My anxiety level was getting really high yesterday, so I decided to
take one of my Xanax. But for some reason, I always feel guilty if I
take that. Like I'm not supposed to do it. Which doesn't really make
sense since it was prescribed for me to take it when I need it. And I
needed it. So why should I feel like I did something bad? I don't know.
It doesn't really make a lot of sense I guess.
It might be because I used to take them like candy, among other things,
just to feel happy. And it worked well, which is why I kept doing it.
For fun. And I reason with myself that what I'm doing now is not really
for fun. It's for necessity,
therefore I shouldn't feel bad about it. But when I stop to think about
it, I'm still taking it for the same reasons really. I took it so I
could escape my anxiety and my racing mind. And that's why I did it
before too and got hooked. Because whether my intent is for fun or
necessity, I still like it. It's still fun. And I wish I could feel that calm and relaxed forever.
But obviously it wears off and then I'm back to me again. And that's
the problem. Because I'd rather go back to the calm feeling instead. So
maybe that's why I'm always so reluctant to take it? Because I love it
so much, it's almost worse knowing how good I could feel, rather than
just suffer through the episode without ever knowing what it feels like
to be calm. Because then I wouldn't crave that feeling because I
wouldn't remember what it felt like in the first place.
Yeah, I just read over what I wrote and apparently my mind is
definitely back to racing. I'm not even sure those paragraphs made any
sense. But oh well. I'm just writing this out because I feel I need to.
Even if it is unintelligible to most people.
I think one of my biggest issues is guilt. And sometimes embarrassment.
Because I feel guilty for being so weak that I need a calming pill to
survive. And I'm embarrassed by that too. Because it seems so stupid to
me. And I also get embarrassed and feel like hiding after I've told
everyone I know that I'm totally better now. And then a few days later,
I'm back to being crazy. It's frustrating.
Every time I do feel good and normal and awesome, I really swear that
it's gonna last. Nothing could possibly stop me because this time it's
different. And I don't just say that to make everyone else feel better
for me, or because I'm trying to give myself a pep talk. I TRULY
believe it with all my heart and soul. And I'm so excited about that,
that I tell everyone, "I'm cured!" And then I just end up feeling like
a total ass when time and time again, it proves to be a delusion. It's
embarrassing and I want to crawl into a hole sometimes.
I always wonder why I keep believing my own lies to myself. Or worse
yet, why everyone else around me actually believes them too. When I say
I'm all better, everyone else thinks it's real too. Or at least they
pretend to me that they think it's real. I guess it's possible that
under the surface, everyone else is thinking, "yeah, we'll see how long
this lasts...." while they're telling me to my face that they believe
this time is different too. I don't know. And I guess it doesn't really
matter.
Maybe someday when I think I'm better it won't be lie. It'll be real.
And maybe someday I won't need to take happy pills to survive a day.
One can dream. But that might be all it really is. A dream. But I like dreams....
blackthorn28 posted on Mar 20, 2008
| views: 361
Comments
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 20, 2008....
(((hugs)))
hiya friend,
i have been lurking. . .reading lots. . .seeking comfort in words. . .
hope you found some release writing your thoughts down. . .
paper~
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killingme4u said on Mar 20, 2008....
well this sure does make alot of sense to me.i'm on xanax and i took it like candy also.know where ya at if it help's at all.not nonsense at all....take care. -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 20, 2008....
paper--It's so good to see you :-) I was wondering if you were lurking around in the shadows again. I'm glad you showed your face. I've missed you!
killingme4u--I'm so relieved this made sense to someone other than me. Thank you for reading and understanding.
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Mamie said on Mar 20, 2008....
*sigh, I sure wish you would judge yourself with the same compassion you judge...me. Stop beating up my friend please=))) -
Mr_Box said on Mar 20, 2008....
You know that when you get happy and think you're all better and tell people about it, it's not a lie. A lie would be something you knew was false and said it anyway.What you're talking about is having hope. And there's not a damn thing wrong with it. You may be a pessimist a lot of the time, but a big burst of optimism doesn't equal a lie.Don't feel guilty about taking your medicine either. If it helps you, that's good. Just be careful with it. Don't over do it. But please, take it if you need to without feeling bad about it. -
quietone said on Mar 20, 2008....
oh gee, you know maybe, just maybe some day that wish/dream will come true and it will last! I can only imagine what a push and pull struggle this is for you. And the xanax, well its perscribed for you.. its not the same as taking it "for fun".. cause for one thing I am sure what you feel at times is NOT fun. bless you my friend.
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ninjapirate said on Mar 20, 2008....
