When something gets under your skin and you tell someone about it, do you want sympathy and appreciation of your position or do you want practical discussion of the problem? Do you want someone to give their take on it, analyze it, suggest solutions? Or do you want the person to give sympathy and nothing else, and shut the hell up and not try to be a know-it-all or a professor or something?
They say it is a sex-related question. They say that when a woman shares her problems with someone, the woman wants sympathy and no advice. They say that when a man shares his problems with someone, he wants ideas, not sympathy.
I know in my case, I don't like sympathy. I have no use for it. So I'd be a typical guy in that way.
But my mom absolutely hated sympathy. When she had cancer, and someone would say "I'm so sorry", she would answer, in irritation, "About what?".
lfbno7 posted on Apr 12, 2008
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Comments
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evil_twin said on Apr 12, 2008....
For me, it depends on the problem. Sometimes I really do want answers and advice because I can't figure it out on my own. But occasionally my problems aren't really solvable and I just want someone to listen to them and tell me that I don't suck too bad for getting myself into the situation I'm in. So I guess my answer is both.
-evil_twin LA
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pickersplock said on Apr 12, 2008....
Therein, lies the difference between sympathy and compassion.I would disagree with the statement, that women only want sympathy.I think they want compassion, or at least I do, but then I'm an odd bird. :) -
JoyousLoving said on Apr 12, 2008....
I'm with Pickers. Compassion is what I would rather have than sympathy. I'm not the typical woman tho. If I want advice, I'll ask for it specifically. If I want a sounding board, I'll say "I need to hear this out loud and see if it still makes sense outside my head." What I find to be difficult is when I ask for advice and don't necissarily agree with what was given and they get all offended. -
quietone said on Apr 12, 2008....
Yes I like that word compassion much better too. I don't like sympathy either. sometimes I don't want advice, just an ear. Men are "fix it" people I think. They don't want advice, or sympathy, they just want to solve the problem and get on with it. my 2cents... -
Alyss said on Apr 12, 2008....
Compassion and a listening ear are much better than sympathy imo. -
Eilan said on Apr 12, 2008....
I think a lot of people ask for advice when what they really want is validation.
When I want advice, I ask for it. When I want people to commiserate with me, I'll ask for that as well.
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lfbno7 said on Apr 12, 2008....
If I have a problem that seems serious, and someone does the "aww, poor thing", it feels like it is weakening me, like tartar on teeth, eating into your strength, at a time when you need to be hard, not soft. I'll give an example. Kidney stone pain. Wife puts her hand on my arm and says "Oh, does it hurt really bad?" My reaction is "Hell yeah and shut the fuck up!" Cause I'm trying to keep it together, trying to stay hard. So there's a specific example from real life where that kind of concern isn't welcome. -
pickersplock said on Apr 12, 2008....
If I was her, I'd have said, "Don't worry dear, it'll pass!"Hahahahahaha, sorry. -
lfbno7 said on Apr 12, 2008....
that brought a laugh. the unexpected usually does. now where do i go to eat? i'm hungry but i have no mind. -
quietone said on Apr 12, 2008....
Lbno ~ now that is just the "motherly instinct" in us taking over. I know your wife is not your mother, but... it doesn't matter the instinct is still there. I would have said the same as pickers.. leaving out the "dear" part. -
pickersplock said on Apr 12, 2008....
Well, I've inherited the gift of understatement form my grandmother.Just yesterday I was having lunch with a friend, and her lunch arrived.It was enormous, and she remarked, "Wow, this is huge."I replied, "Try not to eat it all at once!"It broke her right up! -
curmudgeon said on Apr 12, 2008....
OK - so you have a problem - you're hungry. Shall I tell you where to eat, or tell you how I feel your hunger, too, man?As a guy I'd tell you to go get yourself a burger & brew, but I don't know if that would help with your kindey stone.I've spent much of my life attempting to be stoic, and my wall fo strength blinded me to a lot of my own insecurities. These days I'm finding a lot more strength in openness.That said, I really have little patience for existential responses to logistical questions. -
uniquely-ironic said on Apr 12, 2008....
sometimes I want someone to commiserate with, other times solutions. I'm getting better at letting the person I'm talking with know which I'm after. -
rustydiamond said on Apr 12, 2008....
I would agree that it depends on the problem. Most people I know, or maybe it is when relating to the oposite sex, they just want someone to listen. -
lfbno7 said on Apr 12, 2008....
Fuddruckers -
CreativeWoman said on Apr 12, 2008....
