In the last day, I've written about three different blogs, and then I deleted them without publishing them. Or finishing them. One of them didn't seem worth writing because it was boring. It was boring to me, and it was my life, so I assumed no one else needed to read it.
And the other one, I lost my train of thought and I couldn't remember where I was going with it. I think it was going to be good, but who knows? It's gone now. And the last one I wrote, I was mad at something, and about halfway through, I decided I felt better, so there was no need to even submit it. Sometimes just the act of writing out the anger solves the problem. No one else needs to see it.
But of course that just leaves me writing this blog. A blog about how I can't think of what to blog about. That's lame. I assume that if I really have nothing to say, I should just not feel obligated to say anything. But my mind is busy and there are all sorts of thoughts in there, just waiting to come out.
But I can't seem to organize them into anything coherent. So I keep hoping that if I just start typing, everything will begin to flow. So let's give it a shot....my apologies if this doesn't make sense, because I'm really just letting my fingers type the first thing that comes to my mind and I'm going to let the universe decide what this blog is about.
I've been a little down lately. Not for any particular reason though. It's just one of those things. And when I feel like that, I'm always really big on trying to see the signs all around me. Signs that might give me some sort of comfort or peace. Or maybe answers to questions I'm not even asking, but still need to know about.
Yesterday, we took a walk around our neighborhood. It was such a nice day and I was sick of being cooped up inside. So we went on a journey. And I was feeling introspective and hoping to see a sign of something along the way. And what I came across was a crow standing in the middle of the road eating a dead squirrel. Yuck. I wasn't sure what it meant, but it felt poignant. Then the crow looked at me as if to say, "if you just lay down and die, you're gonna get eaten."
And no, I'm not really crazy enough to believe the crow actually spoke to me. But I do believe that you have to take this stuff in and figure out what it means for yourself. There are all sorts of lessons to be learned from nature. At least, I think so. So indulge me this quirk.
Then I had a dream that was really weird too. And it was about animals, as well. I dreamt I was in this building made of glass. It was like the Monterrey Bay aquarium, except the building was actually built in the middle of the ocean. WE were inside the aquarium, and the fish and animals were just swimming around us in their natural habitat.
I was enjoying it at first because it was just so awesome. But then the ocean seemed to get angry and the water was churning up a lot and splashing against the glass. I thought I saw two dolphins swimming, and I told Natalie to look at them. She loves dolphins. But they ended up being walruses instead. Really big ones. And they were angry looking.
The next thing I realized, they had opened the doors on this glass building and were sliding across the floor coming after us. I panicked, and I ran up these stairs to a place that I thought was safer. Natalie refused to follow me. She stayed down by the doors, but the walruses just passed right by her. They were after me. They couldn't make it up the stairs though, so I felt safe for a moment. At least until a polar bear charged through the door and immediately ran up the stairs to where I was.
It snarled at me and bit my hand, and I could feel the teeth digging into my flesh. But I didn't fight back. I just said to myself, "well, I guess this is how it ends...." And then I woke up. It was unsettling, to say the least. But I saw a common theme in the dream, as well as the sign I got from the crow.
If I just throw my hands up and give up on life, I'm going to get eaten. And it'll be my fault, because I figured I can't win the fight of life, so why even try? I give up too easily. When things get rough in my life, I don't stand up and tackle it. I just shrink back into my little shell and hope everything will work itself out without any effort on my part.
Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. It really depends on what it is I'm hiding from. And lately, I've been hiding from myself. The big problem in my life is me. And since that's a problem that isn't easily faced and corrected, it's pretty easy to just throw your hands up and say, "fuck it, I'm just gonna crawl away and hide."
I'm not like everyone else in the world. Not that everyone else is the same, and I'm this lone wolf who doesn't fit in. But I am different. I see things differently, I react to things differently. I'm a dreamer. I'm a romantic. And I live my life trying to keep everyone around me happy. Even at my own expense. I don't like conflicts and fighting. I get upset easily over stupid things. I'm neurotic. I'm obsessive.
I know all of these things, and I'm quick to point them out before someone else can. Because I always figure if I say it first, it disarms anyone who might use it against me. But it doesn't always work that way. Because if you refer back to the previous paragraph, I get upset easily over stupid things.
And I keep feeling like all of these things are something I should be embarrassed of. Or try to change. But lately I've just been wondering why? Why do I have to change who I am? So other people are more comfortable? I always say that I care too much what other people think, but in this case, I don't care. This is who I am. I don't want to change. And I'm getting tired of thinking I need to.
So what if people don't understand me? I don't understand them either. I guess that's the beauty of life, because none of us are the same. But I've been lucky enough to find a select group of people in this scary world, who do understand me. I have friends and family and a wife who loves me. The rest of the world can go to hell. Seriously. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of caring.
