• Me-Myself&I said on Mar 29, 2008....

  after the fire and dad dieing they put me on Zoloft....i was "flat-lined." not happy or sad or anything, messed with me. i stopped and yes my mind still races but i feel! so i deal. but that's me, maybe after time you will balance out. i understand. take care ~see ya

• pickersplock said on Mar 29, 2008....

  You just need to get used to it.
  I don't think you do feel "normal" right now.
  Hopefully, like MMI said, you'll balance out.
  If not, you should talk to your doctor again.

• Mr_Box said on Mar 29, 2008....

  I guess this is one of those things where you need to figure out which is worse. Constantly living on a rollercoaster of different moods, or feeling like this.
  
  
  Only you can really determine that. But as someone who has seen how miserable the moods have made you, I can't fathom how feeling like that could be preferable.
  
  
  But I do understand that it's unfamiliar to you to be like this. And I don't think I'd like to feel like anyone other than me either. So in that respect I get what you're saying.
  
  
  Just try and stick it out awhile longer and see if it feels better. I hope it does.

• quietone said on Mar 29, 2008....

  oh, this is tough one.  You are so creative and funny most all the time.  I hope it does balance out as I am sure you don't want to loose all of the real "you"  just the unsettling parts.  give it a chance, and like memy said, if it doesn't balance out, then maybe what ever you are taking is not right for you.. but I wouldn't give up just yet on all medications.  There are all kinds out there these days!  hang in there!

• the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 29, 2008....

  I think I'm with Jack on this one. Maybe your emotions will regulate themselves better after a while? I certainly would hate not feeling like myself, and feeling dull and flat is definitely not normal either (at least, I hope not -- it's not for me at any rate). So I can understand how part of you is really balking at keeping going with this. Maybe it's just a matter of time.
  
  But you are the only one who knows for sure what's right for you. Lots of ((hugs)) and I'll be around to support you in whatever you decide. I don't think a little more time before you decide is a bad thing, though.
  
  ~Infernal
  

• blackthorn28 said on Mar 29, 2008....

  Me-Myself--I'm glad you understand how I feel. That's exactly my thinking that even if my mind is racing, at least I'm feeling something. I rather like the intensity I'm used to, even if it drives me crazy sometimes....
  
  Pickers--I'm hoping that maybe this is just a temporary feeling. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, but I'm pondering it. But I'll wait a little longer before I make any sort of decision.
  
  Mr. Box--I know it might be hard to understand why I'd prefer the rollercoaster to this feeling. I'm not even sure I can explain it either. But I just know that this feels too weird inside for me. But maybe with time, it'll get better or else I'll just get accustomed it? I don't know yet....
  
  quietone--Thank you :-) That's the part that freaks me out the most. I don't want to lose my creativity or my sense of humor. That's what makes me, me. I'd like to just be the way I always was, except for to eliminate the depression and the uncontrolled anxiety. But so far, my experiences now, and in the past, don't seem to ever find that balance.
  
  Infernal--I feel a little awkward admitting that I'd rather be crazy than feel like this. But I guess I just don't like changes. Especially when it feels like my very essence has changed. But then again, maybe I'm feeling it much more strongly than is apparent to anyone else? I will try and give it more time and see how it goes. I don't want to give up, but I'm just a little confused right now.
  

• the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 29, 2008....

  It does show, actually. Your colors are a bit muted. But they're all still there! :)
  
  ~Infernal
  

• blackthorn28 said on Mar 29, 2008....

  Infernal--That's really disappointing to me :-( I don't like that idea. I want to be like I was before....

• the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 29, 2008....

  I think part of it is your own perception of yourself, in addition to what I do or don't see. When people don't feel good about who they are to some degree, it alters how I see things. So it's not that you're diminished in any way! It's more like a fog across things, I guess.
  
  ((hugs))
  
  ~Infernal
  

• blackthorn28 said on Mar 29, 2008....

  Infernal--You could be right. If you pick up the changes I feel for myself, that could change the way you see me too. I guess that means I need to try and find some way to get used to this feeling so I don't let it affect me more than it already is. Because if I obsess over it, then it's going to feel magnified and just get worse.

• fearing said on Mar 29, 2008....

  E_T, I hope you won't mind I laughed when I saw the title to this post?  But guess what - it made perfect sense to me.  Does that mean I'm crazy too?  Probably.  I'm encouraged that you don't feel like a zombie.  I'm even more encouraged you still have your wit.  Listen, maybe your body is so used to the extremes that anything in between may seem foreign to you.  Give your mind and emotions time to adjust. 
  
  I've been missing you around here.  Thought I was going to have to send out a search party.  Besides, don't we both have a SC anniversary coming up soon?

• blackthorn28 said on Mar 29, 2008....

  fearing--It's okay if you laughed. Actually that makes me feel better if I made you laugh because that means I'm not completely dull on the inside! I do think I'm just used to extremes and it's very hard to adjust to something more even and calm. It's unsettling. But I'm going to try and give it a little more time. I'm sorry you've been missing me though. I've been around. I've made a few comments here and there and I've been reading. I'm just a little quieter than normal. My SC anniversary is May 1st. I think you were here a couple of weeks before me, but they are coming up soon!

• fearing said on Mar 29, 2008....

  Good, we balance each other out.  It must be the ALB connection.  I figured if I got the crazy part, you'd get why I laughed.
  
  I was pretty certain they were close.  May 1st huh?  Planning a big shindig?  You'd better get busy writing your speech.   Mine is April 11th.  Man, a bunch has changed in your life from that first post.  What a difference a year makes.  You joined Soul Cast and found your soul mate, all in a year. 
  
