I don't know. I don't suggest that people who are feeling good and positive read this, becasue i am just going to lay it all out. I actually love being depressed. I don't, I honestly don't want to get better. i am super sad my relationship came to an end, but now that I am alone I don't have to feel guilty about indulging uncontrollably in my depression. I am not hurting anyone. Well, friends, family, but it's not like the constant guilt of hurting your better half with constant pangs of drama and self-deprecation, long depressive streaks, and overwhelming general negativity towards everything in life. Basically I've been told I am way too negative, about any small happening or any person, I rush to pronounce the critical judgments like it's fresh baked croissants.
Oh well. Suck it. Now I can just borrow and feel dark and negative all the time, and if people don't like it - go to hell. Honestly, I am so tired of feeling guilty, for withholding my depression and negativity and pessimism. I mean, what's so good about life? What's so great about it, what's really worth waking up in the morning for? The grass and the ocean - those are about the only things that give me joy. If I can call that slightly elevated emotion joy.
I don't care if I ever have sex again, I don't care about going out, having 'fun'. I am young still, but I just don't care about those things. I don't feel suicidal right now. I think it's as good as it gets for me. I feel flatline down. Not rockbottom down, just flatline depressed and negative, but fully functional in daily life. Things don't move me much. I go about doing my tasks, pursue my goals, but I feel pretty empty about them. I don't feel excited about them. They are arbitrary. Someone was telling me today how they need to feel ecstatic about something in their life and they worry if they have too many days when they feel a lack of that. Ha! Most of my days I don't feel ecstatic about anything!
I mean is that true? Do most people feel happy or/and content most days? Am I crazy because I don't? Is this really all there is for me? I mean even if others feel happy most days, it doesn't even mean that I could, but at least it proves it's possible! Do I have hope for anything more?
I don't even want to get started on love. I don't believe in it at all. AT ALL. I have heard so many different people talk about it. Some claim they feel it, some claim it's still there "after all these years". I feel like I've never felt that. I feel like I've never felt that 'in-love' feeling. If i did, ever, I don't remember it and it certainly was gone in the last couple of years in my now ruined relationship. Oh I loved and still love my ex. But that thing people talk about? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. And maybe it's just a crock of shit. Maybe I'm just too pragmatic or maybe it's too complex an emotion for me. But I don't feel numb otherwise? I feel deep, and raw and edgy, in some ways, just in really negative, dark and pessimistic ways.
Hell.
motherofchicken posted on Mar 16, 2008
| views: 164
Comments
-
Lucytorial said on Mar 16, 2008....
The acidic pathos is like a raw nerve, I like it. However I don't think you sound depressed?? hey if your on meds I know for certain that meds make you feel flat line, not up or down just flat... could be.... could be but then you don't need to give a fuck if you're truly happy where you are..
Hey are you creative???
-
Lucytorial said on Mar 16, 2008....
BTW I don't mean to sound narky which as I read I do... I'm sometimes blunt.. -
motherofchicken said on Mar 16, 2008....
Hehe, lucy, no worries. No need to sound anything but your snarky self - just kidding. Honesty is always actually mostly appreciated :)
I am actually NOT on meds - I know about their flatline - quality, but only secondhand, never from actual experience. I mean, it's all twisted because I am not 'happy' where I am, I am down. It's intense and it's negative. But actually, it's fine. I don't crave to get better, whatever that is.
I am sporadically creative yes - I've been thinking of posting some of my sketches. I have a few poems too...they might start springing up too at times...
thanks for the shoutout.
-
Lucytorial said on Mar 16, 2008....
Always willing to SCREAM HELLO to someone... te ehehee creative people tend to have a very harsh inner voice and how do I know this?? I live with one, he suffers constant bouts of negativity and depression and likes it there sometimes because it gives him ideas or something.... Though liking being flat lined is a little strange I am gathering that you are a little strange so hey, you like it as long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else lets jump into the pool of pathos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
evil_twin said on Mar 17, 2008....
I can understand this a little. Although I don't think I'd ever be satisfied with feeling a flatline low. There is something to be said for that all consuming despair that I sometimes feel, because it seems like there is something to be gained from it. Perspective maybe? But I always prefer to feel happy instead. But not a flatline happy either.
I'm a little different I think because my moods are extreme. Very rarely do I ever just feel blah, or just feel content. I'm either ready to die or conquer the world. There is very little in between for me. And the prospect of feeling only one emotion, good or bad, without an extreme, really freaks me out.
But I suppose that if you are okay to live like this and don't want more for yourself, that's your choice. But part of you does sound like you do want something more, and just don't believe you can have it. I think everyone is just different. Some people get excited over stupid things, and other people are completely emotionless. Neither reaction is wrong, it's just different.
-
motherofchicken said on Mar 17, 2008....
evil twin, you are right that part of me is totally not ok. Of course! Who wants a flatline emoitonal life. But I guess my range of emotions is - flaatline low (default), extreme low (when i want to die) and slightly elevated flatline (where I wouldn't say I'm so much 'content' as coping, able to smile even, laugh) But honestly the last time I remember feeling on top of the world and ecstatic was about 2 years ago!....so it's really not a frequent event and I am just tired I guess of idolizing that 'high' and spend my life chasing it or waiting for it. Becuase maybe i am different and just incapable of feelilng that (and I don't know if I believe that, but it makes me sad to think). hence the rhetorical question of is there any more for me to look forward to out there or is this state - one where i can manage life, not kill myself and sometimes smile - is all i can ever hope for and is as good as it gets. Sigh...
Comment on "Is there more than this?"
Related Posts:
breakingmysilence
posted 6 days ago
| views: 68
|
4 months ago, I was sexually assaulted by a cop in my home. He was arrested two weeks ago and he may have to serve time in jail. My life has suffered terribly ever since. My bad memories, from my childhood abuses, are replaying themselves again and again... read entire post
JessJess8x
posted about 21 hours ago
| views: 9
|
Hi. My name is Jess. I'm twenty, and I live in Minnesota. I have a part time job which I will soon lose because of the economy.I have a wonderful boyfriend who I've been with for over two years. We're getting married some day. The only ... read entire post