There have been many, many times since i met You, that i wondered if maybe i had mistaken my soul. This isn't working. This isn't how it should be. It's not that i don't like You, i feel so much for You. It's myself i doubt. Sometimes i feel dirty, or used. When i tell You, You are upset. i know that You care, the doubt is mine. i worry i can't please You fully. i have very few hard limits. sharp things, pointy things, burny things, dangerous shit, and sharing. i have had to ask You to please not mention sharing. i feel badly that for some this is such a simple thing, for me it is a massive mountain. i have always been totally honest with You. i can't, not won't do it. Maybe not forever, but definitely not now.
I can't even get my thoughts straight on this, so if this post seems a little disjointed, it's me.
i can't share. To me, what we do is so special, to see You do those things, those very special things, with or to someone else, would break my heart. i can't say now if i ever can. i can tell you though, what i learned about myself while You were away. You know already that when You are away, i am a lost soul. Not clingy and crying, just restless, anxious. No.... i have no idea about that either. You have given no reason to think that You won't be home. If You are home, and i can't see You because You are busy, at work, just plain tired, it never bothers me, yet if i can't see You because You are away, i am nervous. Go figure, if i knew the answer, then it wouldn't worry me. So.... when you were last away, lots of bad shit happened. my house was broken into, restructuring at work caused me to be demoted and lose my car, my son was sick. i really needed to speak to You. No answer to my messages. You didn't pick up my calls or return those. We were able to chat briefly online, i never told You what was going on, i should have. i had to learn to deal with it myself. i have learned to quieten that voice myself, that scared little voice, i don't know where it comes from.
my insides were churning, why can't you just call? why the hell are You away now? i need to hear Your voice. That lovely deep voice, it always sounds so confident, so sure. i think thats why i rang so much. Comfort in a recorded voice message. Basket case. Hahaha.
As You know, i spent quite a bit of time reading, looking online what makes a good sub. Some stuff made sense, some i was already doing, it felt right. Bit by bit, my soul became quieter, a bit less panicked. The more i thought about it, the more i realised that what i was scared about, what worried me most, was my own insecurities. It wasn't anything You said, nothing You did. my own mind made the doubts. These doubts had no grounding in any facts. That these thoughts were in my head, had nothing to do with You. They were things that others had done. i was expecting You to make up for that. It was foolish of me to put that burden onto You. i am glad i didn't speak about it with You. Then, after arguing with myself, i finally gave myself permission to be safe with You. You were not the other people who had hurt me. i had no right to expect You to pay for that.
Finally, i can be Yours. my soul said so. When You were over the other night, it is the first time i have really "let go". Relaxed, been the me i want to be. i hope You liked her. when You had done, i wasn't dirty, i wasn't used, i was just Yours. That night i will treasure always. You got all of me. No one has ever had that.
No matter what happens now, i have learned more about myself in the last month, than at any time in my life. Thank you Sir.
Your devoted slut. xx
sweet_release posted on Apr 18, 2008
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Comments
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pusscat said on Apr 18, 2008....
Oh s_r you have made me cry you naughty girl! But cry in a good way. I can't actually put into words how truly happy I am for you! SHIT - I am so-o-o-oooo happy for you ha ha!!!Not just for you but for your Sir too. Like you have stated before, His patience is something you have admired and treasured. It says such a lot about Him so now I am happy for both of you.{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[[ special hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}W/we are gonna get there one day. . . one day :-) -
sweet_release said on Apr 18, 2008....
pusscat, thank you so much. i do sometimes wonder that writing about Sir's patience may make Him seem a little .....well..... not so dominant. That is so not the case. Had he been any different, he would have frightened me away. As much as i want this, it has been a constant struggle with my conscience, don't know why that is either.i'll figure it out and let you know. In His patience i see how much He cares for me. Because He is patient, i know that i am worth the effort. i feel treasured, truly. -
DaddysLittleSlut said on Apr 18, 2008....
