• pickersplock said on Mar 20, 2008....

  You'll get better, Fallyn.  I can see your strength.
  You'll find your way though the maze.
  I'm beginning to..........

• Zayda said on Mar 20, 2008....

  Fallyn: No you don't just walk away unscathed. But yes, very much yes, someone healthy can love you.
  
  
  But first, you have to learn to love you, scars and imperfections all. (We are all imperfect because we are human, btw.)
  
  
  Right now, you see the scars as representative of something ugly because that is your current perspective on those scars. You see those scars as a symbol of someone who is broken, who is unworthy, who is damaged, and dirty.
  
  
  But you are none of those things; you are not damaged goods; you are not dirty; you are not broken. Do not let what happened with him color your view of yourself in such a way.
  
  
  It takes time and healing but those scars can become representative of something beautiful--of the woman you are becoming, of the woman you are growing to be--the strong one, the one who respects and loves herself; the one who wants nothing but the best for her children; the woman who had the strength to stand up and fight for her kids.

• Fallyn said on Mar 20, 2008....

  i know. in my heart i do know that.

  and i can feel my own strength.

   

  it's just a dark time right now.

  and i'm impatient and craving things i cant have yet.......

  and all those memories washing over me just really did in my defenses.

• Fallyn said on Mar 20, 2008....

  and i'm in denial that it happened. that it really had an effect on me.

  in denial that there even are scars. in MY reality.........i didn't get into that situation.

  i didn't let him hurt me.

  even though that makes no sense.

  i cant even really explain it.

   

• Zayda said on Mar 20, 2008....

  Fallyn: Memories can wipe away your defenses when they come unexpectedly. You have to get to the space where you can control how you react to those memories. It takes time to get there.
  
  
  Actually, that you are in denial makes perfect sense. It's a stage that we all go through as victims of physical or sexual abuse. You deny that you could let yourself be in a situation like that. It's much like the stages of grieving someone when they die because you are grieving a loss--the loss of yourself or the lose of the person you though you were before the abuse or the death of how you saw yourself.
  
  
  I can't tell you how you move beyond that. We all do it differently. I can't even really tell you how I moved beyond it.
  
  
  But I did.
  
  And because I did, I know you can.

• pickersplock said on Mar 20, 2008....

  I understand.  I've been there, in some ways I'm still there.

• wombat said on Mar 20, 2008....

  The pain that others cause you never fully goes "away" but how you deal with it can change.  I've "come to terms" with alot, even though I still have the effects that plague me at times.  But one thing I DO know----you can find someone out there like I did that helps you heal, helps you deal, and walks with you the rest of the way down a better road.  I hope you find that person one day soon, but never give up hope.  There are kind ones that cross our paths.

• Fallyn said on Mar 20, 2008....

  zayda., this is the first time it's happened...and i wasn't ready or expecting it at ALL.

  i mean i've had memories come up before...but this is the first that it wasn't me....they just hit so hard.....i'm not sure that i'll handle it any better next time.

  considering i'm not even sure how tohandle it this time.

  oh pickers. *hugs* thankyou

• vacantmind said on Mar 20, 2008....

  One day you are going to wear those scars proudly and know they have made you stronger. You won't settle for less than what you think you deserve. You will see your future and know you can survive because you have already survived so much. Its just going to take some time You will heal!

• secretlife said on Mar 20, 2008....

  Fallyn:  everyone's damaged.
  life does that to all of us.
  the thing is, we have to fight not to become bitter and angry and hard as a result of it....
   
  i think alot about this.
  and i wrote about it last year as well.
   
   
   

• Lucytorial said on Mar 20, 2008....

  Its what makes you not only strong but also gives you the power to know what you are waiting for, no settling for anything in life that will scar you further in this way.  You are a lovable person and the right man will come along and show you just how deeply a person can love and cherrish you.  Its coming honey, be patient, heal your inner self and love that person, thats when you will attract that wonderful man in your life...
  
  I know I know, its all been said before right??? well hugs honey, if you want choc fudge icecream delivered or strawberry let me know, I'll throw in some sauce to drown in it as well! or better yet! lets go out and have a lovely lunch/dinner! a movie! a Spa mani??? pedi??? facial! yehhhhhhhh
  

• Fallyn said on Mar 20, 2008....

  vacant....i believe you...and look forward to that......just right now i feel diseased. and i'm not sure how to make that feeling go away.

   

  secret. the last thing i want is to be bitter and angry and hard.

  i want to get through this.

