Sometimes I just get so tired of life. It seems like nothing I do is ever good enough. I try and please everyone, but no matter how hard I try, it doesn't work. I still fuck things up all the time. Every time I turn around I'm making another mistake. Big ones, little ones....it doesn't matter really. A mistake is a mistake.
And I tend to get so self absorbed that I become useless to anyone else who has a problem. When someone is upset, all I can think about is how I can fix everything or make this person happy. And if I can't do either of those things, then I feel useless. And I start worrying about how I failed yet again to do anything right. And suddenly the entire matter is about me and not them. I've forgotten them entirely, except for how they relate to me. I'm too worried about what I didn't do right, that I don't even remember what their problem was.
I hate this about myself. I hate that I'm so selfish. I hate that everything always has to be about me. God knows I've got enough problems to occupy the average person over several lifetimes. But really, who cares? I'm not the only one who has shit to deal with. And maybe someone just wants me to shut up for two seconds and listen to them? Maybe I don't need to fix them or make them happy? But I guess I want to do that so badly because I can't seem to do it for myself. So if I can do it for them, I'm not a total waste of life. I can feel like a hero. I can feel important. Special. Needed. And when I can't do it, I wonder why I'm here at all. What good am I?
It feels like my only reason for being here in this world to analyze myself to death until no one can stand to be around me. I certainly don't want to be around me. But I'm stuck. It's hard to run away from yourself, even if you try. And I've tried. It never works out the way I think it will. It only seems to make me feel worse about myself once I wake up and realize I'm still here. And that I never actually escaped after all.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just feel like I need to spew this out somewhere. Even if it's pointless. I never get anywhere with myself. I never really make any progress with anything. And every time I do, something else comes along and cancels it out. And it's always my fault. I just can't seem to stop myself from screwing up at every turn. And I'm tired of even trying anymore. Sometimes I just don't see the point.
I'm sure I'll get over this eventually, but right now, I'm mad at myself. I'm disappointed in myself. I expect too much from everything and I don't have the patience to ride things out when they don't end up like I imagined. I really thought that taking medicine would be the magic cure all for my damaged head. But when it didn't work immediately, I wanted to give up. I still do.
And it scares me because I know this is the end of the line. If this doesn't help me, nothing will. And I might just be destined to live like this forever with no end in sight. And if I survive it, I wonder who will be left standing with me. Probably no one. Because I don't think anyone wants to put up with me for that long and I don't blame them.
Everyone wanted me to fix myself and I tried. But I failed miserably at it. Just like I always do. I've proven that I'm a lost cause. I used to look back at my life and feel some sense of accomplishment to see how much I've overcome and was still standing. But now I know that I never really overcame anything. Because I haven't changed inside at all. I'm still the same person. Still searching and never finding whatever it is I'm looking for. It's pretty hard to find what you're looking for, when you don't even know what it is. All I do know is that whatever it is, I'm not looking in the right places.
I expect miracle cures and intoxicating happiness that never ends. But who gets that? No one. So why do I think I should have that? I guess it all goes back to how selfishly delusional I am. Do I really think I deserve to have something that no one else has? No, I don't. But I still want it anyway.
But it's hard to have something that doesn't exist isn't it? I need new goals. More realistic goals. But I can't seem to get my head out of the fucking clouds long enough to make them. Maybe someday I'll get a burst of renewed vigor and life will seem worth conquering again. But tonight, I just feel pointless and tired. Maybe if I can actually sleep for a change I'll feel better. We'll see.
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blackthorn28 posted on Apr 10, 2008
| views: 399
Comments
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secretlife said on Apr 10, 2008....
when i'm tired i sleep. sleep is healing on so many levels.you can't solve the world's problems in a day, no matter how badly you want to. so sleep, and look forward to a better tomorrow.giving up's not allowed. -
Me-Myself&I said on Apr 10, 2008....
yup, no giving up is allowed.I just love the way you write. You speak right from the heart with so much honesty.I admire you very much.Please try to sleep. Rest that special mind and soul of your. Take care. Good night. ~see ya -
the_infernal_optimist said on Apr 10, 2008....
Well, I can think of four people who will be standing with you no matter what.
And I'm still waiting for the proof that you're a lost cause. I don't believe it for a second, because it's not true. Oh, and you are always doing good for someone. Even when you don't realize it. Even when it doesn't feel like you've done anything to help anybody some days.
I hope you get some good sleep tonight. ((hugs))
~Infernal
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Mr_Box said on Apr 11, 2008....
