Goodbye to you has been much, much longer than it should have been. Interesting phrase, 'should have'...maybe there's not really a rule book on this. You know I started seeing someone new around Christmas. He was lovely...and he loves me. He did so many things of the things you never did that I couldn't even put a finger on needing. But, alas, he was a rebound. I ended things with him last week, mostly because I knew you wanted me to. Well, and I don't love him. And it was getting to the point of being unfair to him. I was doing really well with cutoff contact with you. But then, just before I had that door completely closed, you slipped in again. And now we've been 'talking'. Actually this means I've been hurting. All the old stuff of feeling not good enough, unwanted, the least important of your priorities...and constantly chasing your rejection...this has all returned. And I'm sad again. You are still playing games and doing the bare minimum to keep me hanging on without actually giving anything. I get nothing from this situation. I get nothing from you. I need to gather my strength again and end it. I can't text you. I can't ring you. I 'shouldn't' want to....but I do. So therefore it has to be pure willpower. How many months later and I can't let you go? But you ARE gone. You're not here. And why am I waiting and feeling miserable for someone that still isn't sure? Maybe we'll meet up in June? Great...and then what? I'm still me. And worse...you're still you. I tell you I've been working out a lot and you say...great, I'll look a lot better thinner. For fucks sake. You still admit no responsibility for everything that was and continued to go so wrong...so seriously what is it that I think will change? Will you change? How can you if you think you were in the right? I've made the effort, I'm trying to progress and improve...all for you. But this is not going to work. I don't know what else to change or how else to be better, to be different? So it must come down to you.... And the dynamic's the same. I give it all and you offer nothing. I am not wasting my time anymore on someone that has already rejected me, on someone that is STILL not sure if he wants to be with me, on someone that makes me feel undesirable, on someone who is not a good, kind person. This hurts because I wanted it to be you. I can see our home, our children and all the happy times we would have together because you 'get' me and I 'get' you. But that's not real. What is real is that you are cruel to me and leaving me in limbo. What is true is that you left me. What I know is that you are not going to change and even if by same crazy happening we were given a second chance, it would be the worse thing I ever did. It's not right. I love you and this has been the hardest lesson I've ever had. I guess this is growing up.