I feel like I am a million miles away from the rest of the human population. Everyday I fight with food, cutting, purging, and I hate myself for it. I live in my own personal hell and very few people understand that. I torture myself everyday, I try to eat nothing, but when I do eat, I make myself throw up.
I wake up every day trying to fight my inner demons. So much of our lives revolve around food, it’s all around us. There’s no escape! My thoughts about food are completely irrational. I am not worthy to be alive, let alone eat. For me, there is no grey as far as food is concerned; everything is just unnecessary sugar and fat. I have a "forbidden food" list, and I have an “acceptable” food list. I hate going to restaurants, I can't bear to let others watch me eat, and once I have eaten, all I can think about is how much I want to throw up, no matter what I have eaten.
Food is my poison, a drug, and if I eat and need to purge, I will, regardless of the consequences. I am filled with an uncontrollable rage, which I take out on myself everyday. My mind is extremely sneaky - it tricks even me. When I eat, I am filled with self-hatred and disgust.
Ana is killing me, and yet she comforts me. And now I have to undertake one of the hardest tasks in my life, to overcome this disease, to “get better”. And part of me still says, “you can't take her away from me, I need her in order to survive.”
