"I need to go find myself". Well, I need to know what that means. I think when people say this they have found themselves and don't like what they see. So they want that person to stay put so they can run from it. In other words, I don't want to be near me.
Taking a trip to run from yourself isn't going to solve very much, mainly because you take every ounce of that person with you, only now you might even possibly be more alone with them. I know this because I've done it. It wasn't to go find myself really, but rather to take a breather from the person I didn't want to be with. The one I didn't want to be with was my ex-wife and when I came home I found myself - with her.
So finally, instead of looking for myself, I looked across the room and found the problem, looking right back at me. I knew the problem all along, just didn't have it in me at the time to take the step. In time I got rid of her and got rid of myself at the same time, or should I say got rid of the self I was searching for. It wasn't me after all, it was escape from her I was after.
Then there is that damned inner child. Far as I'm concerned, the last thing most people need to do is go inside and find that inner child who used to reside in your body. That's regressing into possibly hurtful territory. Psych people want this many times in order to "face" what happened there. You know what happened there and it could be what you've spent years trying to get past so you can go forward. Its normal to remember the good times, but what good can come of rehashing the bad and "embracing" those times with someone staring at you? The memories are all too vivid without asking for it.
The good memories will stay with you. The bad will too, but I see no reason to go wanting to "relive" them. Leave that child alone. That child was kind of stupid in a way, always touching things that hurt or burned, and living half the time in an imaginary world.
Remember this, psych people and self help books don't always have it right. They only have it right for some people. Psych people and books can depress you if you can't live up to what they claim is "the way to happiness". I'll give you two examples.
Many of these books and people will tell their listeners that "you must first learn to love yourself before you can learn love at all". If there ever was a load of shit, this is it. I can't hardly imagine a worse thing to tell someone. Think about it. You have troubled, insecure people listening and now they are told they will be incapable of love without learning to love themselves. I'd venture to guess that most troubled individuals will not master loving themselves, so now they are left feeling incapable of love at all.
The other example is in conquering anger if you're the type to keep it bottled up. They say you need to "let it out". More bullshit. It only works for some people. They use it as a blanket answer for everyone.
Some people don't know how to release anger by asserting themselves or punching a bag. The actual release of anger is scientifically proven to do bad things to your body every time you do it. It also releases dangerous chemicals and raises blood pressure. The best way to release anger is to go off by yourself, sit down for a while and let it pass.
I personally know someone who took the experts advice and decided to release by asserting himself, making his needs clear, and letting people know how they were affecting him. Fine, if you know how. There is no training for this. He went home and asserted himself and spent the next two years trying to clean up the mess. He was mentally far worse off than ever before.
You don't need to "find yourself". You really know what the problem is and running will make it worse.
You inner child was a learning, bewildered little dumb-ass in Wally World. He or she needs to stay in that most forgotten territory where it belongs.
If you don't love yourself, you can love others. And you'll be better off doing this than loving yourself to death.
If you are a bottled up person where anger is concerned, you probably have it mastered. You know how to release it gently and let it pass. This works for you, doesn't hurt other people, and will keep you healthier.
Self help books are nothing more than someone's opinion and may or may not help you at all. The point is, don't take them as truth.
The best single person in the world to truly listen to is yourself. That is the only person in the world that understands what is really going on.
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beyondtheveil posted on Apr 06, 2008
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Comments
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Fallyn said on Apr 06, 2008....
honestly i have to disagree with you on some points.
though i think you are right for some people...and possibly yourself...i don't know.
but i think the point of finding your inner child is only in not taking life so damned seriously.
finding yourself is most likely for people who have fallen into a trap of being someone that is a persona. and not the real you....sometimes that takes a journey to strip away the false you that you've created
also....i think there is value to going back to bad experiences and handling and facing them as an adult...the point is you aren't a little kid anymore......and no...that little kid wasn't equipped to deal with things that happened to them....but as an adult you gain tools......so going back and dealing with those memories can be very beneficial......rather than stuffing them back to the back of your mind and trying to forget them....always that little kid that can't deal with them.
now....i think you're right...this doesn't work for everyone...but i really think it is the best path for the majority.
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beyondtheveil said on Apr 06, 2008....
fallyn- I've never really understood what going back to your inner child means in a beneficial way. Going back to live the experiences of inner child means spending more time in areas that never left you anyway.
What does going back and dealing with them mean? Does it mean dealing with them as a child would? We went through that once already. We deal with them everyday in one way or another. When you resurface in a serious way things that were hurtful that you have been trying to console for years, the benefits, if any, may well be small and the consolation process starts all over again.
Putting away bad things is the closest thing to cure we will ever have. We can revisit bad experiences a hundred times and get nowhere, or we can tell ourselves to put them aside and go forward. Revisiting is not going forward, it is always going in the wrong way.