I think I know how you feel on this one too. I feel very embarassed that I have to take happy pills, hehe I've been calling them happy pills too. However, how I justify it is this, I'm only going to use them till I work through my issues and get to a place where I have resolved or at least accepted my problems and know how to deal with them, then I can go off of them. If that's a year from now or a little longer so be it, but for me looking at it as a tool kind of helps. I just see it as for right now I need something to lean on, it took me so long to realize that I honestly can't do this on my own anymore, so I have a tool to help me get back on my feet. I dunno if that makes sense, but I hope so. -
motherofchicken said on Mar 20, 2008....
i'm sorry to hear of these struggles blackthorn...there's nothing like the bottomles pit of guilt and shame...but really?...there is absolutely no reason to. I'm sure by tomorrow you'll have another 20 comments of people who care about you here who'll reassure you they are 1) happy when you feel like you're getting better, and genuinely supportive and optimistic, and 2) no one will ever think taking meds for anxiety is self-indulgent. it's a human right to want to feel calm and relaxed, not a privilege!
I mean to me, anxiety is so much easily justifiable in terms of taking meds. My ex had (and still sometimes struggles with) anxiety and panic attacks, and I really encouraged her taking meds -- who wants to sit on the bus wondering if there's enough air for all of us to breath in there? For my own condition - which I don't know if I can best describe as "a constant, overwhelming at times, sadness and pessimism" I am a long way from justifying or even considering meds....
Oh, and my last point (yes everything is a logical argument i know) is that actually you HAVE gotten better over time - you've come a long way, it seems like, through sharing your thoughts here, getting support, managing your mental and emotional health without meds, now being responsible about taking them...so give yourself some credit too - it's not just an up-and-down rollercoaster, it's an upward squiggly line.
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Battycat said on Mar 20, 2008....
I like your rambling :-) -
the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 20, 2008....
Throw me in with Mamie and Jack. You wouldn't think badly of someone else who was struggling like this, who took a Xanax when they honestly felt they needed to take one. I know you wouldn't. You're compassionate and caring, and you wouldn't judge them for that. So why judge yourself so harshly?
You aren't lying when you say to someone, "Hey, I feel good!" when you're feeling good. It doesn't mean every day will be sunny from there on out, because nobody gets 100% happy/"up" days! And there's nothing wrong with believing that this time will be different. Every time. Because who knows? That might be the time you're right, and everything changes. I think it'll be a gradual process, but I do think you can break the cycle, and will one day. :)
So pull hope in tightly around you, and don't feel guilty for doing what you need to do to be able to breathe again, you know? We all do that, even if one man's method and another's aren't exactly alike. We're all human, and as a wise friend recently said to me, it's ok to not be strong all the time. Nobody really can be. So when you do need a Xanax, or when you feel the cycle starting over, don't be so hard on yourself. You do what you need to do, and you have friends by your side every step of the way. :)
And I agree with motherofchicken. You *are* on the path toward "better" -- look at where you've been, if you need proof!
~Infernal
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silverwhisper said on Mar 20, 2008....
seriously: what mamie and jack said.
[hefts trout threateningly]
ed -
the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 20, 2008....
Oh, and here's the random thought of the day for ya:
I wonder if anteaters like Skittles.
[headscratch]
~Infernal
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Fallyn said on Mar 20, 2008....
i've felt that way ......excited to be all better. and then reality hits, and you realize you've still got a long way to go.
hopefully people understand.
i understand anyway.
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Fallyn said on Mar 20, 2008....
soooo wierd.
it just posted twice then gave me the option of editing my last comment.....so...here's the edit. :P
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wombat said on Mar 20, 2008....
I wish I could feel calm and and relaxed forever, too. There is nothing to feel bad about taking your prescribed medicine. I didn't give it enough a chance before, I know. It kind of scared me--that first head rush of difference. Maybe it was because my wiring was really off at the time? But I hope you don't feel guilt at doing what will make you feel better. I could say the same of my cigarettes and when I decide to "feel better" by having a few light beers---they certainly aren't "subscribed" but they do the trick if I want them to. Funny how if I am in one of my "moods" I could drink an ocean of rum and it wouldn't affect me....(an exageration, of course, but you get the point) I have to "be in the mood" to feel better before I can get in a better mood. Well, look who's rambling, but I have too much to ramble about on this subject, so I will stop here. And just leave a {hug}? -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 20, 2008....
mamie--I know you're right. I'd never feel this way about anyone else... just me. And I really don't know why I'm so hard on myself.
