I am so tired of feeling guilty like i bring everybody down. just came back from a friend (ok, it's my ex again) who's sick, so i got some groceries for her and brought them over. we got to talking right away about some stupid other conversation when apparently i made someone else feel uncomfortable with my incessant ranting. Of course, this was just code language for having made *her* uncomfortable, except she made it sound like she's just concerned about the other person. Basically, what it comes down to, we have had *this conversation* so many times before. Apparently I am always way too negative that I put people on the defensive. When they start ranting and I start ranting along, apparently i go waaaaay overboard and get really critical and judgmental and negative about other people. I have been hearing this tune for like my whole life. What can I do???????? I go somewhere, I think something, I look at someone - and only negative thoughts come into my mind! Criticism and complaint is the first thing that comes out of my mouth. Apparently I ruin spirits wherever I go, and I am so TIRED of feeling guilty about it.

See, it's not the depression - it's this constant negativity that I am so tired of. I wish I was the kind of person that just sees the good in everything, thinks positive, and brings people around them up. But I'm not! I don't know if I can ever change. I just am super critical. I say few positive things. When people ask me "How are you?" they better be prepared for a tirade. My ex and I used to fight all the time cause she couldn't stand it how critical i am of our shared friends and of people in general. The thing is it's not like I say things others aren't thinking, I guess the difference is I say it. I don't know. I'm not even trying to defend myself, I hate that I'm so negative.

I am so tired of being berated like a little child for making other people uncomfortable. I feel like my friends are embarrassed of me in public cause of how critical I am, probably say to each other "oh, let's not go there...you know how she hates that place" They even say it in front of me. I hate it. I'm embarrassed of myself and feel guilty but also offended that I'm being treated like a nasty person and some perpetual hater. I do hate a lot of things though. I don't know how not to. It's how I am. I feel like I should avoid human company completely because all I bring is negativity and criticism.