When people get with a therapist for example and relive something bad they will talk about it and the tears will flow. They may even feel a temporary lift of a burden. But after leaving, they are going to have to deal with the same consoling effort they have done so many times before.
I have talked to people about past bad times as a child and afterwards I felt angrier. It was only after putting them away, trying to forget that I could go forward, find solace and let it go. At that time, and only at that time, could I forgive and see them in a different light.
Perhaps that only works for me. But for me, stuffing it where it doesn't hurt and allowing myself to look at it differently from afar made the difference in being able to heal on more than one occasion.
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Fallyn said on Apr 06, 2008....
i guess maybe i just don't see getting in touch with your inner child as going back and dealing with bad things......i don't think that finding your inner child in that sense would be a good thing.
that's not really how i've heard the term used.
i think the point may be that different people deal with things better in different ways.
i know for me...when i just stuff things inside and try to forget....the memories come back at me unexpectedly and are completely debilitating.
it may take more work to face them head on and work through it....but in the end they don't hit me from behind with no warning when i do it that way.
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beyondtheveil said on Apr 06, 2008....
fallyn- You know, it may be my inability to face things and take care of them in a short time. I've not had a problem facing them, but I've sure had a problem healing them. Time heals with me, confrontation has the opposite effect.
Concerning the inner child, I usually hear of it as healing the little guy.
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Fallyn said on Apr 06, 2008....
interesting. .....i've always heard the inner child and getting in touch with it as finding that sense of magic that a child has and losing the adult seriousness that makes our lives so boring.
i know i can't heal them in a short amount of time...but if i don't at least try i'll never get past it. that's just me.
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queenparanoia said on Apr 07, 2008....
honestly dude my heard hurts reading... truly my head hurts... but if there's one thing i agree with you is that the only person who could understand you is you...
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secretlife said on Apr 07, 2008....
i'm with fallyn on the whole idea of finding or not losing the inner child- i don't think it means revisiting your childhood, i think it means more of not letting the child inside of us die. it's so easy to become jaded by life as we grow up- it's so easy to become hard and forget to be silly and "play"- i think the inner child thing is more about fighting this jadedness that can happen as a result of living and being disappointed, hurt, etc.regarding self love? i really do believe that if you don't at least like yourself, then you're at a disadvantage all through life. sure, you can love, but will that love be a healthy one? i'm a big believer in self esteem- i think it's a real necessity at getting through life.regarding anger? another one i have strong feelings about as i've spent so much of my life fighting it. as far as i can tell, when you hold the anger inside, it eventually finds its way out- and probably not at a time that makes sense. if you instead go through life at least expressing your anger as it happens, then you don't explode...for me, beyond, my husband would do something that would make me angry and i'd hold it in for months, and then he'd do one little dumb thing, and i'd go off like a mad hatter at him. it didn't make sense to him at all.....to him it was over-reacting.but to me, i'd stored it all up until all i could do was explode. anger to me is self destructive. we all get angry. it's just figuring out a way to let off that steam- and maybe that's an individual thing- for you it might be going for a walk or sitting in your corner letting time pass- for others it might be punching a wall or screaming out loud. whatever the mechanism, i will always say that it's better to let out the anger than to hold it inside and let it eat you up. -
diabolicdame said on Apr 07, 2008....
Well I will agree you on one thing and it is that self help psych books are a load of hogwash! I've read some and gotten annoyed half way and left them. I don't like books telling me how to feel.. how to love.. etc etc.. I mean its ok to a certain limit but these books mostly talk like they are an authority on the subject! Maybe I'm just a bit of a rebel but thats how I feel.. -
mobil said on Apr 07, 2008....
I've never read a self help book Beyond, it's probably evident too haha. I think the thing I had growing up that helped me more than anything was a matched set of parents. Not that they were alike much, but that the had the same philosophy in rearing children and it included allot of light heartedness and self esteem building.I don't think I ever lost touch with the child within me, never had to get back in touch with him. There were some dark days in my life where I had to leave him alone, but he was there behind that sad and angry face. I am and always have been a practical joker and fun loving, a tease of the worst sort.During my darkest hours, I did talk to a theryipist. I remember sitting there thinking what in the hell is this guy talking about? It seemed to me he was talking about someone besides myself and I almost quit him when I realized this fuzzy little guy had my number and I was too dumb to realize it. So I guess I've had help, just not self help books.Lastly, are you ok Buddy? Drop me a note if you need to talk about this shit......all my best Beyond. -
beyondtheveil said on Apr 07, 2008....
queen- I think that's true. No one could understand what's going on better.
secret- I really didn't expect for people to agree with me on these things. My real point was that methods of dealing with life and problems are put out for us as though carved in stone. People will believe them and fail all too many times. A person must find what works for them and it could easily fly in the face of conventional wisdom.
