I just wanted to say that I feel better than I did the last time I wrote. I guess I was just very down on myself, as usual. It's not that I really expect myself to be perfect all the time, and never make mistakes. But I guess I just hold myself up to standards that aren't reasonable sometimes.
I do make huge errors in judgment though. And I think I deserve the anger I have against myself sometimes. It's one thing to say, "nobodies perfect," and I shouldn't expect to be either. But sometimes there are real fuck ups that warrant the way I feel. And I just feel like such a weak person and like I'm totally incapable of ever taking care of someone else, when I can't even take care of myself.
It's frustrating to me to feel like I'm so messed up sometimes that people have to watch after me. I want to be the one watching after them. But whenever I get the opportunity to do that, it feels like I fail at the task. I've been told several times, by several different people, that this isn't true. And I don't fail to be there when someone needs me. And that often times, just the act of me wanting to help is enough, even if I can't actually make anything better.
I've known this to be true for me. Sometimes I just need to know someone is there listening to me, even if they have nothing useful to offer me in terms of advice. It just feels good to be loved and cared about. So why can't I see that other people get the same comfort from me? It doesn't make a lot of sense. But I guess somewhere inside me, I don't feel like little old me can possibly have that power. But I think I might be wrong. Which is typical. Because I'm usually wrong about everything when it comes to me.
Some days, I feel good about myself and I know that I'm a good friend and a good husband. But the instant I do something wrong (big or small) I worry extensively that I've somehow ruined my credibility as a good person. I know it's not rational to think that, but I do. I often imagine people hearing about things I've done and they're just shocked at me. And I visualize them thinking to themselves, "maybe I was wrong about this guy all along?"
I don't know if that's ever really happened, but in my head it's happened a million times. And my usual reaction is to just withdraw from people I care about, so they don't have a chance to tell me to go away first. I'd much rather be the one leaving, than to be told to leave. But I'm trying really hard not to keep doing things like that. Because that actually ends up making people mad at me, when before they weren't mad. So in essence, I bring on every problem I have myself.
And you'd think that in knowing that, I'd just be able to stop doing it. But I think that's where I struggle so much with everything. I say I want answers to life's challenges, but the truth is, I have a lot of answers. And I just don't use them. Which of course, further makes me hate myself at times.
I don't need to be told that I overanalyze too much and I should stop doing it, either. Because that's one of the answers I already know, yet I can't stop doing it. Maybe it's boring to read about all this, and I understand that. But for me, it somehow helps. Even if I get nowhere, just writing it all out gives me something. What, I'm not sure. But I do know I need to do it. It's like breathing for me. Even if I didn't ramble on forever about the pointlessness of my thoughts, they'd still be there. So why not let them escape?
Of course, I do worry that this makes me a tiresome, boring person. I want to be able to share happy, funny things, instead of introspective depressing garbage. But I guess in the end, I have to just write what I'm thinking about, otherwise I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not.
So I guess right now, I'm just a confused soul who needs to ramble on pointlessly. But maybe later I'll be something else. I'm not sad or depressed right now though. I actually feel pretty good. I'm optimistic about certain things that I wasn't optimistic about before. So that's progress.
But I just want to thank all my friends who still read this junk and offer their support. I appreciate it. I know maybe I'm all over the place sometimes, but so far, people are still standing with me. And it means a lot to me. So thank you to everyone for putting up with my rambles.
blackthorn28 posted on Apr 12, 2008
| views: 416
Comments
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pickersplock said on Apr 12, 2008....
That's just the rollercoaster of life, my friend! We all ride it! -
JoyousLoving said on Apr 12, 2008....
Though you may feel that way sometimes, you are not boring or tiresome. When you write about anything. If all you wrote about was the good, or the bad for that matter, you would be portraying yourself as just one-dimensional. There is more to you than that. Having the answers and understanding why we are the way we are is just part of the living process. Changing the things we don't like about ourselves is so hard.I am over analytical too. So much so that it makes me miserable sometimes. I will say something and play it over and over and over in my head until I make myself feel really stupid for having said it when it was nothing. Training myself to let go of that obsessing is so hard and something I've been working on for years. I think that for me it will be a continuous struggle throughout my life. But I can't think of it like that. One day at a time or I will get overwhelmed with my quirks.I'm glad that you are feeling better today :-) and I really hope it continues for as long as possible. But if you don't feel as great tomorrow or the next day, remember it isn't because you have failed to "fix" yourself. Feeling the same all the time would get boring IMO lol. -
quietone said on Apr 12, 2008....
we all feel like this one time or another my young friend. depression likes to make you run and hide... it is sneaky like that! -
Mr_Box said on Apr 12, 2008....