  :-)
  

• gingersoul said on Mar 29, 2008....

  Black........can i ask you something?

  In your relationship with your woman how do you feel these changes? Is your heart too like a dormiant thing?

  Can you say that even your love is subdue and less irruent?

  And if so, how your woman is accepting this change?

  I will understand if you will not want to answer me.

  I am asking because i too have had pretty long stretches of depression during my marriage  and i couldn't even notice how much my situation was indeed affecting my husband. I realized only later (when the veil finally lifted) that tsome damage had been indeed done to our love....but he was depressed too without even admitting it...

  It can be so hard in a relationship.

  And......isn't love all craziness, after all?..

• blackthorn28 said on Mar 29, 2008....

  fearing--The good old ALB connection is definitely working. I got it :-) And I know things have changed so much since I got here, huh? It's unbelievable. I think you were one of my very first readers too.
  
  ginger--You bring up a good point. I think it does affect her a lot. Of course, she hated seeing me be depressed so often, but I think she was really accustomed to the more manic episodes. Because that was my 'normal'. In fact, it was her that pointed out that I seemed different now. And I could tell that maybe it wasn't such a good thing, even if she said it wasn't bad, but 'different'. I really just want to go back to the way I was before. But then I know the depression affects her too. So I can't really win here. It's been tough though. And she's the main reason I'm doing this now because I want to be better for her....
  

• CreativeWoman said on Mar 29, 2008....

  black,
  Can you ask the doctor about a different medicine?  Tell him/her what it is about this one that you don't like.  Maybe an adjustment can be made that would make a big difference in how you feel.
  
  Just a thought.
  
  CW
  

• Trinov said on Mar 30, 2008....

  Hi, have you thought of finding and ortho-molecular doctor? Or a complementary doctor, or a naturopath?
  
  Some people have higher needs than others for B-vitamins or magnesium etc which are part of the factors that govern our moods and our general functioning. Other people are programmed as 'creatives' and are supposed to have a type of up and down mental existence, but under some control.
  
  Can I recommend two books to you? One What Your Doctor doesn't know about Nutritional Medicine may be killing you. by Dr. Ray D. Strand. M.D. 2002, and Who are you Really, by Gary Null (I blogged on this one). Both of these books might give you some insights and some better alternatives to whatever medication is now considered wonderful and in ten years will quietly disappear.
  
  Gary Null's website should be helpful and so should any website of a complementary/ alternate/nutritional oriented/ortho-molecular/homeopathic/ M.D..

• GracefullyGrowing said on Mar 30, 2008....

  I don't have time to read comments, so please forgive if this is a repeat. 
   
  I think probably what you're "missing" is what you have grown *familiar* with.  At least with the crazy you knew what to expect, you'd put coping mechanisms in place to deal that, it's the way it was for years for you, etc.  Now you have to do things differently, and your unfamiliar (and perhaps even unsure) with the new way of doing things. 
   
  JMO. =)
   
  If anyone can creatively adjust, YOU can.
   
  ~Grace~

• Mamie said on Mar 30, 2008....

  hey you, I hope you are feeling great today. I want to add that the meds I was on while fighting the illness I encountered did leave me "even" . The way I explained it to my doctor is that I could not feel the good buzz that should naturally be a part of life. I did make a meds adjustment just because of that and it was a good move. Everyone is different, but you can ask.
  I must say that I think if you really think about it, you will not miss the crazy at all...in fact, with your will, the right meds, and that adorable wedded bliss that you have now...you will find that more things are good than not and that the depression part is but a memory.
  Don't give up with your foot on first and goal...you get at least four downs!! xoxoxo ,M

• blackthorn28 said on Mar 30, 2008....

  CW--It's sort of a big production even finding a medication I can take. The one I'm taking is about the only one I can take unfortunately. But I'll see how things go and I'll talk to my doctor if it looks like there's no good comfort level here for me.
  
  Trinov--I'll have to look into those books you mentioned. I never really thought about trying natural healing, but I'm open to the idea. I'm curious about it, so I will read up on it. Thank you.
  
  Grace--You're right. I'm missing what's so familiar to me. And I'm not good with changes. I've conditioned myself on how to cope with all this for so many years. And now it feels different, so I'm a little lost.
  
  Mamie--I do actually feel a bit better today. A little more like myself. The problem with asking for a meds adjustment is just that I'm already taking the lowest effective dose. If I cut back to less, I might as well not take them at all. But I'm trying to hang in there and get used to the differences. But I still miss the crazy a little....maybe eventually I won't?
  

• Mamie said on Mar 30, 2008....

  Oh I meant that I changed meds entirely to a different one. It was also the least dosage amount but a diff type all together...whatever works, right?* smile, glad today is better. I would miss the "up" to, so I try to maximize the endorphins with exercise extraordinarie! I will try anything, truth be told!

• silverwhisper said on Mar 30, 2008....

  you know something? i think that missing the crazy highs is the price you pay for skipping the crazy lows, dude. mm&i described it as "flat-lining", and i think there's a very apt description, based upon the experiences of other friends i've known who were prescribed similar meds.
  
  btw, is what you're taking one of the ones that can kill libido?
  
  ed

• blackthorn28 said on Mar 30, 2008....

  Mamie--I have so many problems with most of the meds, that this was my best option. But I'm just going to wait it out and see how I feel. I'm hoping things will start to look up again.
  
  silver--It's hard to explain how I feel about this. But I'm not sure if I can do without feeling the highs. I guess that makes me even crazier than before. I'd rather have crazy emotions than none at all. And all of these meds can ruin your sex drive. But so far, so good. I'm not taking a very high dose and this one has a lower risk of that side effect anyway.
  

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