A couple of examples I would like to give before going on.
In a CSI-Las Vegas episode, Sam, Catherine Willows father, told her he broke a cardinal rule which was you don't love one child more than the other. As a result of him doing this he had one son in the ground and the other in prison.
In the movie 'Shenandoah', a very good and touching film, James Stewart was approached by Doug McClure to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. After McClure had asked for her hand and expressed that he loved her very much, Stewart wanted to know if he liked her. McClure repeated he loved her and Stewart said "I know that you love her, I want to know if you like her".
In the first instance, Sam did break a cardinal rule. Children are the blood of your bodies and love should be extended and felt equally. If adopted, they should be loved equally with other of your children, if any.
Liking someone is another animal, which was the point James Stewart was attempting to draw from Doug McClure. Being liked must be earned and is felt separate from loving.
Throughout this world people are loved, but there are so many cases where they are loved but not liked by the same person that loves them. Husbands and wives, parents and children, aunts and uncles, friends in some cases.
We have three children. Our daughter was loved and liked every moment of her life. She was loved naturally, she earned the rest. But it wasn't that way with our two sons. Two years apart in age, they were always loved equally of the three, but the liking part dissolved when each reached age fifteen.
Like a Jekyl and Hyde, they changed at that age respectively. I won't go into any detail except to say that they took the joy, the spirit, the family we always wanted from my wife and I. We leaned on each other for the next ten years, or else we could not have stood.
The boys accused us of loving one more than the other and of loving the daughter more than them. What they did not understand was the difference between love and like.
Any person in any family should be loved, especially children. The two boys could not understand that anyone must give another person reasons to like them. They must provide at least some redeeming qualities. During that decade, they provided none. We stood by them, we supported them, knowing and hoping the day would arrive this understanding would come to them.
Ten years after the problems started, one went to war, the other moved away. One came back from the war disturbed and vulnerable for the first time in his life. He showed his love for us from a foreign country, so different than before. He shows it now and I believe always will. The other learned a few things of life and has changed also.
They both know now that we always loved them equally. They both know now that they must earn being liked, being trusted, and see the difference.
We are really learning to like our sons.
We are learning who they really are.
It feels good. We missed it greatly from when they were young children.
beyondtheveil posted on Mar 28, 2008
| views: 940
Comments
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uniquely-ironic said on Mar 28, 2008....
This is such a tough lesson for parents to learn. I remember when my daughter was born thinking that I had to make everything equal for my children. I felt awful when I caught myself perferring to spend time with one over the other.I love them both enormously but have learned over the years that the relationship I have with each child is going to be different. There are going to be times when like is not an option. I even acknowledge that there have and will be times that they will not like me.I'm glad you're at a point in life where you can start to like your boys again. Teen years for boys are a tough time. I wonder if your daughter and your wife have a different perspective though. Some times it's easier to like the child of another gender than the one of the same gender. -
Alyss said on Mar 28, 2008....
beyond, as a parent I understand what you mean. I am glad that you are beginning to like them and that they understand. ;-) -
MissMimi said on Mar 28, 2008....
This is an excellent post beyond. I think there are many parents who feel this way, but don't have the wisdom and courage to put it into words. I applaud you for both.I love both my children to the very bottom of my heart. I have a much easier relationship with my daughter though. She makes it very easy to love and to like her. My son has always been his own worst enemy and has made it difficult at times to like him. Arguing about him has taken a huge toll on my marriage. But there is never a doubt in my mind that I love him deeply. sigh...I'm glad you put it into words. -
bluegum said on Mar 28, 2008....
this would apply in an adults looking for a mate,partner etc.in a serious long lasting union like marriage .i have always wondered about the happiness of mine.when i first met my wife.my first impression was ok i can live with these looks, strike up a conversation ,sounds ok, she is intrested in what i was doing with my life, no unreal expectations.similar expectations of lifes journey.i have sometimes wondered do i just like her so much that i love her also .i think they intertwine.blue. -
lfbno7 said on Mar 28, 2008....
Sometimes people are really bad. That includes your own family. Anyone who can't agree with that statement is really lucky and should appreciate it a lot. -
queenparanoia said on Mar 28, 2008....
you knwo you have a point. (that's why i love your posts) love is like is very different...in my family i think that we are loved equally but my parents did not like us equally... but i guess i'm the only one who understood it all... -
dyingman said on Mar 29, 2008....
Typical.
at 15, cut the apron strings and at 25, mature enough that you realize how unfathomable it is that two people offer so much to you with no obligation to do so.
I've reassured fellow parents of this when their teens "rebel".
The accusation of you love him more than me got under my skin one too many times one night and I fired back in a cool measured tone that surprised me, "Even if that were true, and I'm not saying it is... SO... WHAT? Where do you go from there?"
I then set out to explain that their willful personality led them to defy me more often than the siblings and THAT is what produced the frequent punishments. I invited this child to tell me when they saw wrongdoing so I could punish tech siblings more often if that would help. I also explained how a strong will could be helpful in other cases because obstacles were more easily overcome and great things might be accomplished. That didn't mean I wasn't going to apply the downside whenever necessary.
My relationship with that child has been stronger than ever since this talk.
It makes me think I'm a rather good parent. That's what seems a shame about the adoption observation. I've always been of the same opinion that adoptees must be loved as much as blood children. I've never felt I'd be up to that challenge and that adoptive parents were a select breed. Maybe not. Maybe some very good parents would do a better job if they realize that unequal love you gave adoptees would still surpass the equal love of a less able parent?
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moonriver said on Mar 29, 2008....
beyond -- I'm reading this post with interest, more so because this is one of the rare times I see you writing in detail about your kids. Although you've certainly wrote odds and ends about them in other blogs (like when you comment on my blogs), this is the first time I hear you explaining, in broad strokes, how your kids grew up.
We were four siblings (you've read about my family tetrahedron), but we didn't feel any big difference in how our parents treated us. I guess we were lucky in that our parents loving or liking us any differently was never an issue. I will need more time and courage later to share details about my own kids.
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quietone said on Mar 29, 2008....
beyond ~ this is a wonderful post about growing. I am trying to teach this difference between love and like to my grandson. -
silverwhisper said on Mar 30, 2008....
beyond, you always retain your composure, even when writing of painful things, and while i admire it, it makes me worry for you on those rare occasions that i can "hear your voice cracking" when you tell us something.
thank you for sharing this b/c it's a good way to put something i've always struggled with expressing myself.
ed -
lfbno7 said on Mar 30, 2008....
I used to think I was a great parent, always loving my kids equally, always giving them attention and making them laugh. Now I don't love them all equally anymore. I don't think they all turned out well. They all have character flaws that nobody in their right mind would accept. I went from thinking I had three great kids to thinking I had two pretty awful ones and one who just needs to treat her mother better. -
beyondtheveil said on Mar 30, 2008....
Everyone- I'm not up to answering these right now. I hope you will understand. I thank each of you.
Rest assured I read every comment carefully - more than once. Rest assured.
Comment on "On loving, or liking, one child more than the other"
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