Well I guess I spoke too soon about my optimistic progress. Not that I'm saying all hope is lost. It's not. Even if for a few moments I assumed it was. But I guess I was expecting too much, too soon. Just because I decide that I've had enough and take a pill, doesn't mean my brain is going to listen to me or respond to the medicine. At least not right away. I knew that. I expected that. In fact, I kept thinking to myself that I'd rather not notice a difference at all, than to notice this huge mind numbing change that I was going to hate. But it still sucks.
Mostly because I really wanted things to be different this time. It's amazing how one day I can feel so normal and happy, and the next day, it just shifts. No warning, no reason. That's the hardest part. No reason! It makes no sense. But I'm not depressed right now. In fact, I still feel pretty good. Mostly. But I'm way too hyper and my mind is completely racing. And my anxiety is building too. It's not normal.
Not that I actually know what normal really is, but I know it's not THIS. I was talking to someone earlier today and they had to stop me and ask me if I was alright. They wondered if my head was about to explode or something. And I guess they were right. I was rambling on about stupid shit like which place in California smells the worst. And I was actually interested in this conversation, yet I don't think they were. Which is typical. Because sometimes I never know when to shut up. And I don't realize that I'm just spewing out random bullshit because it's in my head and needs to come out.
But it's more than just me talking or thinking too much or pondering ridiculous things like smelly cities. It's my anxiety. I feel like my adrenaline is pumping constantly. Think about how you feel when someone sneaks up on you and yells, "boo!" You jump, and your heart races for a minute, and you feel like running away. But after a moment, you're okay. You know it's just your friend fucking around with you and that you're not gonna die. But imagine feeling like that all day long. For no reason. No one yelled boo at me. I'm not scared of anything. Yet, that's what I feel like.
And usually I know that this sudden mood shift will lead to badness. Eventually. Because I get so tired. If you can imagine feeling like your mind is on overdrive, and your body is in a constant state of adrenaline rush, how you'd feel after a few days. Or weeks. Because sometimes it lasts that long. And I just get exhausted and want it to end. But there is no end, because there isn't a switch I can turn off.
The inside of my mind is like listening to a radio filled with static. And it's picking up all sort of stations all at once. One station is hip hop, one is country, one is Spanish talk radio, and one of them is a cool rock station. I like that station, but I can't ever get it to come in clear because of all the other shit drowning it out. And I hate country music and I don't speak Spanish, so a lot of this noise is indecipherable to me and grating on my nerves.
And you can never turn it off. Eventually it just runs out of battery power and shuts down completely. But that's not good either. Because when that happens, the silence becomes deafening. And I feel like I'm stuck alone in a cave with no sunlight or sound or a way out. It's lonely and scary in the silence. I hate the silence almost as much as I hate the noise.
I really just want to have one good radio station in my head, playing songs I like, that comes in clearly. But I only get a few days of that sporadically here and there before it goes away. The signal in my mind doesn't stay clear long. Is that why crazy people wear tinfoil hats? I'm thinking that might be the case. Who knows?
But this is where I'm at. I'm fine, but not really. Because I know I'm moving towards something that's not good. And I don't know if I'll be able to stop it. Maybe I can? But I doubt it. The future is always so uncertain. For everyone, of course. But for me, it's even more so sometimes.
I went to bed last night feeling normal and I woke up today knowing it was gone. I felt it. I tried to push it away and just refuse to accept there'd been a change. But that doesn't work either. It catches up to me. It always does. I guess there's nothing else I can do right now except see how this plays out.
blackthorn28 posted on Mar 18, 2008
| views: 440
Comments
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Me-Myself&I said on Mar 18, 2008....
Is there something that sets you off balance? Or is it a instant thing, out of no where?
I have mood swings but normally something triggers my moods. One way or the other, it's no fun.
Hey, you're together more than you give yourself credit for!
Here's a quote ....by ~Margaret Thatcher
You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it.
So, please never give up, I wish you Peace! Take care of yourself.(hug) ~see ya
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wombat said on Mar 18, 2008....
While I am sad to read this, (I sure hate to know someone out there goes through what I do) I just had to say that I completely understand every word here--just so sorry that you have to feel this way. I thought it was just me....I get like this alot, but always live to fight another day. Maybe this will mean something, I don't know.But the last few times I was lying in bed and my thoughts were bouncing around ninety miles an hour from one subjsect to another, I got kind of happy. I was thinking, "Well, at least I am having a good time inside my head." The show must go on.Believe me, I know what you are talking about. You are not alone in this wandering around the crazy, crowded world. -
gingersoul said on Mar 18, 2008....