I'm content to just live in my own little world, even if other people think I'm stupid. Why do they care anyway? If they think I'm stupid, then they shouldn't even bother to think of me at all. Unless they're just as obsessive as me, which means we aren't so different, so why are they giving me shit for flaws they have themselves?
This little bit of introspection was prompted by a lot of things and people in my life. I've had issues with people at work, strangers, people here, etc. And it's been a lifelong struggle for me to fit in no matter where I go, or who I'm with. When I'm with new people, I pretend a lot to be someone much cooler than I really am. But sometimes a person gets tired of pretending. And what's the point of pretending anyway? So that people you don't even like, will like you more? That doesn't even make sense.
So I guess I'm just going to continue to be me. Here, there, and everywhere. And if someone thinks I suck and I'm annoying, then my response is simply, "same to you, fucker." And since the consensus amongst people like that is that they don't care what people think of them, that shouldn't bother them at all. Shitty people always seem to take pride in being shitty, so to them, that's like a compliment.
In closing, yes, I'm weird. I'm often annoying. I'm tiresome. I'm crazy. I'm quirky. And sometimes I make no sense at all. But that's me. And the rest of the world can either accept that or kiss my ass. Because I'm done trying to please everyone all the time. And I don't want to lay down and get eaten in life either. So I won't do that anymore. Because if I refuse to give up on myself, and just embrace that I'm an oddity in this world, then no one can touch me.
I'm gonna try that out for awhile and see how it goes....but knowing me, it won't work. Did I happen to mention that I'm also a pessimist? Yeah....well, I guess that's something else I need to work on.
*sigh*
evil_twin posted on Mar 10, 2008
| views: 513
Comments
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uniquely-ironic said on Mar 10, 2008....
That's a whole lot of deep thougts ET.I think it's true that if you just lay down and quit that the world will grind you up and eat you. I see examples of that daily. People who have given up hope and settled for what little they were able to get. It makes me sad.I think you have a lot to offer the world. It may prove difficult to make the world see that some times, but I have to believe it's worth it. You also have a wonderful wife and family that I'm sure agree with me and are an awesome support system.So ..... flip the bird AT the bird and tell him he won't be dining on your bones any time soon. ;) -
killingme4u said on Mar 10, 2008....
wow.and i thought my head was busy.this was interesting. :) thanks for sharing that.cool. well,see you somewhere i guess.... :>) -
wombat said on Mar 10, 2008....
That was some dream! And interpretation! I like your way of thinking, especially toward the end there about accepting being different.(just embrace that I'm an oddity in this world, then no one can touch me. )
I've been doing just that! (Oh wait--I meant about ME, not you! Ha..) -
the_infernal_optimist said on Mar 10, 2008....
Did I hear "pessimist" over there? Hang out with me long enough and I might start to rub off on ya. ;-)
I think it's great that you're at the point where you just want to be you, and damn the critics. That's a good thing, even if it's hard. You're a good guy, and you deserve to hold your head high and look at people straight on, with everything you are, and know that you are more than good enough just the way you are.
~Infernal
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Me-Myself&I said on Mar 10, 2008....
I like you just the way you are! Don't change a thing....in yourself or your writings. *smile*
I, myself have a very busy mind, so i keep my hands as busy as my mind.
You have a good day now. *smile* OK ~see ya
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crybabylu said on Mar 10, 2008....
"I'm not like everyone else in the world. Not that everyone else is the same, and I'm this lone wolf who doesn't fit in. But I am different. I see things differently, I react to things differently. I'm a dreamer. I'm a romantic. And I live my life trying to keep everyone around me happy. Even at my own expense. I don't like conflicts and fighting. I get upset easily over stupid things. I'm neurotic. I'm obsessive.
I know all of these things, and I'm quick to point them out before someone else can. Because I always figure if I say it first, it disarms anyone who might use it against me. But it doesn't always work that way. Because if you refer back to the previous paragraph, I get upset easily over stupid things.
And I keep feeling like all of these things are something I should be embarrassed of. Or try to change. But lately I've just been wondering why? Why do I have to change who I am? So other people are more comfortable? I always say that I care too much what other people think, but in this case, I don't care. This is who I am. I don't want to change. And I'm getting tired of thinking I need to.
So what if people don't understand me? I don't understand them either. I guess that's the beauty of life, because none of us are the same. But I've been lucky enough to find a select group of people in this scary world, who do understand me. I have friends and family and a wife who loves me. The rest of the world can go to hell. Seriously. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of caring"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That much of your blog post was like I wrote it....You reached right inside my head and pulled it out!
The problem is I DO CARE.....Isn't that the CRAPPY part of it all?
I blame that one on my mother.....Always saying... "What will the neighbors think?" So many times I wanted to tell her "Who cares what the neighbors think?"
