In my last post here, I said I was done caring what the world thought of me. But of course, I've said that before and never actually meant it. Or at least, I wanted to mean it, but I suck on the follow through. This time I wanted it to be a little different though. I didn't want it to be an empty statement that I'd forget two seconds later. I was tired of worrying all the time what people thought of me. Especially if they knew the real me. The me that I like to keep hidden because it's just better for everyone that way.
But yesterday, I followed through on my promise to myself. I wasn't going to hide the truth about myself anymore. And if anyone didn't like it or they couldn't handle it or if they thought different of me because of it, then I wasn't going to care. Of course, I was still worried about it because I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry needlessly over everything. But I was prepared for whatever would happen. I put myself out there and expected the worst, so at least if it came true, I wouldn't be surprised.
It wasn't so scary after all though. That was a relief. It turns out that the only person at this website who expected me to be perfect was me. I figured as much. No one else is perfect, so why should they expect me to be? And furthermore, I always said upfront that I was crazy, so I have no idea why I ever thought people would be surprised by anything I said.
I guess that's just another one of those mysteries of me. I can't figure it out either so no one else should really bother trying. It'll just make your head spin. I really don't want to make a huge deal about this, but I did want to thank everyone for being so nice and for being so supportive of me. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about right now, you can follow that link up there if you want. And if you don't want to, feel free to skip this post entirely because it won't make sense.
Anyway, I feel lucky that I've found a place where I can truly be myself and it's okay. And not just here at SC, but in my life too. It may have taken me longer than a lot of people to actually come to a point where I didn't feel the need to pretend I was something I wasn't. But I'm finally there. And I've actually found that the closeness you can feel with someone is so much more intense if you're actually honest with them about who it is they're getting close to.
I've always hated fake people, which probably is a huge reason why I hated myself too. I always tried so hard to be the person I wanted people to think I was, but it turns out that most people I've come across, actually like the real person I am better, and not the facade. Who knew? Certainly not me. But I've learned a lot about myself recently. I'm sure I'll forget everything I learned soon enough. But for now, I guess I'm just going to feel happy about it and pat myself on the back for this meager personal accomplishment.
Thanks again to all my friends here for putting up with me and for reading my posts. Even the ones that probably don't make too much sense. Maybe like this one? I try to do better next time. Anyway, thanks.
evil_twin posted on Mar 13, 2008
| views: 451
Comments
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botoni said on Mar 13, 2008....
ET!....You made yourself vulnerable and in so doing allowed us to see another aspect of you. As far as I m concerned you only made yourself more likeable by revealing more of who you really are. -
beyondtheveil said on Mar 13, 2008....
ET- Our faults form our personality alongside our good traits. Its the same with everyone. Its best not to fear your faults or someone finding out about them. Truth be known, knowing someone's faults usually results in bringing people closer together. -
silverwhisper said on Mar 13, 2008....
dude, read very carefully what botoni just said. b/c he's absolutely right. there's a reason people read you, kyle, and it's that you're you. and we like that. :>
having said that: was i the only person who wasn't reading that user ID?!
ed -
uniquely-ironic said on Mar 13, 2008....
The real you is so much more interesting than the you that you think people want to know. All of us at some point have tried to do and be what others expect them to be. The lucky ones of us figure out that the person we really are is not only easier on us but more interesting to others.short version: you're cool! -
MissMimi said on Mar 13, 2008....
No, Ed, I wasn't either. :(
I'm glad you felt safe enough to open up like that. When you talk about it, it seems less scary and overwhelming. {{{{{e_t}}}}}}
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wombat said on Mar 13, 2008....
I said what I wanted to say on the linked post--and just want to say along with uniquely-ironic that you are cool! This opening up is just another aspect of who you are ----and you know you are adored here by so many. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Mar 13, 2008....
<sarcasm> How could you.... </sarcasm>
But now you've got me thinking(always a dangerous thing)... I was wondering how many of us think we're perfect in here. A few candidates come to mind, but I don't think they should be taken seriously. :)
Heck, I'm surprised that people take me seriously at all...
Many have already said what I would have said, so I'll be brief with this one.
Ya big goof! :D
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crybabylu said on Mar 13, 2008....
I'm glad you have found a new freedom, of letting us see the more "real "you, it gives you a new depth that all of us can appreciate. -
quietone said on Mar 13, 2008....
the biggest fear we usually have is "fear" itself. You have crossed one huge hurdle e.t.~ It is very freeing isn't it!! -
pickersplock said on Mar 13, 2008....