I'm glad you're feeling better. That's all that really matters. I don't think you're boring or tiresome because you want to talk about things that aren't funny. You write what you need to write. And that's the way it should be.I know you make real mistakes that do warrant a little self reflection. But notice how I say 'reflection' and not 'punishment'.When you mess up, it's okay to be upset with yourself and want to change the situation. But the more you hate yourself for something, the less progress you can make towards fixing it.I know it's hard to help the way you feel though. But just realize that most of the time (if not ALL of the time) you are the only one hating yourself. The rest of us don't feel that way at all.And the fact that when you do mess something up or make bad choices, you actually care enough to want to remedy them, goes a long way to show what sort of person you are.Not everyone gives a shit when they fuck up. But you do. And I respect you for always having the courage to admit to these things. I don't condemn you for the mistakes, but rather commend you for wanting to fix them.I'm probably not the only one who feels that way, so just remember that. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Apr 12, 2008....
You have never ever struck me as boring or tiresome, for what it's worth. :) And I'm glad you're feeling better, even with these thoughts swirling around.
(And why do I bother commenting on anything if Jaxl has already been there? ;-) Not to pull an ed, but what he said. You're more worthy of respect because you do care about your mistakes, but I worry that you maybe take it further than you have to to learn from them, you know?)
~Infernal
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Me-Myself&I said on Apr 12, 2008....
cool! i'm glad all is better. *smile* Take care ~see ya -
blackthorn28 said on Apr 12, 2008....
pickers--I guess we do, huh?
joyous--It's nice to see someone else who does the same things I do, even if it drives us both crazy sometimes! But I'm glad I'm not boring or tiresome when I write about things like this. So far, today has stayed good, so I'm happy about that. But I'll try not to get so crushed if it doesn't stay like that forever (which it won't).
quietone--It does make you want to run and hide when you're depressed. But I feel like peeking my head out today :-)
Mr. Box--As always, you're right I guess. I suppose not everyone does care that much if they screw something up. Most people probably just shrug their shoulders and say, "oh well, better luck next time". But I really take it hard because I just want to be the best I can be. But I know I take it too far. And you're right. It's usually just me who hates me, and no one else. Thanks for reminding me.
Infernal--I'm glad I don't bore you or put you to sleep! Jack really did say it all I guess, but I'm glad you commented too! And by the way, is Jaxl a pet name? ;-) It makes me laugh when I see it.
Me-Myself--Thank you :-) Today does feel much better.
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gingersoul said on Apr 12, 2008....
Black....if there is something you are NOT is being boring. I read with extreme interest any post you write even if i might not comment on all of them.
I am so glad you are feeling better today. Up and down, up and down....life is just a carousel...
About your feeling of not being worthy and being unable to be useful to others....many other share it with you but being you so sensible and sensitive you suffer 100 times more. {{hugs}}
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Actorguy said on Apr 13, 2008....
Actually this made perfect sense to me and didn't seem like a ramble at all.As for beating myself up over mistakes, I drive myself crazy with that. A very wise person (my mother) once told me that being a good person is not about not making mistakes. It's about what you do after the mistakes. In my head I know that's true, but it doesn't stop me! -
blackthorn28 said on Apr 13, 2008....
ginger--Thank you :-) I'm glad I'm not boring, even if I feel like I am sometimes! Life really is a lot of ups and downs isn't it? For everyone, I know. But sometimes I get tired of the ride. I do feel good today though.
actorguy--It's comforting to know someone can relate to me! And if you don't think I was rambling here, I'm glad :-)
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silverwhisper said on Apr 17, 2008....
you know, i used to be positively plagued by self-doubt. indeed, that was my norm for a very long time. in some ways, i always knew when i first started reading you that i felt a certain kinship with you, and i don't think i ever quite understood what it was until now, but this is it: the extent to which self-doubt could sometimes govern who i was, what i was. and sometimes when i'm down, i'm there again, too.
but here's the thing i really want to communicate: do you know what courage is?
courage isn't about not being afraid. fear is good and healthy. not feeling fear is in fact either stupid or psychotic!
no, courage is about getting back up again when life kicks you where it hurts and saying, "all right, but i'm not letting that break me" and going on in spite of it.
and of course, what mr box said, too, cuz he's a smart guy. :>
ed
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