I've been thinking a lot about how it is I'm feeling right now. Probably too much. It's what I do. I obsess over my moods, because that's the only way I've been surviving all these years. I always had to be very self aware and know what my moods were, so I could prepare for what was next. It's just a force of habit. And one that's not so easy to break. But I think sometimes I analyze and obsess to the point I make things worse.
But I was pondering this new and strange feeling and I came up with a possible theory. What if this isn't my 'normal' but a depressive spell? Maybe this is what depression feels like when it's muted by medication? Because I was up and still feeling like myself about a week ago. Then instead of crashing hard into a depression where I wanted to hide and/or die, I landed here. In this place. A place where I don't feel happy, but I don't feel particularly horrible either. I just don't feel much at all. It's blah.
But maybe this isn't a normal feeling that will stay with me? Maybe this is my low. And if that's the case, then it's not so bad. Because I'd rather deal with feeling blah and listless for a few days than to deal with being so upset and desperate, I don't even want to continue on with my life.
Do you think that's what this could be? Maybe the medicine is doing it's job, and it's keeping me from falling too hard. But it's not preventing me from going back up again. Because I was up before. And maybe I will be again?
I already feel a little more alive today than I did yesterday. And part of that is because of the prospect that this might not be my baseline normal emotional state. So I know I do tend to make my moods worse by thinking too much about them. Which also means I'm still just as obsessive as ever, so I'm not cured. I'm still me. And maybe most people wouldn't be jumping for joy saying, "yay! I'm still obsessive!" but that means I haven't completely morphed into a stranger. And that's good. I don't want to be a stranger. I'd miss my ridiculous quirks too much.
So that's where my mind is at today. It's thinking that maybe this is a temporary lull and not a permanent state of being. We'll see what happens. I'll give it more time to see how I feel and see if my mood goes back up to a more 'me-like' level. I hope so. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
blackthorn28 posted on Mar 30, 2008
| views: 361
Comments
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Mr_Box said on Mar 30, 2008....
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. You could be right. And if you are, then it's pretty awesome isn't it? If this is as bad as it gets now, you should feel pretty relieved.I can understand how you don't like this feeling enough to want it to be normal. But if it's actually a depressive mood, then that's huge progress.I hope you're right. But even if this does become your normal, I think you can find ways to cope with it. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 30, 2008....
You already know my thoughts on this. I really think you might be on to something. :) And my fingers and everything else that can be crossed are crossed for that to be true.
~Infernal
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 30, 2008....
I will cross mine too dear friend!!! Even my toes!!!
I had to laugh as I read this :
And maybe most people wouldn't be jumping for joy saying, "yay! I'm still obsessive!" but that means I haven't completely morphed into a stranger.
The first paragraph you wrote, I identity with very strongly. I wish I could stop but it has been a part of me so long, too.
I am glad you receive so many positive reactions and constructive words to your previous blog; I hope they helped you. I read it minutes after you posted it. I came back again and again waiting for someone to comment so, I could bookmark. I wanted to find out answers myself.
I want to write more but RL calls...
I am so glad you are writing about your journey...so very thankful. . .
joanna
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hinana said on Mar 30, 2008....
*fingers crossed*
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silverwhisper said on Mar 30, 2008....
dude, i think that you should maybe give some thought to trying a little less reflection and a little more just being you. just a thought?
ed -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 30, 2008....
Mr. Box--If this is a temporary thing, then yes it would be awesome. I'm still less sold on wanting to feel like this forever though. I can't help it. It feels weird.
Infernal--Thanks :-) I know we already talked about it and I hope I'm right about it!
Paper--I'm glad you're still getting something out of my blogs. I think you're one of the only people who really understands this mess inside my head. Thank you for reading along with me.
hinana--Thanks :-)
silver--Well, I could stop reflecting so much, but that IS me. That's what I do. It's an obsession. Plus, I just don't like the way I feel right now and it bothers me enough that I can't help but think about it.
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silverwhisper said on Mar 30, 2008....
well, reflecting is good, but you seemed to be suggesting that you were reflecting too much. if i've misread, my apologies.
ed -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 30, 2008....
silver--No, you're right. I'm sure that it would help me to stop thinking so much. But my brain just can't seem to cooperate. I think I'm just hardwired to obsess. -
Mamie said on Mar 30, 2008....
well, I am glad to read this and I think you may be right! yay!! Also I just want you to know that the absolute best way to stop the "me" obsessing will happen when little eviltwins run around...you won't have time! It will be a glorious, wonderful time of expanding your heart in a way that no other thing in your life can...I know alla that will come in its own time, but I'm just saying....
this is good! Have a good evening! xo, M
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lfbno7 said on Mar 30, 2008....
It sounds like you are trying to learn about your life and what's going on. Reminds me of my battles against things like bellyaches and canker sores. It's trial and error, to figure out what's going on, what causes what, how to end up being ok and not plagued by something. Like with bellyaches, I thought it was at least safe to have some cookies and milk, and then I got a really bad one, not knowing at the time that milk did it to me. Or when I had lobster with drawn butter, and that was a really bad one. Sometimes I get one and I don't know why. Sounds like you too are looking for the list of instructions that was supposed to come with your body and brain, but didn't. -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 31, 2008....
Mamie--I'm sure you're right about the little eviltwins, but I'm not quite ready for that yet! I know that it's probably a lot harder to sit there and analyze pointless details of your psyche with kids running around. But I think that is one of my fears that I'm way too self obsessed to be able to do it.
Lfbno--You are correct. Where is the instruction manual for my brain? They must have forgotten to put it in the box when they shipped me here. But I'm glad I'm not the only person who actually sits there and tries to figure all this stuff out.
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crybabylu said on Apr 03, 2008....
Comment on "Temporary blahs?"
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