btw, John Cleese was in Monty Python, or  Basil Fawlty in Fawlty Towers

Subject: JOHN CLEESE's LETTER TO AMERICA

 

To the Citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and

thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical

duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except

Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to

determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up 'aluminium,' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'

and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the

suffix 'ise.'

 

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may

elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't

cope with correct pronunciation.

 

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to

acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven

words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is

unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

 

5. There is no such thing as 'US English.' We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

 

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen',

but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

 

7. July 4 will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 19 will be

a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be

called 'Come-Uppance Day.'

 

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers

or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists

shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only

be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out

without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown

up enough to handle a gun.

 

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean.

 

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

sense of humour.

 

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling 'gasoline') - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato

chips are properly called 'crisps.' Real chips are thick cut, fried in

animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

 

 

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with

customers.

 

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

as 'beer,' and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

referred to as 'Lager.' American brands will be referred to as

'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,' so that all can be sold without risk of

further confusion.

 

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English

dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to

having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

17. You will cease playing American 'football.' There is only one kind

of proper football; you call it 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough

will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some

similarities to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a

rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a

bunch of nancies).

 

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played

outside of America Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

 

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies due backdated to 1776.

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese