We moved in together...well not really! We just all slept in the same house, the same structure. There was too many roommates to count at times. But, there was the constants. The ones that were there from beginning to end.

 

I had grown to love some of the people in the house. We spent 24 hours a day together. None of us worked and we were barely getting by. For some reason we were content with that until our needs were being denied. Food was a big issue. I had to eat. My dad would bring me cans of soup and they would get stolen out of the apartment. I had to lock the door to keep them safe.

I shared with those who cared for me, they took care of me and I tried to take care of them. There was only one other female living in the house with me. At first, I was uncomfortable with her. She had a history with my X. She seemed closer to him than I was ever going to get. But, I think that holds true to him. I was closer to her than I would ever allow myself to be with the X. She saw a very real side of me. The one that was silly and playful.

The house we moved into was in a rough neighborhood. After being cooped up in the house for awhile we decided to walk somewhere. I don't remember where anymore. But, it was agreed that if we got approached we would simply hold hands. Sorry guys, we are totally not into men.

A couple of weeks before I had my daughter. My X and T. (who later bacame the X's best friend) decided they needed a road trip. So, they headed off to KC to see the X of T. Which hurt the girl that was staying at the house because her and T. had been involved. I tried to get the X to understand that I didn't want him to go but, that was worthless. He went anyway. He came home with a 25 cent ring from a little machine and gave it to me. I still have it and I wore it all the time we were together. Even when it turned my finger green.

 

Our first child was born a healthy baby girl. She was 5lb. and 4 oz. Absolutely Perfect! I had two people in the delivery room. The girl from the house and the mother of the X's best friend. The X didn't want to see the birth and he never went into the delivery room with any of the other children.

Our relationship solidified. We were happy to have this little girl. I realized that I loved this man. Even if he couldn't say he loved me back. We became a family just not the family I dreamed of. I thought at some point he would whisper "I love you" in my ear. I waited seven years and those words never fell from his mouth.

They say actions speak louder than words anyway. I convinced myself that I didn't need those words. I could see he loved me with how he touched me. Gentle and loving. But, it ate at me that he couldn't admit that I had his heart.