There were so many things that happened in those seven years. His inability to say "I love you." The lack of time to get to know each other. The fact that we saw life completely differently. He was a very dark character. Saw the world full of gloom and doom. I saw a world of possiblities. Things I wanted, needed, must achieve!
After the first year, I gave up on hearing those words. He didn't know what love was. He just couldn't explain how he felt about me. I stopped worrying about the fantasy woman they might show up any day and wisk him away.
I began working and supporting the six of us. T&C had split up and both had moved away. We attempted to move with C. once but that didn't work out and we returned defeated. Feeling really stuck in our life.
I worked for an inventory company. The hours were unpredictable but I worked everything they would give me. Some weeks I would work 30 hours and another week close to 90. I would come home and my house would be filled with his gaming friends. The children in their room playing with toys. Sometimes, they would have eaten and nothing would be left but, I would see bowls for one of his friends.
The children would cry for me. They weren't use to me being gone. I had spent everyday with them up until this job. Then, he would tell me he needed a break. He wanted to go play a live action RPG in a different state. Meet up with our friends. We both couldn't go. One of us had to stay with the kids. This became his regular thing. Instead of us doing something together it was all about having money so that he could get away from us.
I would come home; eat, sleep, play with kids, and go to bed. He would come and tuck me in but, very rarely did he crawl into bed with me anymore.
One day before work, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up an alarm clock. I was going straight to work afterwards. I hopped into my van and got ready to back out when I saw someone come around the back of the van. I thought they were getting into the car next to me. So, I waited for him to get through. I looked at the clock wondering if would really wake me up. I had been so tired lately. The window was down and the air was hot. The van didn't have any air conditioning. My clothes were sticky and I couldn't wait to get to work to cool off.
I put the clock down on the passenger seat and grabbed the gear shifter. I felt the pain in my nose and mouth. I wasn't sure of what just happened.
Then the door opened and I was shoved over. His hand on my head as I knelt down between the front seats. We were moving and I didn't know where we were going. I focused on the turns but we were making so many every few seconds. I couldn't keep up with it. Then he stopped the van and pushed me towards the back.
I had an old conversion van with shades on the windows. Easily drawn closed. He had drove to the back of the Wal-Mart. I was stripped down and flipped onto my stomach. He slammed my head into the metal bracket that held the drink table. I stayed down. I didn't even attempt to fight him. I could smell the sourness of his breath and it made me nauseas.
Afterwards, I got myself together and went to work. Just pretend nothing happened. I didn't have it in me to say the truth. I couldn't stay there though. I couldn't keep it together so I went home.
He knew immediately something was wrong. I told him some guy punched me and I didn't remember much of anything else. I didn't have the words to say it. He was gentle and loving but his words cut like a knife. He said something about not wanting to have sex with me because I might have a disease.
I shut him out. Turned off what I felt for him. I would never look him in the eyes again. I would never tell him what really happened that day. I was raped and it was anal penetration. The first time for me actually. I bit into the seat of the van trying not to scream.
I got up from his lap where is hands had caressed me while his words sliced me opened. It was over that day.
Two of his friends approached me later and asked me what happened. I told them. I told them every last gory detail and they held me when I cried. S. and D. were both there when the X left for his weekend trip. S. didn't stay long. D. stayed and talked to me into the wee hours of the morning. Then D. kissed me and I kissed him back. I realized what I had done and made him leave.
But, I later told C. that I had cheated on the X. I knew she would tell him. I wanted her to tell him. I wanted to hurt him more than he had hurt me. I used her. I betrayed that friendship.
I later sat on my bed with a .22 in my mouth. Contemplating life and death. If I stayed, I was going to die. The relationship had already hit a place I couldn't take anymore. All the things I thought I had forgiven him for became so raw for me again. I decided to save myself.
Don't get me wrong. We had some good times in our relationship. It wasn't all bad. These are just some of the things that I carry the scars from. The breaking points for me. I did and said things to him that were harsh and cruel. Especially at the end. I wanted him to hate me. I wanted to kill any chance of us reconciling and going back to that life. I was afraid I would buckle and run back to him. That in ten years, I would be sitting on that bed with the .22 in my mouth and the reasons that stopped me then would no longer be valid.
