Well since everyone knows who I am now, I wondered if there was still a reason for me to keep this blog. But I decided that there was. Different people read this, for different reasons. And I'd really like to just keep this as a place for me to talk about my mental damage, without inflicting it on people who don't care to read it. I assume that if you're subscribed to this particular blog, it means you're interested, or you can relate, or you just like me and want to see how I'm doing with this.
But either way, this will be where I'll talk about the majority of my therapy/mental issues related crap. And evil_twin is where I'll talk about the good and funny life stuff. Sound like a deal? Okay then. Let's get started.
I'm feeling good right now. Really good. It's one of those high happy times and I'm enjoying it quite a lot. For however long it's going to last. I can't really imagine it not lasting because I feel so good. But history proves that it can be over in the blink of an eye, so I'm just gonna enjoy it as much as I can. I got a shitload of stuff done yesterday that I've been putting off forever. I'd been too depressed and low energy to even consider tackling anything more ambitious than reading blogs and watching TV.
But yesterday I woke up early feeling awesome. I had my coffee, surfed around SC, wrote a pointless blog about soup, and then I logged off. I was not chained to my computer for once! It was nice. I actually cleaned the house, worked on laundry, organized my desk, and did our taxes. That was a great accomplishment. I had so much shit on my desk that I had unopened bills from December floating around there.
Don't worry though. I pay everything online so the bills weren't actually unpaid, but I never bothered to look at the statements. But it was good news when I decided to, because two of my credit cards were almost paid off! I had no idea. That made me happy. And with the tax refund money, I could pay them off entirely and then some. I was stoked.
Anyway, that's not the point of this blog. The point is, I'm happy right now. And I'm going to try and hold onto it for as long as I can. Which leads me to my secondary point and why I wrote this here at Blackthorn instead of evil_twin. I have decided to bite the bullet and go back on anti-depressants.
I know, I know. I was so adamant against that. And part of me still is. I'm worried about feeling zombie like and empty inside. Or losing my sex drive. I mean, I'm a newlywed! I can't lose my sex drive. That would suck way too much. So I have some fears about it, for sure. But I also have fears that I'm never going to get well enough to lead a normal life. Or even a semi-normal life. I seriously doubt anyone would ever classify me as entirely normal, no matter how happy I was.
But I really started thinking that after this last episode of suicidal thinking, I HAD to do something more. I think I've been doing a bang up job of controlling this illness for the most part. I'm still standing. And the writing I've done here has helped me immensely. It really has. But it wasn't quite enough. I started to really open my eyes and notice how my depression was affecting the people who loved me. I was hurting them too.
Even when I thought I had everything under control, I could see how precarious the situation was. And how helpless people felt when I'd go off the deep end. And when my suicidal thoughts make my wife cry and be terrified to leave me alone, I realized just how selfish I really was. I was thinking only of myself and my own fears, and not thinking of her at all. That sucks. And I'm sorry about that. Because she's not the only one I scared more than once. And I knew it was time for me to do more.
If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But at least I can say with honesty that I tried EVERYTHING. I'm not doing this just for her or my family or my friends. I'm doing it for me too. I want to be happy. But I won't lie and say that other people aren't my main motivators. If it was just me I had to worry about, like most of my life, I might not be doing this. But my life is not the same as it was before. I have someone who is relying on me to take care of things and take care of her. And I can't do that if I'm unable to function.
So I went to my doctor on Thursday and I told her I was ready. Sort of. I had been taking a huge dose of Lexapro several years ago, and I felt like a shell of a person. I had no emotions at all. I didn't get sad, but I never was happy either. I was robotic. I was like a machine. If something great happened, maybe I'd smile. But not always. If something terrible happened, the most reaction you'd get out of me was, "wow, that sucks." I had no emotional spectrum at all.
And frankly, I preferred to feel the extreme highs and lows, rather than live like that. Especially because I really did not care about anything back then. I don't even know if I could have fallen in love with anyone, because that was an emotion that was too complex for me to feel. I didn't even care about sex. I was a 25 year old man who pretty much didn't care if he ever got laid again. That sucks.