I need a little compassion sometimes, but help in fixing the problem is always welcomed. I really hate when people start feeling sorry for me. That's when I withdraw and clam up in real life. Except for blogging, I keep most of the things that hurt to myself.
CW
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fearing said on Apr 12, 2008....
It depends on the problem. If I'm just talking about something, I probably just want someone to listen and understand. If my truck breaks down, I want help. ;-)
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nytquill17 said on Apr 12, 2008....
I fit the stereotype. When I talk about a problem, it's usually just venting. I want somebody to listen and care about me and what I'm going through. Not sympathy, exactly, but just to feel like I have a friend and that my feelings matter. I can usually solve my own problems once I get the emotions off my chest - and actually, talking a problem through to/with someone else is the problem-solving method that works best for me.
I have learned, between my father and my husband, and just out of sheer fairness to the other person, to be clear about what I want. I tell my husband, "If I want you to fix it for me, I'll tell you so. Otherwise, no dragon-slaying!"
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Twylarants said on Apr 12, 2008....
I'm with all the other women on this one. Compassion, yeah. Commiserate with me, tell me it sucks, offer me a lifesaver if you want to, but don't tell me what I should do, or what I should have said, or what you would do. I like to handle my problems myself.
I miss Fudruckers!
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lfbno7 said on Apr 13, 2008....
The Fuddruckers nearest to me closed and turned into a Hooters, but now there is a Fuddruckers farther down the highway, and they do make good tender burgers. I don't like McDonald's, Burger King, or other fast food burgers because I find them gristly and I have to pull pieces out of my teeth because they are just hard, but I like Fuddruckers burgers. So I'll give you four guesses where I had lunch on Saturday after the dentist. -
MissMimi said on Apr 13, 2008....
Generally, I want commiseration. I want to pour out my tale of woe and have somebody say that they would feel that way too, that I was justified in feeling the way I was feeling. Very rarely I want constructive advice, but mostly I just want a hit of verbal chocolate.
My husband is more the typical man. If I share a problem with him, he immediately begins lecturing me about what I ought to do. And it drives me crazy.
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lfbno7 said on Apr 13, 2008....
It really seems true, that men and women react differently on this. He probably doesn't even see himself as lecturing you about what to do. He probably is just putting himself in your place and trying to work it out. -
wishyouwerehere said on Apr 13, 2008....
I have learned to declare my intentions ahead of time - I'm just venting, vs. I need advice. I am not sure this is really an issue related to gender. My ex- thrived on sympathy. Any time he offered it in return, I would feel diminished. -
diabolicdame said on Apr 13, 2008....
I think it depends.. but a practical discussion or atleast genuine interest in my problem works better for me than sympathy. And then sometimes if I'm bitching about someone I just want you to bitch with me!! The one thing I hate is when I'm bitching about someone and the other person starts trying to make me see the good in them.. No no no!! -
pickersplock said on Apr 13, 2008....
We must have gotten your Fuddruckers, Leafboy!Because one just moved in last year! LOLP.S. Have a good night? Hmmm? Lolololololohahahahahahahaha! -
lfbno7 said on Apr 13, 2008....
His name is Hillary, he's Irish. I could do some spring things, I could do some ladybugs. Olga likes that, Anna likes to draw, she's 87, Olga's 90 but she's very high functioning.
Well, that's what my wife is saying now, on the phone three feet away from me, talking about her job with dementia patients. She does recreation with them. She's talking really loud, and distracting me. -
diabolicdame said on Apr 13, 2008....
lfbno7: Ok I started reading your comment and got very confused.. I scanned up just to make sure there was nothing I had missed.. then I read the complete thing and had to laugh at myself! I am a wee bit impatient.. lol.. -
Twylarants said on Apr 13, 2008....
I did the same thing Diabolic did, but I didn't think I was confused...I just figured Lennie lost it. -
diabolicdame said on Apr 14, 2008....
Twyla: That thought also crossed my mind.. hehe.. -
lfbno7 said on Apr 14, 2008....
Just decided to inject a little piece of an irrelevant reality in here. She was right in my ear with all that. I'll tell you what she's saying right now. Zzzzzzzzzz. -
Twylarants said on Apr 14, 2008....
My desk is next to the tv, which my husband watches from his recliner 6 feet behind me. He periodically turns the volume up because, he says, I type so loudly.
We need separate houses.
I need compassion and commiseration here.
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lfbno7 said on Apr 14, 2008....
poor twirlypants -
Twylarants said on Apr 14, 2008....
Thanks, that'll do.
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