• Mamie said on Mar 21, 2008....

  hi there, but what if you are wrong? What if what you think you know to be true is not true? then what?
  what if you are a good mother...just because your mother was perhaps not, doesn 't mean you will be the same. What if there is goodness underneath the hard core or shell tha tyou have needed to protect yourself up to today?
  What if you are paying the price for someone else s crime...

• gingersoul said on Mar 21, 2008....

  This is not a surprise....your condition is a symptom. That's why you have to work on the causes of your condition and dont simply give in to it.

  Guilty, sense of being unworthy, shame.....can i ask you how was your relathionship with your father?

  Its a topic that deeply interests me and i have dear to my me.

  And...you deserve not more and not less than any other huma being. I believe in this.  And what if Mamie is right?   

   

• Mamie said on Mar 21, 2008....

  who are these abusers? Can you tell us?? It seems like they continue to abuse you by having these painful feelings continue to torture you by day....

• I'mNotHungry said on Mar 21, 2008....

  My father abused me from the time I was 5 until I was nearly 14~ emotionally, physically, sexually.

  I have no relationship with my mother.  We don't speak, have not spoken in years.  My mother has never "loved" me, or even liked me.  She made no secret about it, told me repeatedly as a child that she hated me.  That I was never wanted.

• Mamie said on Mar 21, 2008....

  oh beautiful...where is your father now?
  I am sure your mother was speaking to her "own self" as she had to have known that the abuse as going on. She would rather say, I hate you than oh, wow, I hate myself for letting this happen....Thank God you are not repeating that with your own child. That is typically what happens, people continue the cycle. I broke the cycle in our family.
  So where is he?
   
   

• Mamie said on Mar 21, 2008....

  hey lets try using positive self talk to heal some of these bruises and try them on...for a little while of comfort and love...here goes...

  My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems True that...good job. This eating disorder is a punishment that your parents started and you are continuing for just a short while longer. Because now it is SPRING, and with the new season is coming a new you....

  I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel I don't know if I would know love if it was right in front of me, but I recognize it in my daughters face and I am willing to trust that I too can feel that kind of love, beginning first thing in the morning...I will actively give her love as if she is the little girl that was so hurt and I will actively receive her love because I deserve it too....

  I cry when no one is around I have many tears inside and it may take some time to get them all out, but I know that crying them is getting all sorts of toxins out of my body and that is healing in itself. I will cry when I want to and not apologize for greiving the good things that I have longed for, for so long...I will cry and let a friend hold my hand all the while

  I am an emotional and sexual abuse survivor...My key word is survivor...and just as mamie is a survivor of cancer, I am a survivor of a different kind...but each dis-ease is life threatening and I am going to build a support team to ride the wave with me. With the help of my friends and my doctors, and FOR my daughter and the little girl that I am inside... I will WIN. NO ONE can stop me from being HEALTHY ANYMORE.

  I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences . I plan to change my apporach this time around because I want a different outcome. I do not condemn other patients who have more than one illness, nor will they judge me for peeling back the layers on what is troubling in my life...

  I feel there's an empty hole in me...and I am realizing that no one can fill it but me and God.

  I feel like a complete failure as a mother but that is just because my mother was one. I am sorry she was and I am sorry that I have worried whether or not I was up to believing in myself as a mom with out that role model. But God believed in me by giving me the miracle and I will make this little girl have all the princess moments that I was robbed of as a little girl. Together we will grow us a little girl (or two*smile) that is whole and happy and loved.   

  I wish that I didn't hate myself but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself I know that I have hated myself for so long that I don't know where to begin, but I want to like myself and I want to have love in my life, so I will take the first step in the process and begin. One step. New beginning. I may stumble, but I will not fall. It seems risky to me to love myself, but it is a risk I am taking.

  I use my body to convey what my words cannot so my next goal is to find a way to express my grief, my hatred for the people I am supposed to love the most, and my pain. The way I am expressing my pain never gets me better and it never makes the hole any less emplty. I am drained of options and I am ready to try something new.

            I don't feel that I deserve unconditional love because I have never seen it, never felt it and not sure what to do even if I did have it. I see it in my daughter (I think) and it scares the bejesus out of me)...my parents said I did not deserve this, but I no longer believe them. I am sorry for how painful their lives must have been to have taken all of their pain out on an innocent child such as me, but I refuse to become them, just because they were too selfish to stop their own cycle of abuse. Also if they are still suffering from mental illness that allows abuse int heir lives , I pray that their eyes be opened so that they will stop that.

  
  

   

   

• I'mNotHungry said on Mar 21, 2008....

  he died 4 years ago of a heart attack

   

• Mamie said on Mar 21, 2008....

  I am happy he can no longer hurt you, sweetie.
  I am sorry though that you cannot say to his face that you needed him to be a father, not a criminal...I am sure his passing leaves this part of your life unfinished. I hope you have a peaceful night and lets chat tomorrow. k? best, me

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