• Fallyn said on Mar 20, 2008....

  lucy.... how do i know what will scar me?

  i guess that's how damaged i feel......that i can't even spot it.

  that so much feels normal to me that isn't.

  that i feel so needy that i'm expecting too much from someone so that i can feel whole and loved.

• silverwhisper said on Mar 20, 2008....

  you've gotten some excellent advice, fallyn so i will merely add my voice to the chorus as nothing i can add could possibly improve on what's been said already.
  
  [hug]
  
  ed

• Fallen_from_Grace said on Mar 20, 2008....

  Fallyn,
  
  As has been said - we are *all* scarred and wounded and hurting in one way or another.  Some us us have been through physical abuse (having bones shattered), some sexual abuse (having our innocence violently ripped away from us), others emotional abuse (with our self-image and self-respect shredded)...  Everyone of us seems to suffer something.  There are no unscarred people out there - only survivors.  That doesn't diminish the personal pain you went through - that pain is unique to you and your experience and it isn't lessened by the fact that others suffer.  Just know that you are not alone, that your pain is understood, that YOU are understood, you are not crazy and did not do anything wrong.
  
  There *is* a someone out there for you, someone who can and will not only understand your agony, but who can and will help you heal from it.  Someone who will cherish you the way you need and desire deeply to be cherished, someone who will accept you as you are (all of you) and will give you all that they are.
  
  I hope and pray that when you find them (and they find you), that you will be open to accept them into your life, that you will believe in and accept their love for you...though I suspect you will feel undeserving of it - just as they will likely feel undeserving of such as precious treasure as you are.
  
  Be encouraged, have faith and hope and love for that someone to come to you...I believe they will, when you are ready to receive them into your life.  So until they show up, do everything you can to get ready for them...they *will* show up.
  

• gingersoul said on Mar 20, 2008....

  Fallyn.......there is no one who has not been scarred. The intensity and the magnitude of the damage only vary and each of us has different way to react and absorbe the damage.

  I am a slow metabolizer for sure.

  Time has a funny way to lead us thru this labyrinth of memories and tears. Sometimes it accellerates and we almost believe we are done with the past. We really feel as renew, reborn. Clean again.

  Then the time implodes and usually it takes nothing: a song, a poem, a nice word, a smile, and the elaborate safety blanket we had made for us gets ripped off again leaving us nude and trembling.

  Like you are feeling right now.

  Take it as it is: a heavy, dark cloud that is obscuring your sight.  Talk about these feelings and let these thoughts go away. And you are not dirty, you are not wrong, you are not disfigured. Your denial is falling off you....and this is good...you can see the truth in her eyes...

  This will make you stronger even though right now you feel so frail and desperate.

• Fallyn said on Mar 20, 2008....

  fallen ....i think  that's exactly what i needed to hear...and oddly enough...the same kind of advice i tend to hand out myself to people who need it.

  not sure why it's so hard to remember.

  ginger. thankyou so true so true.  that's exactly it.

  i was feeling clean and healed and better and sane and all that....and then one little thing triggers stuff i thought i'd gotten past...but had really only buried.

   

   

   

   

• MissMimi said on Mar 20, 2008....

  Here is what I know:  You are a beautiful woman filled with courage and strength.  In time you will feel stronger, one day at a time.
   
  I wish I had something more wise to offer.  All I can do for sure is offer you a big hug.  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fallyn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

• Fallyn said on Mar 21, 2008....

  miss mimi.....thankyou ....i sure do appreciate it.  and it helps so much.
  
  

• husbandhater said on Mar 21, 2008....

  Fallyn this is what I DON'T want my 9yrold to feel. Abuse (even Verbal) still scars. The tears I can physically see,the other ways it's effecting them all especially my 11yrold who hears and sees everything and keeps it all in. How do I teach my sons to love eachother and that they are suppose to be there for one another and take care of eachother and respect eachother when my husband trys to undermine the 9yrold and picks on him?
   
  I have alot to think about and I just needed time to think. I needed peace and peace for my children. 5yrold doesn't understand yet but the other two....
  I wish he could see what his behavior is doing to our family,our children. I know the last two set of cops did. At least they saw his behavior and his BIG mouth.
   
  I also know from experience that although the pain goes away the abuse is always there. But I don't want my kid to commit the next Columbine b/c of his hurt feelings. Neither one b/c the older child is hurting also. Fallyn I hope you were able to make some sort of peace with it. I try to. It made me stronger. And I see it did the same for you.

• crybabylu said on Mar 21, 2008....

  I dated an abuser in my youth.Took me a long time to get over it.  But, you will get past it.  After a time, I looked at it as a learning experience, that made me wiser and stronger.