Mr. Box--I guess you could call it hopeful optimism and not a lie. That does sound better. I guess it just feels like a lie because it doesn't ever end up being true. But when I say it, I mean it. So yeah....it's optimism. Thank you.
quietone--Thank you. I guess it's not the same as taking things for fun, but maybe I just have a complex about it? I hope someday the wish will come true too!
ninja--It did make sense to me. And it took me a really long time too to admit I couldn't do it on my own. But I guess I'm still not quite used to that realization yet....
motherofchicken--Your comment was really helpful and nice. Thank you. I guess I have come a long way in the scheme of things. But I think other people notice it more than me because I am too hard on myself. But I suppose you're right that it's not a bad thing to take something that makes me feel good when the alternative is to feel horrible. I'm not sure why I feel such guilt.
battycat--Thank you :-)
Infernal--Thank you for your nice comment :-) I really appreciate what you said. I know I'd never look down on anyone in my situation, but for some reason, my brain doesn't ever allow the same compassion for myself. I guess I'll keep up the hope but maybe next time I'll be quieter about it? Oh, and just so you know...you succeeded in making me laugh. Anteaters do like Skittles. They snort them up with their big long snout! ;-)
silver--I don't want the trout! Anything but the trout! I'll be good :-)
fallyn--I'm glad you understand. Thank you. I think next time I might just keep my optimistic excitement to myself for awhile!
wombat--Thank you for your comment. I understand what you're saying too. I've definitely had a few beers to chill out and didn't feel bad about it. And I do think that with stuff like that, if you're wanting to wallow, it probably makes you feel worse instead of better. You really do have to want to feel happy or else it doesn't really work huh? -
nursecutie said on Mar 20, 2008....
Please don't feel guilty or embarrassed about any of this stuff. There is no need! Lots of people have already said what I would say to you.....and HAVE said to you all the time. It's ok to be happy and excited when you feel good. And one of these days it will last. I know it will.
And the pills are there to help you calm down because you need them. I know that if you didn't need them you wouldn't take them. So it is different than before. Promise. You are doing good and I am still proud of you :)
{{{{hugs}}}}
love you,
xxoo natalie xxoo
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gingersoul said on Mar 20, 2008....
Black....oh please, keep writing these thoughts down.....they make perfect sense and if i didn't tell you this before i tell you now.....first time i read your post i have been amazed by your depth, the way in which you were describing your feelings, your love for your woman....the fallen angels...
Then i found out who you were and i felt evene more in awe...because your twin also writes really good. But, between you and I, he is the one who doesn't make much sense sometimes...i mean, come on, ghosts? Crazy bag ladies? ..LOL...
Kidding...i like you in both version. Don't stop writing but listen to Natalie...she knows what she is talking about and she loves you so much...{hug}.
If you onlyy could be more forgiving with yourself......you are worth of love and good in life.
I always get emotional when i read you because you remind me so much of my sister....her dark side has been sedated by heroine and alcohol but she was feeling like you....not worthy, an impostor, a delusional. I am so happy you have Natalie with you. She foudn only one man who really loved her teh way she loved him and he died in a car accident. After that she has basically never been completely herself anymore....with her were only very high moments of excitment, laghter, fun and very low moments of depression, drinking, isolation, anger.
Sorry if i talked so much about her....have a nice evening..
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blackthorn28 said on Mar 21, 2008....
cutie--I'll try not to feel guilty or embarrassed. I know that we've talked about this a lot but I guess I'm too stubborn to believe it. But thank you for still believing in me. I love you too....
ginger--Thank you :-) And I guess my other writings are a little out there sometimes too! But that's me. I'm really glad you do like what I write though. I'm trying to be more forgiving of myself but it's hard. And I'm really sorry about your sister and the struggles you had to watch her go through. I know it's hard and I don't want to put my family through that either.
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the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 21, 2008....
I'm glad you laughed at my dorky thought. :-D I don't think I'd like Skittles up my nose, but my schnozz isn't exactly anteater-ish. I hope. :-D
~Infernal
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lionesss said on Mar 22, 2008....
everyone has good days and bad days and its unfortunatually uv been going through more bad days, you dnt have to feel bad or be hard on yourself fof taking tablets that uv been given by ur gp, how long has it been since u last had a proper assesment by ur gp or a cpn nurse as the medication your on now seens that its just not working properly or ur at ur correct level, you can request a cpn assesment to they can also refere you to a hospital it maybe the case you never no,, you may of already done all this but if i was you i wud go back to ur gp ask to be re assesed maybe need a dif kind of tablet its worth a try, and if people are really are ur friends then they wont lie to you , they will support you, as this is a very hard illness to explain to anyone who doesnt have it or experianced it, thats my advice anyway for you, i have a cpn and she is great,
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