Today is one of those days where I would really like to pour my heart out about what's digging me under my skin. I don't know where to start really. So, here goes.
My blood sugar has been a real pain this week. Up and down, but mostly up. It could be anything from anxiety, to food, to perhaps the rumblings of menopause. I'm so weary of trying to figure my body out. I haven't a clue why I'm so out of whack. Just when I think I've put my finger on it, something else happens. To say I am discouraged is an understatement. I have scheduled follow-up appointments with both my family doctor and my endocrinologist for next month. I dread going.
It starts the whole cycle over of paying insurance deductibles for the year again. The guilt I feel for spending money on that is tremendous. It stresses me out. I know I need the health care and am thankful that the insurance is there. Perhaps it is because I hate diabetes so much that I wish I didn't have to throw a dime toward it.
My relationship is full of misunderstanding and miscommunication. He believes the sky is falling and it just isn't so. I'm very frustrated. I tip toe on a line between being supportive without being too critical. I end this day with knots in my stomach. I know all will be ok. I have to be the voice of reason. I know it's selfish, but I would like for him to notice that my world is little askew too. I am drained and tired of being the strong one.
The car also needs to go into the shop. There's more money out the window. It wouldn't need to go there if the county road department would do something about these roads. Mud got frozen underneath from the wading my poor little car has to do. Einstein chipped it off and now I have ABS brake sensor lights flashing and the thing is out of line. I guess I know where my big economic stimulus check will be going.
I've been tangling with the electric cooperative. They've raised our rural rates nearly 50% in less than a year. They snuck it in under incremental hikes, but I pay attention to these things. It is obvious that they are passing on the cost of repairs from this winter's ice storm even though they got government disaster money for it. I nearly blew a gasket over that. I sent them a letter where I was very nice, but told them that I thought the huge rate increase was ridiculous. I pointed out the fact about the disaster money and also asked why they didn't have contingency plans for emergency repairs within their budget. This is, however, the Midwest and we do get some weather here. This shouldn't be a surprise to them. I was pleasant, but I got my point across. There was a voice mail from one of the cooperative's good ol' boys. He wanted me to call him back. I say good luck catching me on the phone. He can respond in writing. I want no word twisting. I'm sick of the pat on the head from the good ol' boys anyway.
Now, let me take a big breath.
If you have read this far, thank you. I knew that if I didn't release a little of this boiling disdain inside me, there would be no sleep tonight.
It's been a hard couple of weeks.
CW
CreativeWoman posted on Mar 28, 2008
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Comments
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queenparanoia said on Mar 28, 2008....
{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}hope you feel better now... -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 28, 2008....
Oh CW!
That is a lot to deal with. . .I hope you got to sleep though (((embrace))). . .
paper ~
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bluegum said on Mar 28, 2008....
sometimes it pays to let of a little pressure by being a bit agressive .perhaps this might cheer you up ,we lived along a narrow country road and the road hadnt been graded for ages and had huge potholes in it from timber trucks and general traffic the locals were complaining and this councilar decided to drive across our road for himself and so out he went and he hit this pothole it truly was a big hole and lost control of his council car and smashed into a tree on the side of the road . the council was out grading the road the next day it was just so funney.blue. -
CreativeWoman said on Mar 28, 2008....
queen,
Thank you.
Paper,
Thanks. I did finally fall asleep sometime after 2:30 a.m.
blue,
That is a funny story. Maybe I should invite my guy out the next time it gets real muddy. They surely don't like it when it affects them. :-)
CW
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Mamie said on Mar 28, 2008....
hi, your headline made me smile!Ugh! I am right there with you, throwing dollars at something that is unfair to boot! CW, can you let go and let God a little bit more with your levels? I know it is vitally important! Your A1C is far lower than mine and I have given up on reading every meal, mood, or what have you. I go by the blood labs now...every three months, I look at the bigger picture and then make an adjustment. But each and every day I start over with good intentions and allow myself what I want to eat within reason.Can you consider this?best to you! mamie -
CreativeWoman said on Mar 28, 2008....
Mamie,
I honestly do pray about it every day. I think the doctors have me scared about keeping tight control and I have the added experience of losing a toe to it already. I get overwhelmed sometimes. My doctor wants me to test 4 times a day, so it is very hard not to get wrapped up in those numbers. My second a1c after being out of the hospital is coming up in April. Maybe I will feel better after that. It's hard to believe it's only been 7 months since this all started.
I wish I could be more relaxed about it like you. Maybe that will come in time. Any prayers you want to send up for me would be appreciated. :-)
CW
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GrapeKoolaid said on Mar 28, 2008....
Just checking in. I'm not a good ol' boy, but I wanted to give you a pat on the head. :D
Okay... Perhaps that was inappropriate... How about a pat on the back? You're doing super, CeeDubs. You're a very strong lady. A paragon of virtue, in fact. This post is a clear indication of that. I'm proud to call you a friend. :)
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CreativeWoman said on Mar 28, 2008....
Grape,
You can pat me on the head anytime. :-) I'm proud to call you my friend too.
CW
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Alyss said on Mar 28, 2008....
CW, it seems to me that gasket blowing is entirely in oder. You are wise to keep an eye on bills as things have a habit of being 'snuck in' on the hopes that no-one will notice. I hope you have a restful weekend and a chance to unwind. -
CreativeWoman said on Mar 28, 2008....
Alyss,
Thank you. I don't like the way they do business. They stick it to you because you have no other option for electrical service. I could rant about it for days. Wouldn't do any good though.
