Will I ever know?
"The way you love is as deep as the way you hate. This is the best tandem that could either make or break a person."
And I guess, I was broken.
Tonight, memories of you resurfaced. I tried so hard to put them all away, lock them somewhere nobody could find. I tried so hard to block the emotions that haunt me even in my deepest slumber. I tried so hard to get through each day, living life as normally as I could. But somehow, the cold breeze, getting in my bare pores, has its way of bringing your memories back to me. The cold breeze, that's supposed to be sweet, whispers echoing and deafening loneliness in my ears.
I should've been good at managing this. After all, this is my 4th Christmas without you. But when this time of the year comes, my tear glands come to life. And it manifests, nowhere, but out my eyeballs. Something, that no blocking, no mindset, no nothing, could control.
Talk to me about school. I can tell you everything I know about it. Talk to me about friendship. I can tell you everything you have to know about keeping and losing friends. Talk to me about maturity and independence. I can tell you how to survive it all. But talk to me about belonging to a family. I might not be able to tell you anything.
I dont have a clue on how it is to be a sister. I wasnt given the chance to be a part of what is known to be the basic unit of the society: family. Or rather, I unconsciously shelved that idea away because of the animosity I have learned to define through experience. I dont know. Dont talk to me about being a daughter. Because I feel that long before I could play my part, deliver my lines, I was cutoff, right in the middle. Thus, forever losing my chance to be one. I can still do so much, for you, for him. Im caught in a dead end and now I've nowhere to go. I've got nothing to do but let myself suffer the hopefully temporary paralysis this season is bringing me. I hate it when I remember you. I hate it when Christmas comes. I hate it when the new year starts. I hate everything that has something to do with ending and starting a year.
I hate it when I remember you. Because I know, tomorrow will come, and no matter how hard I cry tonight, you wont be there. And I will have to convince myself that Im alive when infact, I died, the same day you did. I hate it when Christmas comes, because everyone's happy being around their families. And I've got none. And it helplessly takes me back to the last Christmas you were with me. I hate it when the new year starts. The first month of that devastating year, was the last time we were together.
I hate the thought of "family". This is one subject I was never good at. I failed on being a sister to my siblings. Much less, on being a daughter to you, and him.
What irks me, is the longing, the intense longing, the obsession, the desire, the hope, the prayer, to belong to one. I hate it all together, but deep in the confines of my entire being, I have loved and I still do, the thought of this.
Why can other people, from outside my last name, love me without judgment or hesitation? But I cant get my own sweat and blood to do so? Tell me, my dear Florencia, is it my fault? If this question is far from being answered, then tell me, how do I get this curse off me? How hard is it to live a normal life, away from the voice of depression brought about by your absence, and away from the black, empty hole brought about by being incomplete?
Will I ever know?
