I haven't been able to sleep for days now, it seems that sleeplessness is now my true state of being. Does that make me strange? I can operate on nothing, rarely am I really hungry, or thirsty, or sleepy, but I'm always tired. I am always wanting.
I get up every day and do the same things. I "wake", start the coffee, open the kids's room, let the dog out, brush my teeth, change diapers, get a cup of coffee. Then I watch cartoons with my kids, we build a tower, they jump on me, there's general mayhem for a while and then i need a break so I go into the kitchen and turn on my MSN. Sometimes I write for a while, sometimes I just have a smoke and then return to the madness. At 9am every day i make breakfast for the kids. They eat, I drink coffee. On monday, wednesday and Friday we have school time between 9:30 and 11:30 am. On tuesday, Thursday and the weekend it's a free for all. There's generally at least one potty accident on each of these days as my 2 year old likes to take off her diaper and hide from me, and my 3 year old thinks it's funny. Sometimes Owen sneaks into the kitchen when I'm in the bathroom or even when my back is turned and steals writing instruments to draw on the walls with, I now have a fancy new scrub brush so the blisters on my hands can heal, hopefully never to return.
My husband Shaun is a power line man, he builds Power lines. He loves his job, he gets downright excited about it, sometimes I wish he would show that much enthusiasm over me. A lot of days I feel like he dosen't like me. He puts me down with out even trying, maybe I'm just sensitive, but I don't think so. Maybe He's INsensitive?
Shaun is and has been violent, even now I have bruises on my body. No to imply that I am without blame, just last night I lost my cool. Shaun Called me a "whore" which, as it turned out, is my button. I yelled and threw things, I even lashed out physically at him (to no avail). And Now here I am, sore and sorer. I know it was stupid to even consider attacking him, or breaking things but he does it, so, I thought, why can't I? Well...now I know why.
We're supposed to get married in August, I hope things improve again before then, although I guess it's silly to hope that we get to the calm part of the cycle at all. I suppose what I'm hoping for is that the cycle will break itself, I am concerned about Owen's reaction to all this, he saw what happened last night, and today while we were out he told Shaun "Don't call Mommy a bitch", that breaks my heart, he's only 3.
Sadly, this cycle is only more monotony, every year there's this period of Rage, violence and fear, it tends to end when the weather gets warm. Usually after I seperate myself from My love out of fear or nessecity. What would my old friends say about me now? What would my family think if they knew? I was once so strong, I didn't let anyone walk on me. i stood up to my enraged, alcoholic Father and came out ok. I wasn't even really scared. I'm scared of Shaun. But I'm way too proud to back down when I think something's not right. I would make a hell of a lawyer.
I also have a comittment issue, the issue is that once I'm committed I'm REALLY committed. I Believe in standing by the one you love, love is rare...but it shouldn't hurt, not like this. So am I crazy, or am I strong?
Today is a slow day, My In Laws are having a BBQ at their place at 4 and I am in the midst of cleaning my house. There's nothing clean about cleaning except the outcome. I'm a mess, but there's no towels so i have to wait to have a shower. I don't even want to have a shower, I want a BATH, a nice warm luxurious bath so i can get this Kink or whatever it is out of my back. It hurts every time I breathe. I have dishes going and Laundry going and just cleaned the bathroom. I'm putting off cleaning the living room because it just seems futile, the kitchen is in second place for pointless cleaning, the entry is third, bedroom fourth and lastly the Bathroom. notice the Kids's room isn't even on the list? That's because it's a hopeless cause. I swear they wait for me to clean it and then they draw in it or call all the forces of dirt into action and mess it up.
I'm in a state of limbo, to wed or not to wed? that is the question. The violence gets worse every year...what will next year be like? Or the year after? I'm scared.