That's exactly like an ex boyfriend of mine, who was bi-polar, explained me how he was constantly feeling....like a radio picking up three hundred stations all together with no way to shut it off...
We didn't last that much ...three months.... then he called me from Colorado and never heard of him anymore. He had left me two days before talkign about big projects of a relationship, telling he knew he had found something precious in me and stuff like that.
When we were together and he was in a bad day he would complain about sounds or lights or noisy places...but he would always feel the need to apologize about his behavior....he was extremely intelligent..an expert bridge and chess player....
I hope you will be able to keep the next dark moment at bay..... damn, there must be somenthing that works right for you ..{hug}
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hinana said on Mar 18, 2008....
i dont know what to say to you, and i dont know if anyone saying anythign can really make you better, but I hope you get your good radio station back soon.The country can get annoying eh. -
fearing said on Mar 18, 2008....
Listen, I've seen your head - foil is not your color.
....Here if you need a friend okay?
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pickersplock said on Mar 18, 2008....
Stay strong, my friend. We all have those days.Keep your mind busy, stay active. It will pass.Ride the wave, dude! -
crybabylu said on Mar 18, 2008....
It takes anywhere between two to six weeks to make any real difference. If you haven't been off meds for long, let's say a few months, then two weeks you might see a difference, otherwise you might be looking at six weeks.
But of course, I am not a doctor only a doctor can tell you for sure, but this is what I have been told.
In the meantime, hold on tight to all your loved ones, and utilize them if need be, like your brother, Mr. Box. That is what family is for. ..I mention him because, like you, he is a man, and sometimes men can relate to each other more, but you do have a sweet competant nurse at your side, don't forget that....keep us posted, no matter how far out it seems to you, post, post post, I do think it is part of your salvation in this crisis....LOL, dee
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the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 18, 2008....
I'm here for you. That sounds very difficult -- I can't stand the external version of multiple stations playing at once, so I can't imagine how much worse that sort of thing would be in your head. :-/
~Infernal
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Mr_Box said on Mar 18, 2008....
Damn...you know I was hoping you had more positive news to share. But you know what? It's okay. This is not the end of everything.Because it's too soon to know if the medicine is actually going to help. And you know that. So don't feel like this situation is telling of your future progress. It's not.I don't even know if I fully understand what the medicine does anyway. I know it helps with depression, but does it help with this sort of thing? You said you're not depressed, but anxious.Or is that what the other medicine was supposed to help? Because in that case, maybe that one is just not working well and you need something different.Either way, I'm sorry your brain is refusing to shut off. I think the tinfoil hat would make you laugh, even if it didn't help.(by the way, what's the smelliest city in California?) -
ninjapirate said on Mar 19, 2008....
I totally know what you're talking about with all this stuff. Sorry you're experienceing it too, my sleep sure has suffered from it. I hate when you wake up and just know something good is gone, because you have no control over getting it back it seems, or at least for me. Anyway, if you just started your pills they do mess with your mind and do other stuff, but I hope the side effects go away fast for you, if that's what any of this is. Give them a good month though, and take one day at a time, I really hope it gets better. -
silverwhisper said on Mar 19, 2008....
dude, i wonder the same thing mm&i does: is there a specific trigger, or group of triggers? are you sleeping enough at night?
ed -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 19, 2008....
Me-Myself--Thank you for the support. And yes, I do have certain triggers that can set off my anxiety. But the hyper feeling is something that just sort of comes without warning. And when I'm feeling like that, my anxiety tends to get set off for no reason and not even need a trigger. It makes it confusing.
wombat--You know, most of the time when my mind is going a million miles per minute, it doesn't bother me all that much. I am happy inside my head because I'm easily entertained in that state. But eventually the noise gets to be too much. It's comforting though to know someone else gets this. Thank you.
Ginger--I hope I can keep the dark moments at bay too. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. Thank you.
hinana--Yeah, the country station gets really annoying! ;-)
fearing--Thank you :-) And yeah, foil probably isn't the best fashion choice for me huh?
pickers--I have no trouble right now keeping my mind active. I'll hang in there and just try not to stress too much about what it might lead to.
crybaby--I know you're right about the medicine. It does take awhile to kick in, which is why I know I was expecting too much, too soon. But I guess I just thought my 'normal' times might last for longer. But I'll be okay. I have to be. And writing really does help release my thoughts.
Infernal--Thank you :-) It is hard sometimes. But I guess I'll make it through since I'm so used to it.
