The last few days have been a little difficult. I have been full of doubt, of sadness, almost despair, that i cannot help Master know what i want. In the true sense of a D/s relationship, many may say that what i want is not important in the bigger scheme of things, that master is the lord, that Master will decide what is best.Sorry to disappoint..... i am in this as much to fulfill myself, as i am in it to please my Master. Well i shouldn't say Master..... for a while at least, you see, i had to ask that we take a step back, i am not ready to be owned. I am still totally committed, but circumstances and past history leave me with trust issues, and you will know that trust is such a big part of what this is.
So i have asked my Master to take a step back, slow down, know the other me, the me that will make or break this for us, the me that is begging for acceptance, the broken me. Master, or Sir as i call him now, is probably a little confused or worried, or thinking what the hell?... but listened to what i had to say, i can only hope he truly heard.
I know that in my soul i am a true submissive, however, it is not something i give lightly or on the spur of the moment. I cannot or do not expect Sir to be something he is not, or to change what he is, i only know that if this does not feel right i can't do it. There is much i understand about Sir, his dedication to his work, that his work keeps him busy, that time with me is important, but with our work and my family schedules cannot always be on the day we want it to be, none of this is all that important. If i only see him once a week, once a fortnight, once a month that is of little importance. I want him to acknowledge that this is as much about me as it is about him. Now Sir is very good at saying the right thing, telling me how i am adored, how he loves my submission, how he wants no other ( hahaha except when he wants to share). I need to feel these words, talk is cheap!! However.... i have surprised myself by being very clear, stating my case, telling Sir that it needs to be a certain way, ( past history is a big factor) so i can submit without fear. So we have negotiated, filled in checklists, sourced internet documents for myself and him (with many thanks to my SoulCast friends) and i am so so happy that we have a better starting point. I am not ready to have a full time Master, but am very ready to have a dominant Sir, to push my boundaries, to feed the dirty slut in me, to help me find the real me, to not judge who i am, only what i can become.
I have not seen Sir for two weeks, but tomorrow we will celebrate our checklist, he is very surprised that there are many things i will have a go at to please him even if its not my cup of tea, and the definite NO answers are probably what a lot of people wouldn't think twice about doing, ( it's the past history again) but i am happy to have been able to sort it. So tomorrow we are celebrating with piss. We have done this once before, but i was tied so tight i could not move and was blindfolded and could not see, but this time i will look Sir in the eye while his hot piss pours on me, i want to see his proud look as i kneel before him with no restraint to do as he asks. Better than champagne.
I am so excited, this is my first try at crossing a boundary, i want Sir to be proud, i know he will be. No matter ... i am proud of myself for committing to do this for him. Not as humiliation, not as punishment, but because i am ready to sumbit, because i want that hot piss pouring on me. Because in my soul i am a dirty slut who needs that more than i need love.