picknics.
    Like you said, "Forever is just Enough".

    Be strong my girl
    We will be together. <3<3<3

    I Love You
    your Pete.
  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....

    Thank you for always being there for me, you  all mean so much to me . . .

    mobil ~

    secret ~

    Godmomsie ~

    Kyle ~

    diabolic ~


    I keep crashing : /  grrr and Mary-Tate has a stuffed nose : ( . . .I have put up the girls pic to make amends, that I will again not be able to give individual replies, right away. . .coming back tomorrow!

    I feel much better. . .sigh, I can not stop Monday from coming but I am much fortified now, thanks to your moral support and encouraging words.  Thank you so much <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

    joanna

    :X







  • diabolicdame said on Apr 20, 2008....
    You're most welcome dear J! I'm glad to be of help! :-)
  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 20, 2008....





    Voor Piet, liefste :)




    You're a falling star, you're the get away car.
    You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
    You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
    And you're the perfect thing to say.

    And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
    Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
    Baby, don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
    'Cause you can see it when I look at you.

    And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
    It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
    You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

    You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
    And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
    You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
    You're every minute of my everyday.

    And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
    And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
    Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
    And you know that's what our love can do.

    And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
    It's you, it's you, you make me sing
    You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

    So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
    So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

    And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
    It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
    You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
    You're every song, and I sing along.
    'Cause you're my everything.
    Yeah, yeah

    So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
    So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La







  • I'mNotHungry said on Apr 20, 2008....

    Paper,  I find that Michael Buble' speaks to me through his music too.  You're not lost,

  • I'mNotHungry said on Apr 20, 2008....

    (I don't know why my comments keep getting cut off - I'm SURE it's not user error!)

    Michael Buble' - you're not lost, and when I moved 100s of miles from my friends a few years ago, I listened to his song Home 100s of times.

    Paper, you have been a road map, of sorts, for me.  I see glimpses of my own way through your writing and comments.  You're not lost - look around - you are right where you are.

    Be well - H.

  • polarheart said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Dearest Paper,
     
    I just want to send you lots of love and prayers tonight.  You are NOT lost (and alone), just as that first song says.  Please know that you are loved and that there is a brighter tomorrow.
     
    Blessings and [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
    Polar x
  • skald said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Joanna , Parer I am here reading you and I´ve been looking at your pictures Justs  wanted you to know. 
  • beautifullybroken07 said on Apr 20, 2008....

    you put my thoughts into words i would never be able to express... amazing thats about it!! you are an amazing person, a mother, a daughter

    broken.xo

  • LtCmdrWorf1 said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Hey Paperbackwriter,

    you sound depressed.  I wish I knew how to post things from Youtube.  Aw, who am I kidding, I wish I knew how to find things on Youtube.  I'm not trying to jest with you when I say this, From your writing I sense that you are a person with all your faculties about you.  So I know you'll understand when I say this to will pass.  I know it doesn't mean anything now when your bummed out  because we all need to deal with loss  in our own way.  I feel from you, though, some serious strength of character, I know you will get through this.  I see from reading the comments here that you have a lot of people pulling for you, I among them.  

    I too sometimes wish that I could gather up all the good people here in one room and just talk about everything.  We could have tea, and/ /or wine and enjoy each others company.  Yes, that would be nice.  Peace and Long Life

    Love Worf
  • CreativeWoman said on Apr 20, 2008....
    Paper,
    I hope you are feeling better by now.  I think we all feel a little lost and overwhelmed from time to time. I know I do.

    I think that your heart knows where it wants to go.  So, maybe let it lead you to that happiness you seek.  :-)

    But, hey, what do I know?  I'm not exactly a relationship expert, but I wish you much joy regardless.

    CW
  • queenparanoia said on Apr 21, 2008....

    i wish i could meet you  for some jollibee and be goofy for one day. talk about each other's life and how we filipinos got each others back... well maybe one day we will... but for now please put a smile on your face and be happy... i know life may be unfair sometimes we feel lost in it... but always remember i'm here to keep you company. so smile ka na ha? i'll bet these videos will make you smile... =)

     



     


  • petitepapillon said on Apr 21, 2008....

    Aww paper, I know how you feel. I'm pretty much in the same boat; pretty much been there for most of my life.