Aww, you worry too much! -
evil_twin said on Mar 13, 2008....
botoni--Thank you :-) Believe me, I had no idea that anyone would like me more because of this. I assumed the opposite. But I guess I was really wrong. It's not the first time though. I'm usually wrong about everything!
beyond--I think I've finally learned this lesson. It's about time. And it really does bring people closer if they can be open and honest about themselves, faults and all.
silver--Thank you :-) I don't think you were the only one not reading it, but I was surprised you weren't! Only because you seem to read everyone. I must have snuck past you.
uniquely--I guess you're right. I'm not sure what made me think I knew exactly what everyone else in the world would like, but I just assumed it couldn't possibly be me or anything I had to offer. I was wrong. Thanks for saying I'm cool though :-)
Mimi--It feels much better to get it all out in the open. It wasn't scary at all really. But a few months ago, I never could have done this. I changed a lot, I guess. Thank you for the hugs.
wombat--Thank you :-) I guess I just worried that people only liked the fun person and wouldn't like the other part of me....
Grape--I was a bit of a coward. But see, that's one of my quirks too. I assume everyone hates me all the time. I'm trying to get over that! I think I'm getting better now...
crybaby--Thanks. It does feel better to get it all out there.
quietone--It is freeing! It feels a lot better and now I don't have to worry so much about someone figuring all this stuff out on their own.
pickers--Yes, I do worry too much. I'm trying not to, but I worry I can't do it ;-)
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crybabylu said on Mar 13, 2008....
I was just reading pickers comment about you worrying too much, now isn't that a true statement? With me, if I am not worrying about something, I worry that I forgotten something important that is going to come up and smack me in the head! The only actual time I am not worrying is when I am manic. When my high is so high that the world looks cheery and I don't have a care in the world, and I can even float on air~ -
tbs230 said on Mar 13, 2008....
hi! I don't care if you have six screen names. I'm just glad you let us share in your life. No matter what's going on. -
travelr712 said on Mar 13, 2008....
ya know et, when i came back here last november, i presented myself as considerate and nurturing and sweet and kind, and i really did want to be all those things. but i found that people really didn't like me as much as i thought they would being like that. so after a few choice events in my life, both here and irl, i gave up wanting to be those things and went back to being my old direct, snarky, curmudgeonly self, and people seemed to like me a whole lot better. so i understand what you're saying. if you present yourself as the person you really are, you may not have the popularity you once had, but the people who like you will be genuine about it. -
Lucytorial said on Mar 13, 2008....
EvilT... you're still a silly goose! Botoni is 100% correct!
@ trav, you think we like you more as a snarky, curmudgeon but maybe we don't!
Maybe some of us know you aren't really like that.... mmwwaaa hahaha
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No_Laughing_Matter said on Mar 13, 2008....
Kyle,
I haven't been here long, but there is one thing I am certain of. I love reading everything you have to say. I can tell you are a real person, so don't ever doubt that. Everyone here cares what you have to say, and we will all be supportive no matter what. I have plenty of struggles in my life, and if you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to ask. I am always here to listen. No matter what. It takes strength to open up they way you have. I respect that.
NLM -
travelr712 said on Mar 13, 2008....
well lucy, measured against you i'm a saint! thpthpthp! -
evil_twin said on Mar 13, 2008....
crybaby--Yeah, worrying is one of my biggest issues. I worry about everything! But that's never been much of a secret here though. But yeah, if you're feeling pretty high and untouchable, there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. And that's why it feels so good, even if it's really not.
tbs--Thank you :-)
trav--I've never presented myself here as anything other than my true self. But I hid a lot. I thought if I was here, I needed to be happy and funny and entertaining. I didn't think people would like to know I was a basket case. So I just pretended I was cool. But I'm not sure anyone bought that anyway considering I'm afraid of spiders and wind and a hypochondriac! So I'm guessing some of these revelations are very unsurprising to most people who read me. But I always worry anyway.
lucy--Thank you :-) I guess I can live with being a silly goose!
NLM--Thank you. I really appreciate your support and your offer to listen to me. I've been here at this website for quite awhile and most of that time, I only had fun things to tell people. And I guess I just got very stuck in that mindset and worried that all my depressive stuff would not be well received. But I'm glad to see that people are willing to accept that sometimes I'm miserable for no reason. Really miserable. But today is a good day :-)
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Lucytorial said on Mar 13, 2008....