   Think of it like this, maybe this will help.  Well, I am looking at my children, and they are worth me being whole, and maybe my experience is going to help somebody else down the line...

• stonetodabone said on Mar 21, 2008....

  Hi Fallyn,

  I'm new on here so this will be the first time anyone has heard of me. Coming from a male's point of view, I can't say that I understand what you are going through because I haven't experienced it. I can empathize with you, and let you know that you are not alone in this, and from what I read in the comments, even though us bloggers don't know each other personally, we do care about one another. Not only do I see you getting through this, I also see you becoming a better, stronger person because of it. This thing called life is definitely not easy by no means, and even the rich have their well-kept secrets, but its not what you go through its how you get through it, if you understand what I mean. "Men" who dishoner their women by any means of abuse is not considered  men to me. There is no excuse. I know of many situations where there is a form of abuse in a relationship and I have seen women who, at the time, think that its all their fault and they are too weak to get through it, but in the interim, they realize that they control their own destiny and can only heal if they allow it. That final step is yours to make and with the help of others, you can make it. I know you can.

• Ombrelle said on Mar 21, 2008....

  Fallyn, You will come out of this and your scars will heal, maybe not completely but at least partially. And when they do, or as they are healing, you will find yourself breathing new, clean air. Each time the memories surface you will be stronger and more able to let them go.

  Everyone has been so supportive here and I just wanted to show my support as well. Here's a huge ***HUG*** from me to you.

  Ombrelle

• Fallyn said on Mar 21, 2008....

  husband...i'm doing much better. much much.
  but the 5 year old gets more of it than you might imagine.
  which is massively sad.
  i think you completely did the right thing...your kids will be much better off in the long run.
  
  cry. i hope that too.....i can definitely see it as a learning experience....it's just sad when it affects so much in my life.
  
  stone.....thankyou. i know i'm strong enough to do this....i know it.
  it was a falter due to memories that hit me out of the blue and too hard for my present defenses to deal with.
  but i think i can move on. i hope.
  
  ombrelle, thankyou for the added support....that's what is so good about soulcast.
  i REALLY needed support...and i got it when i needed it.
  
  

• andora said on Mar 21, 2008....

  dearest,
  so many wonderful sentiments coming your way on this thread. coming here, as you have, to express the agony, bumps it down to fear and pain...an improvement that will help your children through this time. you are brilliant to let it come through here...as I see it, you know what to do - as you have already demonstrated.
  
  Hold tight to those miracles we call children - you are on the vangaurd of a new day - and your tears will soothe those scars. Crying was the best thing I could do when my ex-husband destroyed our dreams. I could not open to other men for quite some time because I had much to learn about the real nature of sexual relations and the context within which we have them. Please don't push that sexual window open  prior to the self-forgiveness...this way you won't waste years in the  vicious circle of rebound dependency relations. (for what its worth)
  
  I have devoted the last 2 decades toward answering the questions that you proposed in your agonizing expressions. I have offered this info at www.pangasm.org because the 'Language of Shamelessness" that pangasm illustrates will take the shame and the blame out of your experience and get you closer to forgiving yourself and your x. This is really the only model that will deliver your children from the pattern you are stuck in today...FORGIVENESS.
  
  Don't worry about forgiving him just yet, because that would be premature, until you forgive yourself for loving that which has dishonored you, it will be hard to appreciate the miracles we call children. self-forgiveness is the only path to wholeness, for now you are in shock so let yourself be close to the earth during the numb times, then let the tears and the rage roll - mama earth can handle this for you. My heart is aching for you fallyn, you are a roll model for many women that are keeping silent in the darkness of shame. Aloha.
  

• I'mNotHungry said on Mar 21, 2008....

  Dearest Fallyn

  I sense your strength in your words, here, and when you give me reinforcement on my posts.  I see your strength in your posts when you talk about your children and your love for them. 

  I am here for you.  I know this will make you roll your eyes, but I'm much better at caring for other people, than I am for myself.

  Promise.

  Love yourself, Fallyn

• Fallyn said on Mar 21, 2008....

  andora, thankyou that was beautiful.
  
  not hungry....i'n not rolling my eyes. *grin*
  i'm the same, it's much easier to care for others than it is for yourself.
  i appreciate it.....and i'm not rolling my eyes.
  

Comment on "permanent damage"

Currently tagged	life abuse healing Life suffering It doesnt heal Makes you stronger trying failing recovery scars pain (Click to add tags below)
Tag this post	(Separate tags using commas, for example: New York, dating, vegetarian)
Your comment