    I hope you don't think me a hypocrite or whatever, but I can't help myself and it's so true what they say about people dishing out advice and yet not using it for themselves: You're going to get through this. You've got such beautiful babies and I know you have so many people that love you. You just have to take things one step and one day at at time. Things will get better and you will get unstuck.

    Just hang in there, sweetie. And I'll do the same in case you want someone else to hang around with you. *hugs*  : )

  • MrsLiar said on Apr 22, 2008....

    Its like you have read my mind...your words hit me hard.

    Oh i have always loved that song...and i love Michael..hes so adorable.

  • Lidiaxxx said on Apr 22, 2008....

    Beautiful song....you know i met Michael about a year ago..it was comepetly by random i was downtown in my city and he was there for an interview!..hes such a sweet guy ..and really GORGEOUS *Yummy* ..i loved him ever since <3..Omg your daughters are beautiful!!

  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 22, 2008....

    My deepest apologies if I have not been prompt in replying, dearest friends!

    Thank you all so much for your comments, I appreciate all your words, and the time you all took to leave words of encouragement.  My deepest appreciation!

    INH - I wish you look with the treatment! You are in our prayers and constantly in my thoughts. I send you lots of positive energy, dearest. (((hugs)))

    polar - I am glad you are always there dear Polly (not only for me but for so many here in SC, this gives me much hope and belief for people.You are such an inspiration for me!), and I will be always there for you in the best of my capacity. (((hugs)))

    skald - I feel so good to know you are viewing the pictures skald! It motivates me a lot to take picture, specially with you in mind.  You mind me rediscover the joy of seeing life through different eyes - the camera´s!

    beautifullybroken - I am happy to see you around commenting! I hope in time you will see your own strength too as I have felt and "seen" it through your words!

    Worf - LOVE & PEACE to you <333333333!!! Your words have warmed my heart enormously! I will give you a link to polar´s blog describing how to post youtube : ).  As is, I enjoy reading your blogs without them but I am curious what you would put up, if you would!
    ; )


  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 22, 2008....


    CreativeWoman
    - Oh but CW, I admire your ability to express what is most deepest in your heart.  Many a time, I have read your blogs to release the choking sensation in my heart, your words lends me  that release!  That is most precious than any advice in the whole world :_ )

    queenie - sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet  :)))

    I have to admit, I have seen them before in your youtube page. . .I am a subscriber to you, ´day! Your number one fan here : X muaahhh

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((mahigpit na yakap kapatid))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    sniff miss Jollibee [tummy growls]  . . . have not had any for at least 8 years!

    petitepapillon - I WILL BE SO GLAD to hang around with you dearest petite :_ )!  Do you know, even if it pains me to read the pain in your words ion your blog, I am happy you keep on writing. . .for it shows me hope, and your fighting spirit.  Just seeing your familiar username on this post now, as in other blogs of mine revives my heart even more. . .you reaching out, even if you yourself are hurting (((hugs)))


  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 22, 2008....

    . . . petite, i can remember your joy a year ago, as you read and commented on the blog  that I was expecting Mary-Tate . . .you will get to that happy place again. . .like I keep on holding on to the moment when I do too :_ )


  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 22, 2008....


    MrsLiar - welcome to my blog, and  once again welcome to SC !!!
    I will be following your journey of self-discovery, and self-empowerment : )

    Lidiaxxx - TELL ME YOU TOOK PICTURES !!! :D lol

    Just kidding! But if you did, post it, post it, post it! rofl XD

    Ooooh you must blog about it Lidia!

    And welcome to my blog,  a belated welcome to SC  as well  : ))) <3333333333






  • petitepapillon said on Apr 22, 2008....

    Aww Paper, you're going to make me cry. But thank you for such lovely words. It means a lot to me.

    And it's nice to have someone to hang around with.

  • Lidiaxxx said on Apr 22, 2008....
    loool i couldn't take any ...he was in a hurry :(..but i will when he comes back i heard hes coming by in the summer!!! and thanks paperrr :)
  • iamshay said on Apr 29, 2008....

    hi paper!

    I wonder if I could be able to say the proper words to enlighten you ,I do feel,I am not entitled to comment because I don't have much experiences on stuff, life in general. 

    I just want you to know that I am reading you and i am learning a lot from you=)

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