Of course, it didn't matter that much then since I was single and had no woman anyway. It might have made those lonely nights more bearable since I didn't really care what I was missing. But that's not me now. And I really don't ever want to feel that way again at all. I want to feel love and desire and happiness and all of those emotions that I feel so strongly now. Maybe even more strongly than the average person. But that's what makes me feel alive. And I can't lose that.
So I explained all of that to my therapist and she agreed with me that this was not a desired outcome. And she also told me that the 40mg dosage I was taking before was way too much. Most people I guess max out at 20mg. I was taking twice that. And in the interest of caution, she started me out at 10mg instead. So far, so good. It's only been a few days so it's not like I can really tell if it's going to do anything. Good or bad.
I feel awesome now, but I don't think it's because of the medication. I think it's just a natural progression of my cycles. But I guess the test will be how long this lasts and if the pills help me from falling into the pit of despair again in a few weeks. We'll see. I have high hopes that this will be the extra little boost I need to get better. But I also know it's not a cure all either.
I think that with an illness like this, the most important tool of recovery and survival is self reflection and a little mind over matter. You really have to dig deep and do some soul searching, and discover your coping mechanisms and your triggers. And you have to try and retrain your thinking and not rely solely on a pill (or a stack of pills) to fix you. It can't be done. You have to really WANT to get better inside your soul, or else nothing will help.
And I want to get better. I think I've done a lot to make that happen, but my brain is just wired differently. I lose some of my progress when things go wrong. And I'm just hoping that maybe this low dose of help will keep me more evenly keeled and prevent me from crashing too hard. And if I do crash, I hope it will keep me from losing my mind entirely and be able to lift myself back out again more easily.
I'll keep my fingers crossed. Right now I'm very optimistic. But like I said before, I'm in the happy place right now. I think everything is awesome and doable and nothing can stop me. We'll see how I feel in a few weeks. Or a few days. There's no telling what will happen and when. But today, I'm ready for anything.
blackthorn28 posted on Mar 16, 2008
| views: 512
Comments
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quietone said on Mar 16, 2008....
good for you is all I can say.. at least you are trying to do something positive. Hold these thoughts and come back and read this post often. I think that will help too. -
Mr_Box said on Mar 16, 2008....
I think it's good you're giving this a shot. I know it's a little scary for you since you had a bad experience before.But I think this will be different. It's a much smaller dose right? So it probably won't make you feel like a zombie.I'm proud of you. I think you've come an incredibly long way from where you were before. You made big changes in yourself, without actually changing the person you are.I think it's amazing. I wish you success with this. I feel like good things are on the horizon for you. -
JoyousLoving said on Mar 16, 2008....
Hey there, I've been missing this week but have finallly caught up to you. I want to tell you that I really admire the way you are dealing with this and how you've come to the point where you can share this with us. I'm not bi-polar, my younger sister is. But I was diagnosed with chronic depression when I was around eight but I've only been taking anti-depressants for about 13 years now.
I've tried five different ones because as you probably know, each works differently for different people. I've been on 20 mg of Lexapro for around three or four years. It has helped me so much with my depression. I was surprised to see that you were on 40 because that is not recommended at all. In fact 20 is the highest that is supposed to be prescribed. More than likely with half the dose you won't feel like a zombie or have the other side effects such as loss of sex drive but you will have the benefits.
One of the reasons I prefer the Lexapro is the minimal side effects and the fact that it is an anti-anxiety as well. I have major problems with being nervous and anxious that I hide really well. Jon doesn't even grasp the extent of my anxiety and how hard it is to control it. It's hard for people without the issue to fully comprehend how it can take over your life.
Anyway, that's enough chatter from me lol. You deserve to be happy and I think it's wonderful that you are taking the matter into your own hands to make that happen.
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nursecutie said on Mar 16, 2008....
I am so happy that you are taking this step :) I really do think you will feel better and that alot of things will get easier for you. It might not be a cure like you said, but it probably will help.