Mr. Box--To answer your question, I don't know what the medicine will help exactly. The new one is for depression, so that's a given. And I've already been taking the anti-anxiety medication for awhile and it doesn't help. But I think the new one also helps with anxiety too. But I'm not taking anything to curb the mania really and I don't know if the new pill helps with that. My goal was to just get by with as little as possible, but we'll see how it goes in the long run. And just so you know, the smelliest city I came up with was that place where Harris Ranch is. I don't know the name, but you can smell it from ten miles away!
ninja--I didn't actually think about it being the pills messing with my mind. You could be right. That could be the trigger in this case. I should have realized since I've had such a hard time of taking them in the past. I'll stick it out though and hope it evens out and eventually helps me. Thanks for mentioning that.
silver--I already addressed my triggers (or lack thereof) above. But a lot of times, no, I don't sleep that much. It's hard to sleep when your adrenaline is pumping. By the end of the day, I'm usually exhausted, so I fall asleep easily. But after a few hours, I'm awake. And it's really hard to shut my mind off and go back to sleep.
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silverwhisper said on Mar 19, 2008....
how much caffeine do you have during the day? is it possible your body's crashing at the end of the day?
ed -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 19, 2008....
silver--I sometimes have a lot of coffee. But my usual routine is one cup at home, then I'll get a Starbucks on my way to work. Not a big one though. And then for the rest of the day, I don't really have any more caffeine. So I don't know if that's too much or not. But I actually wake up in the middle of the night feeling over-energized and probably don't even need coffee, but I just like the taste. -
silverwhisper said on Mar 19, 2008....
that's really weird...what about other stimulants, like sugar? cuz outside of that, i'm afraid i don't have any other suggestions!
ed -
Pontius_Pilate said on Mar 19, 2008....
I understand what you mean. All too well.
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Mamie said on Mar 19, 2008....
hey there, one of the things I want to say is that you WILL be okay. Just ride the wave like everyone is saying and don't try to figure it out....just figure outhow to BE with it. Its normal ya know? Try to let it be normal instead of saying this is so not normal...I will pm you....hope this day goes okay for you! xo, mamie -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 19, 2008....
silver--Unfortunately, it's really just my brain chemistry. It goes haywire. I don't know all the specifics of it, but everyone has these chemicals in their brain and most people don't have them triggered unless there's a reason. Like danger is approaching. But for someone like me, my brain just fires off these warnings for no reason and I can't stop it.
pontius--I'm sorry you understand so well....
mamie--Thank you :-) I'm trying not to obsess too much over what this might or might not mean. But it's hard! I'm gonna hang in there though. I'll look for your message....
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quietone said on Mar 19, 2008....
you explained this so well my friend. I could read and listen but not truely ever understand what goes on in someone elses head.. now I have a better understanding. I do know however how it feels to "wake up" and know a feeling is gone.. general depression does that too.. but you.. you hang in there and I hope this medication will kick in and help out with the static and multi stations. If it doesn't then keep trying under doctors care until... until you find the right match for you and it works... and you get that one song in your head loud and clear... and you can enjoy it. I am so glad you do have this place to come and vent.. we are here for what little it helps.. and I'd like to see the tin hat! hey you still got that bit of humor going on even in this mess. {{{{hugs}}} Hang in there, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers -
diabolicdame said on Mar 19, 2008....
Hi blackthorn.. Reading this, I really got a sense of what you're going through and how tiresome it must be! I'm sorry it has to be this way for you right now.... but just hold on.. it can't stay this way for long. I know I can't really say anything that'll help right now but I just want to show you my support and. I believe you'll get through this just fine and that you'll get through this soon! Take care.. :-) -
starchini said on Mar 19, 2008....
Hmmm...id like to say that i know what your talking about but im not sure if anyone ever knows what anyone is talking about, ever. Sometimes i feel like a lunatic bc i my mind i racing on lots of different things and the second one gets my attention im off on another product, dont know if its cuz im busy or crazy or if someone else doing the same things im doing can do it without the mind game. Other times ill find myself on my hands and knees searching for something on the floor, ill stop and realize i have no idea what im looking for, but 5 seconds ago it was a life and death matter. Ugh...so if i say i know what ur talking about im not sure i do bc im not in your head, maybe u described what happens to me but to what degree i dont know. Maybe my 300 thoughts seem like urs but maybe ur really having 1000 thoughts. Then i think about that saying "if u know ur crazy ur really not bc crazy people dont knowthey are crazy", so maybe all that u said is perfectly normal bc u acknowledge it. Maybe everything i say is stoopid, i dont know what im talking about...there i go again GOOD LUCK! -
xamount said on Mar 19, 2008....
i know what your saying too. this is why i think that people drill holes in their heads....to let it out. that is what it's like for me. i just want to puke or pee or crap or bleed or SOMETHING to get it out of my head. ~*~ x ~*~ -
dailyachesandpains said on Mar 19, 2008....
