i grew up in new jersey, a fact i've shared in the past. it's a state where the per capita square mile of road is higher than it is anywhere else in the country. this means that there are lots and lots of roads in new jersey, and that means that there's accordingly lots and lots of driving in new jersey. driving is to new jersey as barbecue is to the south, i think--it's in the blood, in the very soul.
so the other day, i was remarking to GS that if u-i could establish a church of coffee and chocolate, i saw no reason why i couldn't establish a church of driving fast.
that was the seed from whence sprouted...the church of holy velocity.
these are the known (KJV) commandments of the church of holy velocity. numbers 6-9 have not come down to us through the ages but perhaps together, we can discover them:
1. thou shalt not obstruct thy fellow driver's path. this is the first commandment, from which all others arise.
2. thou shalt render unto distressed fellow drivers all speedy assistance as thou canst. corollary: thou shalt signal the presence of speedtraps within one league by flashing thy high beams to oncoming traffic, thereby alerting them.
3. thou shalt only employ thy mobile phone in conjunction with a hands-free kit.
4. thou shalt not weave through the lanes of traffic; it is an abomination and is detestable.
5. thou shalt not rev they engine unnecessarily, lest ye be thought to be compensating for shortcomings.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. upon passing drivers who doth obstruct thine path, thou shalt make an offering of thy digital disapproval, employing thy middle finger. the middle finger signifies one, as we are all one in velocity, and this offering shall be an invitation to such drivers to join the church.
so what do you think commandments 6-9 might've been? :>
ed
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silverwhisper posted on Apr 01, 2008
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Comments
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diabolicdame said on Apr 01, 2008....
Aw shucks.. I cant join in.. I never learned how to drive... I know its a bit unbelievable.. but i live in this huge city where the traffic is horrible! So I always got around better using cabs or buses or trains or bikes.
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beyondtheveil said on Apr 01, 2008....
Thou shalt not apply creams or colours to thy face using rear view mirror, nor consume thy dinner, nor read thy papers while approaching seventy on freeway or any time vehicle is in motion. -
beyondtheveil said on Apr 01, 2008....
Upon completing thy shopping, thy shall return to vehicle and remove same immediately and not read 'War and Peace' while others wait for parking space. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Apr 01, 2008....
I love #5. :-D And beyond's first one. Nothing from me right now though.
~Infernal
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GrapeKoolaid said on Apr 01, 2008....
I don't know if I can join this church... I drive like a grampa. That is, I run over people in farmer's markets. :D -
uniquely-ironic said on Apr 01, 2008....
Sign me up!!! I love to drive.Thou shalt give a sign when thou wants to turn off the straight and narrow path so that thy fellow traveler shalt not be surprised.Thou shalt park in the middle of the parking spot, neither going to the right or the left or to the middle of two parking spots. Incurr not the wrath of your brothers and sisters with your careless parking. -
Eilan said on Apr 01, 2008....
Thou shalt not operate thy motor vehicle while under the influence of mind-altering substances so that thy days may be long and incarceration-free. -
vacantmind said on Apr 01, 2008....
Thou shalt not run from the police in residential neighborhoods, flipping your vehicle numerous times, and then scratching your head as if to say you didn't know that would happen.
Okay, so it doesn't really fit but it actually happened in my front lawn.
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CayenneMan said on Apr 02, 2008....
I dunno but I try.
Thou shall not slam on brakes while in traffic at velocity speeds geater than 65 mph to avoid collision with thy small rodent crossing highway.
Thou shall not empty contents of ashtray at holy velocity speed while in front of vehicle with thy top down.
Thou shall not decide to park heavenly vehicle inside interstate toll tunnels during holiday seasons.
Thou shall not attempt to put contact lenses into thy eye at speeds greater than 60 mph with windows down
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silverwhisper said on Apr 03, 2008....
diabolic: you never learned to drive? i'm trying and failing to grasp this concept but given where you live i suppose that makes sense. :>
beyond: ah yes, well chosen, brother beyond. the old distracted driver--always a favorite! i don't know how i missed that! and sitting in a parking spot after you're done--why do people do that?!
infernal: heh...when in the car with me, if someone is doing that, the mrs promptly usually comments along the lines of "wow, someone's insecure about his masculinity..." :>
grape: sure you can join--we accept all kinds. be washed in the lifegiving waters of faith, brother grape!
u-i: o, very nice additions! and particularly well-phrased, sister u-i!
eilan: definitely a good new commandment, sister eilan!
vm: that actually happened to you?! that demands a blog entry in its own right, if you ask me!
cayenneman: all of those are good additions--although i don't recall seeing anyone do the ashtray thing in some years now, come to think of it. i particularly liked the toll one, brother cayenneman. :>
ed -
vacantmind said on Apr 03, 2008....
Ed...I might have to consider that...it was such a wierd experience. -
diabolicdame said on Apr 03, 2008....
Yeah but thats just an excuse I make. I think its about time I learn how to drive! Especially now that there is this special church.. :-) -
silverwhisper said on Apr 04, 2008....
vm: i'd like to read it!
diabolic: well, the church welcomes all true believers... :D
ed
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