40mg isn't completely unheard of if someone is really really bad off. But it is not typical and wouldn't usually be done on a long term basis. You were probably not monitored properly before and that is why you had such a terrible time with it. I think that what you are doing now is safer and will have a much better outcome.
I am very proud of you! And even if I don't think of you as having been selfish before, it was very hard to watch this happen to you.......I didn't know what to do to help. It's scary and sad, because I just want you to feel good and be happy.
I am optimistic too!! It will work :) You'll see......
xxoo natalie xxoo
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Mamie said on Mar 16, 2008....
yes! You take one step towards "life" and it responds with four steps back atcha!! Good luck and keep me posted. I am rootin for you !!!! mamie -
gingersoul said on Mar 16, 2008....
BT-ET...i send you all my best wishes....you have to do whatever you feel right for you to do...
I hope this happiness will last as long as possible.......good luck on anything...you deserve any joy from life...
Psst.....your day seems a lot like mine....cleaning the mess around, doing my taxes ( and i am very happy too because i am going to have a nice refund), organizing my papers...
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blackthorn28 said on Mar 16, 2008....
quietone--Thank you :-) I will try and come back to this post and remember what I said if everything should change drastically.
Mr. Box--I hope you're right about the good things on the horizon. I'm ready for some good stuff. It's been so long since I've felt good for any length of time, I'm not sure what it even feels like anymore. But I'm hoping I'll get to find out. Thanks for sticking by me through all of this.
Joyous--I'm glad you found me here :-) I was 8 years old the first time I had a panic attack, so I can relate to your situation too. I have severe anxiety myself and that's just one of my problems. But I am hopeful that the Lexapro will help this time without making me feel horrible. I was surprised to find out that 40mg was a crazy dosage because I had no idea. I just took what my old doctor told me to take. But I don't think they knew what they were doing. Either that, or they assumed I needed extra because I have a high tolerance due to abusing medications in the past. I'm not sure. But I think this sounds like a much more reasonable dose. Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me.
Cutie--Even if you didn't think it was selfish, it really was. I was living in my own little bubble of misery and I wasn't taking into consideration how you felt. My only solution was to hide away from you during the bad moments. But that actually made you feel worse. So I don't want to do that anymore. I'm very positive today. I hope the good feelings last :-) Thank you for not giving up on me.....
mamie--I will keep you posted! I hope I have good things to report or else I might be too disappointed to say anything.....
ginger--Thank you :-) I appreciate your good thoughts. And doesn't it feel good to finally tackle all those tedious chores? And tax refunds are always good!
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lionesss said on Mar 16, 2008....
I myself suffer with b/line personnality disorder, i aslo have epilepsy, so the combination of my medication is for my illness has took some time to get right, at 1 point i became so low i was self harming that bad i was put in hospital for my own saftey, my seizures are not controlled very well due to the in balance of trial & error for b/line p disorder,,but what im trying to say is iv been given alot of tablet for that some even made me worse ,some better but keep seeing the same dr, keep them to a minium i would love to go through the day without takin any tablets,dont fall into the trap that i did & get addictted to some as they are not easy to come off,it was a abusive childhood that caused my illness & grief that started my epilepsy, be happy let your family support you talk to them your lucky i didnt have that,dont keep everything in it only makes things worse.. it did for me now im taking 17/20 tablets a day just to function,,
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blackthorn28 said on Mar 16, 2008....
lionesss--I'm sorry you've had such a tough time of things and are taking so many different medications. That sounds like a lot. Right now I'm only taking two things regularly, and I have Xanax for when my anxiety gets to be too much. But I already have a history of addiction so that's why I am leery of taking anything at all. I know how hard it is to come off them. I hope you can get your symptoms under control someday without all of those pills.... -
crybabylu said on Mar 16, 2008....
When I read where you typed 40 mg, I wanted to look up your doctor and beat the ##%& out of him/her. The great thing about Lexapro is the lower doses. and it helps me with anxiety, and that is easier on my husband.
Perhaps you won't have any sexual side-effects this time, of course, if you are over medicated, that would be affected, and believe me, you were over-medicated.