Then she had another one such as...."Why when my kids do something...It ends up on the front page of the Newspaper?"
And more times than not, it did....We never could hide a thing...
But, I tell you one thing, when I have days i feel the way you do today or did yesterday....I'm gonna come over to your blog and re-read it, and say, Umm...I 'm not the only one who feels this way!....Thanks for sharing!
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evil_twin said on Mar 10, 2008....
uniquely--Thank you. I'm trying not to give up, because there are so many awesome things in my life. And I just let the little things get the best of me sometimes. But from now on, I'm just gonna flip those predatory birds off and be happy with who I am :-)
killingme4u--Yeah, it's amazing how busy my mind is. No wonder I hardly ever sleep...
wombat--It's nice to know someone can relate and also embrace their own oddities. Why be normal right? That's boring!
Infernal--Yes, I'm a pessimist. I should sign up with a new name and be your exact opposite. I'll be The_Eternal_Pessimist. How does that sound? :-P But thank you for what you said. I'm trying to embrace my weirdness instead of worrying what other people think of it.
Me-Myself--Thank you. At least I'm not the only one with a busy mind! I just have to keep it occupied all the time so I don't go crazy.
Crybaby--I'm glad someone else could relate to this. I say I don't care, but really that's my way of trying to convince myself it's true. It's hard to do! But I'm trying.
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quietone said on Mar 10, 2008....
kyle, I am so glad to hear you are going to continue to be you, cause if you became someone else, I may not know who you are, that would be awful! and of course you care, I know you know you know you care~! haha :) -
evil_twin said on Mar 10, 2008....
quietone--Thanks :-) There's no sense in trying to be anyone other than me, huh? But sometimes it might be easier. But for now, I'll just stay like this. Weirdness and all. -
secretlife said on Mar 10, 2008....
it's pretty obvious that you care...and i don't think there's a blessed thing wrong with that. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Mar 10, 2008....
One of your best blogs to date.
There's a lot in there, so I'll just comment on just a few aspects of it that I found striking.
It takes a certain amount of courage to accept things not only to yourself, but to everyone else so openly. To me, it's an admirable, drawing aspect of many bloggers, including yourself.
Letting your "fingers" do the talking... Expressing the spontaneity of the moment... You've captured it beautifully in its description. The dream, too. So vivid.. I dreamt it. Got goosebumps reading about that damn polar bear.
As to feeling different, you may be a minority in the population, but you're certainly not alone. This struck a deep chord of resonance in me because it's something I can most certainly understand... Very much like your conclusion, it's a far better thing to just let it all go.
Remember, quoth Princess Leia: "The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers."(Very Tao, btw). :D
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silverwhisper said on Mar 10, 2008....
kyle, this may be my very favorite blog by you in a long, long time--or indeed, perhaps of all time. at the end of the day: you're who you are. if someone doesn't like it, they can piss off.
the fact is: you're a good guy, kyle. everyone with a pair of neurons to rub together can plainly see that. you're honest and sincere--and IMX, those are generally the people who fare well here.
ed -
Mr_Box said on Mar 10, 2008....
I, for one, think you're cool just the way you are. But then again, I'm biased. You have always been different than a lot of people. You're a lot different than me, that's for sure.But which one of us is the normal one? I think we're both weird, just in different ways.Everyone is weird. Even the people who think they're 'normal' are most likely delusional about that fact, therefore, they're crazy too.But I think if you asked 50 people to define what they thought normal was to them, you'd get 50 different answers. So it's all relative.And being an individual who stands up for who he is and what he believes, is a lot more admirable than a person who blindly follows a pack and does what they think the rest of the world will find acceptable.You are unique and that's good. Because I suspect that's the reason why a lot of people like you. Sure, some of them don't. No one can please everyone. But everywhere you go, more people like you than not.That must mean something. So don't be so hard on yourself anymore. Just be you.And always remember that anyone out there in the world who doesn't like who you are, the chances are, you wouldn't like them either. So no great loss, right? -
CreativeWoman said on Mar 10, 2008....
I have always liked you from the first time I read one of your posts. I've never once thought anything negative about you. There is a sense of sincerity in you that is often rare in people today. I think that is refreshing.
There are lots of times that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere either. That's one of my quirks too. We all have them. I, too, have to remind myself not to try so hard to please everyone but me.
You're great just as you are. Let the butt wipes of the world sit on it and spin, I say. :-)
CW
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allswell said on Mar 10, 2008....
Kyle...I see so much of myself in you, matter of fact when you were describing yourself it sounded like you were describing me! I hope you can keep the attitude that is doesn't matter what everyone else says....I just wish i had your courage because i am one of those people that wants to just hide and hope things work out. There are so many times i just want to give up on life, my kids are the only reason for me to keep going so i am thankfull for them.
