I was eating in a restaurant tonight. With everything the same. With me, alone, for the nth time. Watching people walk by me, some of them holding hands with someone special. But for some unusual reason, I was happy, even though I was eating alone. Could it be the smell of the new leather case I bought for my Ipod? Or could it be the excitement that tomorrow I'll be reunited with my college Lacoste bag which zipper was broken for the longest time? I was happy. Why? There has to be a reason for everything, right?

I could still feel the sumptuous liempo I ate sliding down my throat when I started thinking about the reason for this unexplained bliss and contentment.

I went to conquer the world, unarmed, and by myself. I went there because I had to. I went over everyday, just functioning, and not even barely living. I lived like a man, no feelings of any sort, no other thought other than survival. It was all me. My life. I was determined to make the most out of it. I lived for the sole reason that someday I'll die and while I wait for that day, I had to work my ass off.

Independence has taught me priceless lessons. Independence proved me that not having a hero doesn't make you less of a woman. I was able to get through life living like a man. Literally. War-freak, alcoholic, self-sufficient, heart-breaker, cunning, street-smart and emotionless. I took care of myself pretty well. But being all these, became tiring.

I became too tired and worn out in taking care of myself. At the end of the day, when the muscles in my legs scream massage, I needed somebody who would just let me rest in his shoulder, fall asleep in his arms. Even though I acted like a man, smarter than most men are, spoke, thought, dressed, smelled like a man, there's still a silent woman in me. And this woman needed a little pampering.

I needed a man who wouldn't transform me to a mannequin. Just good for display. I want to be able to dress the way I want. Black, flip flops, bull cap, glasses, arm bands. I reak not of floral-scented perfume but of musk. And I love Drakkar. Im not your Barbie Doll, so dont go putting colors on my face, and buying pastel clothes. Im not vain, Im not "kikay", Im not a hot chick, nor Im a vamp. This is me. I dont want to have to apologize for who Iam.

I needed a man who wouldn't magnify my weaknesses. I know the things I lack, no need to shove 'em up my ass. And most probably, I wont do anything about it, not because I dont own up to my imperfections but because I want to intentionally spite you. Nobody is perfect. Not even men. God no. 

I needed a man who wouldn't force me to agree to his opinions. I needed a man who can equal my intellect, or much better, surpass it. I needed a man who can think for me when my head aches of too much thinking. I needed a man who can arrive to a logical decision in my behalf. I needed a man who can make me surrender and say, "I haven't thought of it that way, I guess you're right". Wavelength.

I needed a man who I can be friends with. Who will drink with me. Who will sing badly with me in the KTV. Who will take me out for a walk around the block when I feel bloated. Who will look at the midnight stars with me and wouldn't think its corny. A man I can talk to about anything and everything under the sun and wouldn't end up hating me. A man who, in one look at me, would know what Im thinking, or feeling without having to say anything. Connection. Wavelength, again.

Mom's not here anymore to feed my pride, or make me feel good about myself. Im compliment-thirsty. Yet Im a flattery-hater. Appreciation is important to me. People appreciate me, yes. And most of these people dont know me inside out. I needed a man who would look me straight in the eyes, and tell me Im beautiful. I want to be the most beautiful woman, not in the world, but in his eyes. That no timezone nor distance would stop him from making me feel me beautiful. I needed a man who will worship me, not pagan-worship, but a man who will adore me, in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. When Im 25, 45 or 65.

I needed a man who has a touch of sensitivity like that of a woman. Who would cry with just the thought of losing me. Who would cry at the movies or over a song with me, or for me.

I needed a man who wouldn't make me choose between my dreams or him.

I needed a man who knows his priorities yet would never allow me to take the back seat.

I needed a man who would make me feel needed. Who is man enough to seek for my help when he can't handle things on his own. Who believes in my capacity and trusts my wits that I could actually be of help to him.

I needed a man who wouldn't take me away from the God I've known all my life. I needed a man I can hold hands with in prayer, in the church. I needed a man whose faith I can count on to when mine starts to falter. I needed a man who would give up his angel wings and go to hell when he can't find me in heaven. I needed a man whose love for God is greater than his love for me.

They said, that I wont be able to find all of these in one man. No man could be this perfect.

They were wrong.

I did. I found him. And I'd be insanely deluded to let him go.  

This is why I'm happy. And the liempo I was eating tasted even more delicious.