this might not make any sense.
i'm just up...and shouldn't be.
and my brain is going.
but isn't.
so...i'm just rambling.
maybe i can make some sense of my own head.
we'll see.

feeling blah.
worn out
wiped out.
irresponsible for still being awake.
but i just don't feel ready to go to bed yet.
i still feel wound.

stupid tooth.
it doesn't even hurt anymore....except for the opening of old wounds i thought had healed over.
remembering stuff.
remembering him.
remembering how badly i wanted his approval.
his expression of worthiness.

why wouldn't he ever let me touch him?
that hurt most of all.
i'm a very tactile person.
i can't get enough physical affection
i don't mean sex.
but....touching.
hand holding.
all of that.
i can't even type it all out.
i wish i had a way to convey what i'm meaning through pictures...thoughts feelings.
etc.
i need my paints out.
then i could express it.
a bit of color.

blue for the passion of myself......how hard i fought to win his bits of attention.
yellow for someone who cares, and arms held tight around me.....loving me. ....and how rare that really is.

purple for the way he scorned me.....ridiculed me.
laughed at my mistakes......and not kindly the way people usually do.

brown for the arguing.
white for the submission of my will to his when i couldn't come up with anything other than emotion.

black for the tentacles of pain and hurt i thought i might be able to inflict on his psyche
this only after he mentioned he thought i was trying to hurt him psychically.
so i figured hey...why the hell not.

ochre........for the nights i wished and hoped i'd get a call from the police saying he'd been in a fatal accident.
so i wouldn't have to deal with the guilt involved if i broke my promises and left him.
stronger than any marriage license......which we never had.

red for the anger i felt every time he pointed out my flaws.

green and purple swirled together for the shame i felt every time i failed to perform in bed the way he thought i should if i really wanted to please him because i loved him.

purple and brown ....the insides of myself when i finally broke down bawling my eyes out in a corner when i realized how completely worthless i was in his eyes.

green....... the sweetness of a good cry.......

red for the color i needed when i had no more tears and the pain would not release from inside me.

yellow and red........ hope......and elation.
at finding someone who understood me.
whom i seemed to have known forever.

purple....for betrayal........myself. others, him.
always him.

he betrayed my secret heart.
i gave my life to him........i gave my soul to him.
i did everything in my power to become something special to him.
to care for him.

there were no nights of love making.
not that didn't end in tears......because i'd moved wrong.
there were no walks through the park holding hands.

there was no looking in the eyes.
no caresses, no hair stroking.
no compliments, no gifts.

he told me i was smart......
therefor....it was willful and deliberate when i'd break his rules.
willful and deliberate when i'd accidentally bump him.....and hurt him and not know it.

someone loved me.
someone cared for me.
and i loved and cared for them back.
but he damaged me.....and through my damage ....wrecked the budding love that was growing.
his acknowledgment that i was worth something meant so much.
i couldn't lose hope that he might find me worthy.

he's a little boy.
a selfish, know it all.
a jerk.
a control freak.
seriously disturbed.

blue for tears.
until the tears turn black and dry up.
then the soul becomes dust
and someone came and started sprinkling water on it......and it was reviving......
my soul was breathing again.
it had withered.
nearly dead.
severely atrophied.
and all he had to do was see me. .....he looked inside....and saw ME.
and my soul........it started breathing again.

but i hadn't pulled all the way away yet.....and he was still damaging me.
he still had those hooks in me......
strings tied to my heart.
pull on one....and i make this mistake and hurt the person who brought life into my soul again.
pull on this one........make me do what he wants.
what he sees is right.
pull on this one and my life falls apart.
pull on this one and my love doesn't know who i am anymore.

and now i'm not seen.
i try so hard to reveal my soul........but all he sees is smoke and mirrors.
what is real? what is not.

i'm real......i'm bare, and open and showing my skin pulled back from my beating heart and it's scarred. and damaged, and sometimes it still hurts.
but it's not dusty and brown and atrophied anymore.
it can feel pain again.
it can feel love again.
it can feel joy and magic and wonder again.
scars and all. it's alive again.

no matter what happens to us.....no matter if you can never see that my soul is open to you.....
i wish you would always know that you gave me that tiny ray of hope......and it shown on my dried out soul........and started it breathing again.

thankyou.
i wish i could have done the same for you.