Thorn: I'm sorry for what you're feeling right now. BUT, thank you for putting the way I feel into words that I COULD NEVER place to describe it. I'm having a moment myself right now and the first place I came to was here. The first post I saw was this. Just after I emailed my shrink...I wish I could have copied and pasted this post to him.What is the shittiest smelling place in CA anyway? ;-IDaily -
lionesss said on Mar 19, 2008....
hiya i was wondering if you were alryt,as normally afta a few good days some down days follow, i know this from experiance, i know exacatly what you mean about talking 1oo mile hr about nothing in particular,maybe your meds havnt kicked in yet they do take up to 3/4 wks but have you thort of asking for a mild seditive maybe a wk suply until they work but only use them wen u feel the need? i no wot its lyk to wake up knowing yhat ur going to have a shit day and that puts u on a downer before u get out ov bed,so just stay tight for a while with the med go bk to ur dr if ur completely unhappy,"which bipolar does" there is no need 4u to suffer the med ur on my nt be ryt?, wait & see how you go eh ***xxx*** -
Fallyn said on Mar 19, 2008....
okay.....listen to me.....BREATHE
seriously.
when you feel yourself like this.....step back a moment and breathe.
....
count your breaths......breathe in...count one....breathe out...count 2.....
and so on....till 10....then start over at one.
if you lose track and go past 10...just go back to one......no worries...just go back to one if you get distracted.
promise......if you practice this some it WILL help.
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blackthorn28 said on Mar 19, 2008....
quietone--Thank you :-) I'm glad that this post actually made some sort of sense and explained things well. Sometimes it is hard to really understand something if you've never really experienced it. I will hang in there though. I need to be patient. And I do try to keep my humor as much as I can. It's a good survival tool!
diabolic--Thank you for your support. It really does help just to know that people are listening to me. I'm gonna hang on and hope for the best.
starchini--I think your brain works as fast as mine! But what you said made sense to me, so I think maybe you do get it. Even if no one can ever know exactly how another person feels. I think we're definitely experiencing something similar.
xamount--Yeah, it can be really difficult to cope with sometimes. I've never tried to drill a hole in my head, but I did once try to knock myself unconscious by beating my head against a wall. It didn't work though.
daily--I'm sorry you're having a bad too. But if this post describes what you feel, you should share it with your doc. It might help them with your situation. And the shittiest smelling place is a town with a huge cattle ranch. The stench is HORRIBLE! Second place goes to Gilroy because it smells like garlic.
lionesss--I do have medicine to calm me down, but I try not to take it too much. But I will if it gets to be too much for me. And I do think I just need to wait longer on the other meds because I don't think they've had enough time to work. I was hoping maybe they did, but I guess not. I'll hang in there though. Thanks.
fallyn--I do try to breathe. Especially if I'm actually having a panic attack. But I suppose I need to try and calm myself more often and not let my thoughts get away with me so easily. Thank you for the advice. Let's hope I can remember it when I start to get in freak out mode.
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Fallyn said on Mar 19, 2008....
the trick to breathing actually helping.....is to practice when you aren't in panic mode.
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motherofchicken said on Mar 20, 2008....
black, i have never thought of it this way before, but it's funny i get the sensory overload sometimes...it may be totally different -for you it seems like it's inside, and very anxiety-driven. I get it in busy noisy places, but end result is yeah, not being able to process and feeling your heart pumping. What helps me is actually removing the distractors not necessarily to go to silence - i understand that could be incredibly lonely and scary - but i'll try to get out in nature, enjoy the rustling of leaves, but like *really* enjoy it - focus on those sounds and let myself calm down. It helps me...
And what sucks the most I know is the fact there is no reason for these shifts in 'normalcy' - it's like you say, you wake up one day and not that you want to kill yourself necessarily but you know that normal, good feeling is gone. For no reason at all. I think though, if I may suggest another comparison between myself and you - i can hear all this mad vortex of analyzing, trying to make sense, anticipate, break, understand these shifts in emotional/mental state, and it totally sounds like me. Sometimes I feel like by over-analysing my states i bring on the next one.
Okay, this isn't coming out right. I mean to say - maybe with time you'll be able to feel much better and more even by letting go of the needs to answer certain questions and make explanations. I mean, maybe some things just have no answers. I don't know if this makes any sense...I feel for you tho.
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blackthorn28 said on Mar 21, 2008....
fallyn--You're right. I should practice it when I'm calm.
motherofchicken--What you said made a lot of sense actually. Sometimes the mad vortex of analyzing every last mood and detail does bring on the next shift. It's a vicious cycle! Because I can't seem to stop myself from obsessing about it, and then I get depressed. I do need to let go of the need to know the answers to every single question I have. It makes it worse!
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