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Ego

uniquely-ironic posted on Mar 18, 2008 | views: 102 | Tags: Ego, humility, Pride
This is a little bit different than my usual stuff, but bear with me.
 
Lately I've been struggling with the concept and reality of ego.  Everyone has one.  I'd have to call anyone who tells me that they have no ego a liar.  Some are bigger than others.  Some seem non-existant, but in reality its just an ego of another sort.
 
Part of my dilema is trying to figure out how much ego is healthy.  Expected.  Good for a person.  I really do believe that you must have at least a little ego in order to function in this world.  That's not be confused with arrogance, conceit, entitlement or narcisstic personalities.
 
I seem to come in conflict with others when my idea of what is appropriate ego and theirs is at odds.  I may think I'm perfectly okay to expect a certain level of treatment when someone else believes I've overstepped that line.  Who's right?  Is it a matter of right or wrong, or is it more a matter of associating with people who's levels of ego are similar?  Why does it make me angry when someone insists I acknowledge that their ego is not out of reason and I feel it is?
 
Then there is humility.  In my mind the two are connected.  Shouldn't I be able to put aside my own ego in the interest of keeping peace?  Why does it grate at me when I need to be a little more humble than I'm comfortable with?  Have I been so scarred by my childhood that I am incapable of being humble?
 
All of these thoughts run through my mind like a loop lately.  My dealings with my husband, my boss, my family and complete strangers bring these thoughts to mind almost daily.
 
Does anyone have a theory that might simplify my thoughts?


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Comments

  • Fallen_from_Grace said on Mar 18, 2008....
    1) We encounter problems when we judge others by our measure.  We should no more demand that others conform their lives and views to match ours, then we would want them to demand that we conform our life to their views.

    2) We encounter problems when we derive (or seek to derive) our self-worth from the views and acceptance of others.  If we are comfortable with who we are and what we believe, then does it truly matter if someone we encounter in an airport disagrees with us?  We should lend no greater credence to their belief that we are "a jerk" than we would to a stranger asking us to marry them because of "love at first sight".

    3) Accept other people's view as *their* view (which they have a right to), and consider if they may have a point (if they feel we were rude, were we "really" rude, or was it that their pride was hurt because we didn't defer to them?").  If we were truly wrong (by our own judgment of ourselves) then we need to "make it right" based on what we feel is reasonable (not what they demand from us).  If you feel I was rude and, on review I agree that I was, I may feel an apology is sufficient redress - and your demand that I "buy you a few drinks" to make it up to you is irrelevant.

    My commentary on this matter is found HERE
  • uniquely-ironic said on Mar 18, 2008....
    Fallen - 1) what other yardstick do we truly have to "judge" others by other than our own experience? (demands to conform aside)
    2) total agreement
    3) but if you find yourself not having been rude and the other person insists on having their demands met, is it wrong to not put aside our own ego to preserve peace?
  • Fallen_from_Grace said on Mar 18, 2008....
    Unique:

    1) You are right in saying that only by our own experience can we determine if what they believe is accurate. By judge, I was referring to ascribing "value or worth" to them as a person.  Deciding that they are "beneath you" or that you are "better than them" because they don't see things your way is the problem.  Determining if you believe that their POSITION on a topic has merit is different.

    2) =)

    3) If you choose to do so then there is no problem.  Just realize that you are doing so because *you* value the peace and *not* because you are somehow a slave to their demands.  You do it because it is what you want to do.  Now, if you have to "admit" to something you didn't do...then you are lying.  It is okay to say "I didn't mean to offend you.  I am sorry that your feelings were hurt."  but if you are going to say "I was wrong" (when you really don't think you were) then you are lying.  If you are going to trade Truth for Peace...are you sure that is a good trade?
  • uniquely-ironic said on Mar 18, 2008....
    Fallen - Good dialogue!
     
    1) I agree, using even your own experience to determine whether a persons value is greater or lesser than your own is wrong in my opinion. 
    3) So you draw the line at trading truth for peace?  While in principal I agree, I think many conflicts (great and small) could be averted by uttering insincere words and getting on with your life.  It's a trade off, but at least you harm no other by doing it.
  • Fallen_from_Grace said on Mar 18, 2008....
    Unique - thanks

    3) You are correct - *I* draw the line there - at the point where I feel the value of the truth surrendered exceeds the value of the peace obtained.  Certainly if someone put a gun to my head and asked me if I agreed with them - certainly I would say yes.  Nothing is absolute as a rule, its a *personal* judgement call.

    My stance is that, *you* are making a choice because you value the one over the other.  Whatever you choose, it is important to recognize that you are making the choice based on what you value.  If you are giving in to a tantrum by the other person, then you aren't helping them.

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