It starts with neither Bethany nor I knowing how to roll a cigarette.  We're at a bar, she's drinking vodka/dietcoke, I'm drinking gin/sprite.  We're buzzed, I'm searching the bar for someone who may know how to roll.  There's this obese, sloppy, retarded looking guy at the end of the bar.  He is HUGE!!!  His hair is longish, I think he had a beard, dirty jeans, and a ragged black t-shirt directing everyone to rock out with their cock out.  "He knows how to roll.  Go ask him."  I urge Bethany.  She won't ask him, but about 30 minutes later, he rolls up to us.  "Hey, I'm so sorry to bother you, but don't ever, ever cut your hair."  he tells Bethany.  Next thing ya know, he's agreeing to roll us one out in the parking lot.  In his van.  He seems harmless enough.  So we get outside and realize his van is right by the entrance.  Bethany gets in the passenger seat, I'm in the back.  We ask him to drive over to the other side of the parking lot and park there, so people won't keep walking past wondering what we're doing.  He agrees, but instead of stopping, he slowly, as if in a daze, rolls out of the parking lot and starts driving down the street.  Me and Bethany are yelling shit at him, like, "Hey!  Park right there!  Ok, stop, let us out now!!!"  And he's like, "Ok... wait... I don't know..."  and we're rolling down the road.  So we're telling him to turn the fucking van around, and he's like, "I'm sorry!  I'm so sorry!  Why are you scared?  What?  What'd I do?"  He keeps passing roads where we're telling him to turn around.  Each time it happens he's like, "I'm sorry!!  I'm so sorry!"  He just kept saying it.  It's like those were the only words he knew.  Maybe they were, maybe he really was retarded, and shouldn't have been driving at all.  Finally he turns and takes us down a dead-end road.  At this point it's so bad that I start laughing.  I'm half afraid but for some reason I start taunting him.  So picture this.  I'm in the back seat yelling shit at him like, "YOU'RE A RAPIST!!  YOU'RE A SEX OFFENDER!  FUCKIN' CHILD MOLESTER!!!!"  He's yelling out that he's sorry, he's so sorry, Bethany is like, "Never again, never again."  Bethany is fucking PISSED!!  He asks her why she's scared, and she's like, "I'm not scared, I'm trying very hard not to go the fuck off on you.  Bring us back to the bar."  He finally does bring us back, and after driving by it once then turning around, he finally pulls into the parking lot.  We've barely stopped rolling when Bethany jumps out and hauls ass up to the bar.  I get out and say, "Hey, I had a great time!  Thanks!!"  He just looks at me.  He looks confused. 

On the brighter side, the rest of the night was fun as hell.  We met and hung out with some funny people, and I laughed harder than I have in what feels like forever.  Every time someone new comes over Bethany's, her dog immediately tries to rape them.  I've now seen this happen several times.  Instead of trying to get the dog to stop or apologizing, Bethany laughs and says, "There must be something about you he likes!!  He thinks you're sexy!"  Her evilness is rubbing off on me.  At one point the dog kept jumping up and nipping at this guys shoulder, but really hard.  I was like, "Look, he's taking a nip!"  and started laughing hysterically.  That dog is out of control.  I think he was mad that he didn't get alcohol this time.