I don't know, I must have a strong drive, because I was never affected by any medication where I lost the desire, but I do think there were a couple of things I was on, I was over-enhanced by the medication.
I think you did great by going asking for anti-depressants. I have gone without and I have taken them, and I know I am much better with them.
Maybe those who have mild depression can do well without them, and they just behave moody at times, but those who struggle with suicidal thoughts need the medication, I think. The trick is finding the right medication.
That is why you need to be very self aware and write down any changes in mental attitude, etc. Do you keep a journal? That would really help to keep track of thoughts and fluctuations etc.
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motherofchicken said on Mar 16, 2008....
blackthorn, i'm so glad to hear you're feeling well...i feel terrible terrible for being so selfish but i'll miss dark blackthorn...sorry! but really, I'm so glad that you are being optimistic and selfless and doing something - hope the drugs work out too. i'm sure the motivation of being a newlywed helps and being considerate to your wife's feelings is so important. I am just sorry i never did it for mine. the sad part is, i am so selfish if i could go back i still wouldn't do it. -
ninjapirate said on Mar 16, 2008....
I had no idea this was you. I've mostly been lurking for a long time now and I guess I just missed this. I'll admit I was very surprised, but I'm kind of in the same boat. I started taking meds too, although like you said you had a bad experience before, I did too. I took Zoloft and felt numb and it was so fake, but I only gave it a few weeks at most. However, I finally decided to try it again, so I've been on Celexa for about a month now. The side effects were horrible, my sex drive is way down still but not as bad as before, it still sucks though, but I think the rest are over and it's kind of helping now. I kind of hate my pills actually, I hate that I have to take them to feel good, but I hope one day I can go off of them, that's my goal. I sure hope you keep us informed and that this will help you a lot! You're not alone! -
Carlar95 said on Mar 16, 2008....
Hi Blackthorn,I am glad you feel so good. Keep well. Wish you the best. I have been following your posts!Carla -
pickersplock said on Mar 17, 2008....
Bravo ET! You've taken the most important step!I'm proud of you! -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 17, 2008....
crybaby--I guess if all those years ago I had a place like SC to vent and a nurse for a wife, I would have had someone tell me that 40mg was way too much! But I didn't know. I was just doing what I was told to do. I'm glad I know differently now. As to keeping a journal about all this, you're looking at it! This is where I'm keeping track of everything.
motherofchicken--You know, I really do understand what you mean. And while I am very optimistic, anything can happen. I'm not saying I hope I'll get depressed again so I can write about it, but this is the 50 thousandth time in my life that I've said, "I think I'm better!" and I always end up right where I started. So we'll see. I'm hoping for the best though because I'm tired of the rollercoaster.
ninja--Yes this me. And it sounds like we have similar feelings about all this. I really don't like medication, but I'm willing to give this one more shot. I hate needing it too, and it took me a long time to admit I did. I really thought I could do this on my own, but I guess I wasn't doing it as good as I thought.
carlar--Thank you :-)
pickers--Thank you :-) It was a hard step for me, but I'll keep my fingers crossed!
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hinana said on Mar 17, 2008....
good luck =)i have a friend i dont see too often who has bi-polar..during a pageant we were both in, she did a speech on her experiences, and shes come to deal with it well..but you have me wondering more about her now..i think shes doing good though. shes a happy person, genuinely happy.but yeah..good luck -
blackthorn28 said on Mar 17, 2008....
hinana--Thanks for the wishes of good luck :-) On my good days, I'm a really happy person too. It's just staying that way that's hard sometimes. But I'm hoping for the best this time... -
Fire-flower said on Apr 28, 2008....
You are so right when you say you have to 'want to get better'. I battled depression for years, and then one day it occurred to me - I didn't want to get better, because I had a very good excuse to sit on the sideline of life -'I'm depressed'. It seems so obvious and simple - but it came as a massive revelation. Wanting to get better made me get better. If I could do it (after a lifetime of severe depression I have not had a single depressive episode in nearly 5 years) then anyone can. My grandmother's illness terrifies me though - I'm so worried I'll slip back down that dark hole again. Thank-you for sharing
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