Don't be so hard on yourself, dude. Seriously. We all make mistakes. And you do have a reason for being here.Like Infernal said, I can think of several people who will be standing with you, no matter what. I'm one of them.I have more to say to you, but I'll just write you a message. Hang in there. I hope you slept last night and that you feel better today. But if you don't, I'm here. And I'll always listen to whatever you have to say. No matter what it is.Promise. You just have to say the word and I'm there. -
hinana said on Apr 11, 2008....
I agree with everyone above.
There will always be those ppl that are going to stand by you.But you say it yourself, you overanalyze yourself to death.
So youre taking these mistakes, little or big, and youre blowing them out of proportion.
Hell I do that myself.
But really, none of it as bad as you make it out to be.
Youre not selfish. really youre not.I bet your goals are realistic too. Just with all yout overanalyzing youve started thinkign theyre worthless.
So, I hope you sleep well, and I hope you feel waaaaaaaaaaaaay better.
=) -
pickersplock said on Apr 11, 2008....
Hey, you!Smile, okay? -
blackthorn28 said on Apr 11, 2008....
secret--I tried to sleep the badness away, but I don't sleep very well lately. Either way, I do feel better today. And maybe tonight I'll finally sleep all the way through a night and wake up happy tomorrow?
Me-Myself--Thank you :-) I'm glad you like the way I write. I tried to get some rest but it didn't work very well. But I do feel better today.
Infernal--Thank you for everything. Your friendship means a lot. And I know who the four people are too, and I'm grateful for all of you. You are all my guardian angels. I'm feeling better today though.
hinana--I know I do make my mistakes seem even bigger than they really are sometimes. But occasionally, they are pretty bad. And I have a hard time forgiving myself. But I'm trying. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for better sleep tonight!
pickers-- :-) There's my smile!
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Mamie said on Apr 11, 2008....
I am with you too, Buddy! I hope you remember that this too shall pass...and giving up is a no-no. Hope you are feeling a bit better by now...hang in there. PM me if you'd like to chat, k? xo, M -
motherofchicken said on Apr 12, 2008....
black, these are the posts i can relate to so so well...i also hate that vicious circle of trying to listen or help others (that is, trying to be unselfish and caring for another human being) and becoming so quickly frustrated with the feeling like I'm not doing this very well - being unselfish, helping, listening - and then start feeling all crappy about myself, hating myself even, and boom! it all becomes about me - in my head, and out my mouth. All I can talk about, all I can think about. Then I realize it and still feel impotent cause I can't seem to do anything about it. It's this helpless, self-hatred feeling.
Brrrrrr! We all have to give ourselves a break black! Please do. You are a good, caring person, and you know it. I don't know...i understand tho. it's very hard to let go of the feeling like you have to 'fix' things, whether it's someone else, or yourself. But consider this - maybe it's not about some goal down the road...maybe what you are doing now, talking about this, thinking, and trying your best, learning from experiences - this is how you 'fix' it - others, yourself. maybe there isn't a 'fix' even in terms of meds and achieving some perfect state, maybe it's just about living with yourself, and most importantly, knowing yourself better so that you can live with and like that person.
Obviously, these are advices to myself as well...cause of course can we ever talk about anyone else without at the same time talking about (and to) ourselves... -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 12, 2008....
I missed this yesterday, dear friend. . .
I´m coming back, again. I am incapable of writng all the words I want to say now.
I just want you to know, how lucky I feel to have you as my friend. And in my small capacity, I would like to be there standing with you, whenever.
joanna
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Alyss said on Apr 12, 2008....
I hope today is brighter for you. -
blackthorn28 said on Apr 12, 2008....
mamie--Thank you for the offer to talk. I do feel a little better now. I think I'm too stubborn to actually give up, but sometimes I really want to. But you're right, it'll pass.
motherofchicken--You really do relate to this! It's hard sometimes to accept that I can't fix myself or anyone else, but I keep trying. I do need to give it a rest at times though. I know that sometimes people don't need fixing. They just want a friend. And I hope I can do that for people when they need it.
paper--I'm glad you're my friend too. I'm standing with you too :-)
alyss--Thank you. Today does feel a little brighter.
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silverwhisper said on Apr 15, 2008....
bt, it's often said that we're our own worst critics, and i believe this is doubly true of you. try to think of it this way: if your friend said to you the same things of himself that you said of yourself, what would your reaction be? what would you say to him?
then ask yourself this: why is it easier to forgive failures by your friend than it is to forgive yourself for them?
ed
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