I'm hoping the weather stays nice so I can go to the lake for a while this weekend. That should help me to unwind a bit. :-)
CW
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Never_Mind_The_Quality said on Mar 28, 2008....
Hi Creative~
The Good old boys from the electric cooperative should work like insurance.
We all pay for it and they can afford to pay for you. Don't feel guilty.
I grew up away from civilisation and the phone company, although they already
calculated what a new connection should cost, added up a bill for people like us because a new 2 kilometer line had to be put in the ground.
Maintainence of such lines is already all in , but still they bill us.
Why not get a Russian All Terrain Car. they don't have those lights because they don't have ABS. haha. I love the Lada Niva. Check it out.
Be strong!!!
~Quality
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CreativeWoman said on Mar 28, 2008....
Quality,
It seems we get charged for every type of line they put in the country. :-) It's crazy.
Some days I think I need a tank to get through my road. I'll bet that would get some attention. :-)
CW
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 28, 2008....
Ugh. . .I hope you sleep better tonight, CW!
Oh, and I never can´t help it but I checkec out the Lada Niva car - LOL!
I don´t know which is funnier. . .the thought of driving a tank to get through your road or spinning through your road to reach home with this red (your fave colour, right? ; ) )errant baby. . .LOL
. . .I think it is worth the ride, to get distracted from all these worries CW - ermmm put a helmet on!!!
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dyingman said on Mar 28, 2008....
Fiber and fiberglass.
Blood sugar and electric bills.
Assuming you have electric heat...
An electric blanket and a timer thermostat. Chill the house but stay warm.
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Lucytorial said on Mar 28, 2008....
Sounds like you need some serious CW pampering time, just you and your friends, down time, time to not worry and feel nurtured CW.
Hugs I don't envy the hormonal trip, my mom went through terrible days with that and her thyroid and her twisted bowel and bad relationship.
Stick it out love but try to give yourself a little nurturing, a little time just for you so those muscles can un knot themselves.
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KathQuiet said on Mar 28, 2008....
Maybe it's the phase of the moon? The 26th was a day on which I could easily have taken heads off all around. Then yesterday I was weeping for the third month observation of my father's last daylight - all day, and I really must learn to carry the heavy duty concealer in my purse, I looked like friggin' hell by mid-day.So, yeah, Creative, some days feel like the world is dumping it all at your door and you have my utmost sympathy. Diabetes is difficult to deal with, my 25 year old son was diagnosed at the age of four and we've seen ups and downs and near-death from insulin reactions. Hormonal swings really knock it out of whack. A flu becomes a life-and-death situation. I'm not going to offer any perky little "isms." If you're losing body pieces to it, you're staring down a barrel so to speak and that's got to be a dreadful feeling. I'll give you a virtual hand-squeeze and hope you can find some peace. Meanwhile, enjoy some delicious green beans sprinkled with balsamic vinegar, almonds and parmesan. It'll make you feel good!The other stuff- THAT will get better. It always does. I love the old saying "when you're down, the only way is up." -
dailyachesandpains said on Mar 28, 2008....
CW: I wish I could save the day for you! :-( and had everything to solve it all.
One thing, with the electric that you should check out is renewable energy companies that provide you with the electricity at a MUCH lower rate. We're switching ours as soon as we get back. It's something to at least look at.
You might be able to get health insurance through disability. That will save you a LOT of money, CW. Also, have you checked into getting your medication or shots from Wal-Mart or Target? It might be cheaper not even to use your insurance going through that method of getting your medication. You can also deduct your medical expenses on taxes.
Relax as much as you possibly can and know that there is a way to get through it all. If only I could take my own advice...I'd be in a much better way than I am.
{{{HUGS}}}
Daily
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CreativeWoman said on Mar 28, 2008....
Paper,
That car does look fun. :-) It kind of reminds me of my first car I had when I was teenager. And yes, red is my favorite color. How about if I painted the big tank red? That would be even funnier. :-D
dyingman,
Oh, the whole friggin farm is electric. I do as you suggest with the electric blanket. At least I can stay toasty with that without feeling too guilty. :-)
Lucy,
That pampering sounds good. I was thinking about maybe treating myself to a movie this weekend. A little escape like that could be good for me. :-D
Kath,
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost someone dear to me last week. I'm still dealing with that a little too. I'm sorry your son also has to deal with diabetes. I will surely get the hang of it eventually. I'm too stubborn not to. It's been 7 months so far.
Daily,
I'm not really ready to do the disability thing. I guess maybe it is pride or stubbornness. I still consider myself young and able enough to make it on my own with my brains if my feet won't be a team player. Maybe they will even come around after I get over the nervousness and worry.
I do get my prescriptions at Wal Mart right now through my husband's insurance. They fall under that $4 plan, so I am very lucky there. It's all the lab work I need that makes me cringe. That can run up a bill in a hurry. I will have to pay part of it, but not all. Of course, the deductible will have to be paid first. I would absolutely die if I didn't have insurance. In the end, I guess I'm whining because I have to spend money on the diabetes that I hate with a passion.
Thanks for being supportive.
CW
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silverwhisper said on Mar 30, 2008....
you know, CW, i used to worry sometimes that you repress your frustrations too much. i'm actually really glad to see that you rant too sometimes. :>
ed -
CreativeWoman said on Mar 30, 2008....
Ed,
There is still plenty I keep to myself. :-) I try to think positively most of the time, but sometimes I need to depressurize so I don't blow all my gaskets at once.
CW
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