Like anger. Its carved in stone not to bottle up anger. But this is the way many people deal quite effectively with it and I am one of them. Psych people don't understand that with many it doesn't continually build until there is an explosion, but rather that it is released easy for them and that's by going off alone and letting it abate.
So far, four people have agreed with only one thing I've said. That's probably how it should be because we deal with things differently. People should not look to conventional wisdom for healing, they should look within themselves and find what works. Its the only effective way and self help books don't understand or teach this.
diabolic- You're not a rebel, you understand. They write as though 'my way is the only way' and that can never be true. The only self help book that ever meant anything to me was a controversial book by Paul Pearsall called "The last Self Help Book You'll Ever Need: repress your anger, think negatively, be a good blamer, & throttle your inner child".
It sounds bad, but isn't at all. It teaches you options and to consider how things affect you and how best to handle what confronts a person. The whole point of the book is to find what works for the individual and take that route.
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beyondtheveil said on Apr 07, 2008....
mobil- I'm doing ok. I've dealt with depression most of my life it seems. During that time, its given me much opportunity to learn many things about people and watch what happens to others and how they try to deal with life.
This post was kind of therapeutic for me. Blow off a little steam in a good way.
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mobil said on Apr 07, 2008....
I figured that Buddy, but wanted to make sure you were hanging by your toes. I had a bout with depression myself a long time back, it can kick your ass. Glad to hear you're ok Beyond. -
diabolicdame said on Apr 07, 2008....
Lol.. That sounds like the kind of self help book I might enjoy! I think I'll go find it.. You the one I hated the most was 'Men are from mars women are from venus'. It actually gave rules and instructions to write love letters! And then some free pages to practice them! I'm telling I was quite pissed off! I can write my own love letters, thank you very much!
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silverwhisper said on Apr 08, 2008....
this is apparently another of the few times we disagree, beyond. i too believe that the inner child and being in touch with it is about not losing sight of the little joys in life, such as in blowing bubbles. i do agree however that putting a stopper in anger is healthy and wise.
JMHO.
ed -
Fallyn said on Apr 08, 2008....
i think control of anger is good, i don't think being out of control is a good thing.
i just don't think that always stoppering it works for most people...it must for some.
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beyondtheveil said on Apr 08, 2008....
Ed- Hey, nobody agrees all the time and I knew there would be points of contention with a lot of people. I'm mainly concerned with people being told to relive the inner child thing which leads to sorrow. It's rehashing something you've been trying to put away possibly for years or decades. We should never lose blowing bubbles, but that's the part of the child that thrives with us, not against us.
fallyn- That was really the point of the post. Many times an unconventional approach (as opposed to conventional thinking) is best. -
quietone said on Apr 14, 2008....
I think I understand what you are trying to say beyond, and this works for you. On the other hand "self help" books are just that... for the individual who reads them...take what you need and leave the rest sort of thing. If I had not revisited my "inner child" I would not be where I am today. Some people just have a healthy state of mind, others need to find that state I guess. I was one that ran 3,000 miles away from me only to find me still there... it took a few years to catch on to that... so what works for others may not be the cup of tea for everyone. I don't necessarily believe every word I read in these books, I guess I take what I need out of them and leave the rest...good post, sorry I got here way late!!! -
shiningstar said on Jul 22, 2008....
Good Post. My feeling on this is that most people do not seem to have answers for their own questions. They feel lost because no ones answers seem to fit them. And that, of course, is the answer. It is just that most have been taught that they can not, do not know and they must turn to someone else. But the Self, indeed, knows what it feels and it's answers. Being taught to turn lifes problems over to another is probably what gets people into the situation that leads to depression and feelings of unworthiness.The Kingdom of Heaven is Within Jesus said but most have been sold a piece of unseeable, unreachable,untouchable real estate somewhere in deep space. -
Voltaire said on Mar 10, 2009....
I to tried to "find myself" for a while, I wasn't 100% comfortable with what I saw.
But I sure didn't make a run for it, because you see the only person you can change is yourself.
I did try to change myself, and I managed to do so.
Regards,
Voltaire
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beyondtheveil said on Mar 10, 2009....
voltaire- This post was originally written knowing it would create disagreements. It was written due to my finding there are several areas in conventional therapy that in some ways are downright wrong in the way they are taught. They teach so much in a 'blanket' way and in many cases can do more harm than good.
Luckily, some psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists are noticing just that.
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Voltaire said on Mar 10, 2009....
I have never been to therapy, so I can't add anything there.
The "blanket" way of teaching is present in most of today's society according to my knowledge.
Comment on ""I need to go find myself", not to mention that damned inner child."
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