Oh sweet_release if patience made Master weak I would never have a master. That man has astounded me with his patience. I've tried my own patience with my insecurity so many times and i get more insecure thinking he couldn't possibly put up with me. But, whew!! He's still my precious Master.I can relate very much to your journey on this blog. I was confused in thinking that submission meant dependence; that Master was responsible for my well being now. It took a while for me to realize that i'm still responsible. I must tell him my comfort levels and my fears. I submit to him because i choose to honor him. I am not in most cases being physically forced to do anything against my will. This is not rape.I am still responsible for my feelings and actions. This was a huge hurdle for me and one i needed to overcome. I could no longer blame Him for the dirty feelings. I had to own them because they are my desires too. (Thank goodness you girls all have them too ***giggles**)Another thing that helped is that Master told me to take care of His slut. He has asked me to make sure that i am not afraid and miserable. He has told me to let Him know what is going on and how i am dealing with it. He may give me suggestions, tasks, and orders to get me through the rough times. And many times they have nothing to do with sex or play. It may be just to ask someone to go out for a drink with me so that I'm not sitting home feeling sorry for myself.Patience....yea I think a good Domme is loaded with it. I think we are very lucky to have such patient Masters. -
sweet_release said on Apr 18, 2008....
Aaaagh. our own silly heads will be the death of us. my big confusion was that if He cares for me, why does He want me to ...... whatever it is He wants. Turns out that i wanted it too. He saw it in me. i bet there's way more in there He sees too. Damn!!! i love being a dirty whore!! Power to us.. :-) -
DaddysLittleSlut said on Apr 19, 2008....
Isn't that why we let them own us ; ) they do such a fabulous job at it. It was the way he knew my body and mind better than i knew it myself that made me first shout out "you own me" even though i had no clue what i was getting myself into. He knew though. He always knows. mmmmm I just got done with a nice long chat with Master. i'm feeling really good but sleepy, so good night from His filthy slut. ; ) perma grin -
pusscat said on Apr 19, 2008....
Patience is never weak - I know that more than anyone :-) It's easy to lash out or shout or storm off in a huff but. . . to hold those emotions in, to remain calm, to sit and listen, now that is hard. I once read a wonderful piece written by a Dom (can't think who off top of my head but I have it saved somewhere - brain like a sieve) about humility. A Dom can only really be a good Dom if he knows how to be humble. Humility is a great trait that I wish I had more of. It looks to me s_r and DLS that your Doms have humility by the bucket load ha ha! Good for them and you tooxxx -
sweet_rose said on Apr 23, 2008....
I have a question..When you think about sharing your Master, what thoughts come to mind?- am I good enough that He will come back?
- will He pay attention to me when we're with a third?
- do I like the thought of watching a woman sexually?
- will He leave me for that new partner?
- what can this add to our relationship?
- can I as a submissive do it for myself as much as Him?
When Steve and I added a third, they were questions I needed answered. Plus I had to ask myself as well. How would you go about answering them and getting them answered? Are there more questions??
rose
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sweet_release said on Apr 23, 2008....
rose, the first thought is that i don't want t see Him do the same things that we do, to someone else, i think what we do is special. He has assured me he won't, he wants to watch me with another girl. He tells me there is no chance that He will leave me, that He isn't interested, except for seeing me with her. At this stage, there are many more questions, mostly about myself, so much i need to learn, again, about myself, before we do this.
In any case, the problem may not need to be answered, as there is another issue so small, so easy to fix, that He seems not to want, or be able to fix. At present i can't get past it, small as it is, its very important to me. Not up to writing about it now, am broken hearted.
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pusscat said on Apr 24, 2008....
It isn't small if it's upsetting you my friend. The fact that it does upset you makes it a big deal. I do hope it's something you can eventually get passed. i hope you can discuss it still with Him.
You know where I am if you want to vent (in PM). You don't have to say what the issue is, I'm here just to support no matter what :-)
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sweet_release said on Apr 24, 2008....
Thanks pusscat. Been discussed again & again. Same outcome. Me upset. Nice to know you are there. :-) -
sweet_rose said on Apr 24, 2008....
Hang in there s-r... We'll be here when your ready.rose
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