Kyle, single facet people do not exist, just because we don't see those sides of people here doesn't mean they don't have different facets of who they are, your willingness to share them is to be applauded, the vulnerability it takes to open up about certain aspects of ourselves is a wonderful thing to do.
Nats a real lucky girl by the way to have someone so willing to be kookie and themselves and to talk about it all... psstt alot of guys don't like to feel vulnerable let alone show they are.
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motherofchicken said on Mar 13, 2008....
Evil twin, I just wanted to say for simply selfish purposes that I totally knew this was indeed your alter ego!...from the other alter ego of the real ego ... what? :) Anyway, I can't appreciate fully the momentous feeling of the disclosure because I haven't been here that long, though I am sure it is momentous for you - and I think it probably marks a new era for you?...It feels that way anyway, so i wanted to say congratulations. But yes, I found evil-twin almost right away since I reincarnated here and it was the second most interesting person's thoughts I wanted to read! :) Go figure. -
Mr_Box said on Mar 13, 2008....
I'm still proud of you. I know that a couple of months ago, you didn't want anyone to know this. Even me. But you can't really hide this stuff that well. And you don't have to.I've never seen you be anyone here except yourself. Even when you're being funny Kyle, you're still you. Your personality shines through.And people like that. And did you notice that when you were writing really depressing stuff, people still liked that too.Not that they were laughing about it, but you moved them. You said things they could relate to. You helped people. Just like you always do.So even if you try to be something else, it won't work. Because you're you. And that's a pretty cool person to be so why fight it? -
minniemouse said on Mar 13, 2008....
Kyle....thank you for "understanding"..... :-) {{{hugs}}} Minnie -
travelr712 said on Mar 13, 2008....
et - what? you worry? :-) -
Mamie said on Mar 13, 2008....
Amen, alla 'dat! Job well done, my friend, go high five yourself!! Mamie -
nursecutie said on Mar 13, 2008....
I'm just so happy that you aren't worried anymore what people would think. I kept trying to tell you it wasn't something bad! But I know that you had to do this slowly and privately first so that you could see what people you knew would say first......then it kept getting easier didn't it? I am so proud of you :) I love you!!! Weird things, sad things, silly things and all!
xxoo natalie xxoo
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evil_twin said on Mar 13, 2008....
Lucy--Thank you. I guess that a lot of people don't want to show themselves as being that vulnerable, especially guys. Which is why I always feel like an oddball. But this is just how I am and I guess it's actually a good thing huh?
motherofchicken--For some reason, I assumed you did have a good guess who I was, even if you didn't actually know me. I think that's incredibly cool that both of my blogs were the ones you liked, before you knew they were written by the same person! That's flattering. Thank you :-)
Mr. Box--I suppose I didn't really fool anyone into thinking I was all cool and calm about life. I never have been and I suspect I never will be. Thank you for what you said. I guess it is true....
Minnie--No problem. Any time you need some understanding, you let me know.
trav--I know, big shocker. Kyle worries! You might wanna call the papers....
mamie--I tried to high five myself, but I felt kind of stupid, so I'll just say thanks ;-)
cutie--You're just awesome...I love you. And yes it kept getting easier every time I told someone. Now it's not so bad at all :-)
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polarheart said on Mar 14, 2008....
Twinny, as you've discovered a huge truth. Good for you!Polar x -
destinydiva said on Mar 14, 2008....
WHAT PEOPLE MAY THINK
Some people cower
and wince and shrink,
owing to fear of
what people may think.
There is one answer
to worries like these:
people may think
what the devil they please. :-)
kyle anyone who is perfect desperatly needs
to clean out their closet! the real you is a great guy
and that shines through in all of your posts :-) xx -
evil_twin said on Mar 14, 2008....
polar--Thank you :-)
destiny--That was a cool little poem. Thank you for what you said :-)
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destinydiva said on Mar 14, 2008....
kyle, it is one by Piet Hein mr river introduced me to his poetry and I am hooked!! :-) xx -
queenparanoia said on Mar 15, 2008....
dude just stop rambling and making sure everybody likes you. just be you!!!!!!!!!! besides theres a special lady who loves you for who you are (helo natalie) so sto stressing!!!!!!!!!!!!! =) -
evil_twin said on Mar 16, 2008....
destiny--I'll have to check out that poet. Thanks :-)
queen--There's a little more to this story than just me worrying if people like me. But it's not important. I'm okay now. But this was about the fact that I had another blog and was worried what everyone would think of it, because it showed a different side to me.
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