And just for the record, I think your a wonderfull person who i admire and i am incouraged by you, your life with Natalie how perfect y'all are together, and that one day i'll have that too....so cheer up Kyle your too good of a person to let anyone or anything get you down!
{{Hugs}}
alls:)
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nursecutie said on Mar 10, 2008....
I don't think you're weird at all :) Of course though everyone has always described me as offbeat and strange, so maybe I just didn't notice? LOL I don't obsess the way you do, or analyze my personality over and over.....but I do get this, Kyle.
Because lots of times I do stop and think and wonder why certain people don't like me. But I also refuse to let that take over all my thoughts because I usually don't really like them either. It still is upsetting sometimes, but that's when I just focus on the people who DO like me :)
I think that your dream and the crow thing is something you worry about. That you are often taken advantage of because you usually do not speak up for yourself and you just let things upset you quietly......but I don't see you that way or think that you are going to be eaten by life. So hopefully you will stop seeing yourself that way too.......
You know I love you :) Always! Weirdness and all. After all you put up with me and all the strange things that come with that too......LOL
{{{hugs}}}
xxoo natalie xxoo
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evil_twin said on Mar 10, 2008....
secretlife--I'm just trying not to care as much about things and people that I shouldn't give a second thought to...
Grape--Thank you. Sometimes the most meaningful things that I write, at least to me, are the ones I just let flow out of me. I'm glad that I'm not alone, and that I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes. And I do think the best thing is to just live in my little world and let the rest just go.
Silver--Thank you very much. I even had second thoughts putting this blog up because I wasn't sure it made sense. But you and Grape really liked it! I'm glad that there are people in the world who still appreciate a good guy once in awhile.
Mr. Box--You do bring up a really good point. No one's definition of normal is the same. But I think there are some universal ideas on normality, and I just don't fit. But who cares right? I suppose there is something to be said for being unique. And I've got that covered! Even if you are biased, thanks :-)
CW--Thank you :-) I think you are also very sincere and a lot like me. So I guess you can relate. I think that the butt wipes of the world should sit and spin too :-P
alls--I know how it feels to want to hide. And believe me, I still do it. I don't want to though. This is like a pep talk for me so I can recognize what I'm doing and maybe fix certain things. But I'm not going to try and fix MYSELF. Not anymore. Because I am who I am, and even if certain things can use a little improvement, I can't really expect an entire personality transplant either. You're a good person too, and don't forget that :-) Thank you.
cutie--We have always said that we're both two misfits that no one understands....so I guess that means we were made for each other! And that's good, because I was beginning to think that there was no one made for me. And you proved that theory wrong :-) I know I think too much. That's my curse. But I am going to be focusing a lot more on the people who actually matter, and forget the rest. I love you always too..... -
Lucytorial said on Mar 11, 2008....
I swear to god I have not read everyones responses.. I always do that after I have commented...
What the hell do you expect us to think with a name like Evil_Twin??? huh?? man like you're normal and boring or something...
Sure... SUUUURE
So uhmm I am not a dream expert so your on your own there.. but hey man don't please anyone but yourself and those you really want to please like Natalie.. (ahem).. at least you know for SURE she will appreciate it!
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polarheart said on Mar 11, 2008....
Twinny, you may find THIS strange, but it feels like what you wrote I could have written about myself. . .exactly. And it is so weird for me that there is actually another person like me in this world. I do exactly the same thing and tell people ahead of time that I'm obsessive and that I lack in so many areas. I would rather forewarn them so that they aren't disappointed later.I think its this need to "control" my environment and people. . .and you're right, we just CANT do it.And I REALLY cant understand when some people "look up" to me in some way, because I spend most my life feeling like I'm just holding on by the skin of my teeth.Oh, anyway, I think you get the idea. So, just so you know, you're not alone. But me, I would still like to change. My BIGGEST desire is to become more relaxed about everything. . .I dont WANT to make everything into big issues. I have overcome some things over the years, but it is still a battle for me.Sorry this is so long.Polar x -
Lucytorial said on Mar 11, 2008....
polar and evil_twin are weirdos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
polarheart said on Mar 11, 2008....
:p @ Lucy! -
minniemouse said on Mar 11, 2008....
I'm late to the party as always.....I think more people understand you than you think Kyle, I just don't think everyone is as brave as you and willing to say these things out loud. Deep down most of us here are insecure on some level and we waste so much of our time trying to hide how we really are. Its really stupid wasting energy hiding ourselves....I don't know why we do it....I adjust "who I am" based on who I'm with....I do this too much. Hardly anyone knows the "real" me....probably not even me anymore. Well, I guess my point is, you're not alone..... :-) Lisa
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pickersplock said on Mar 11, 2008....
I think you just need a vacation. We all do! Even I've been a little gloomy, myself.Let's all meet in the Bahamas, a week from today!Come on everyone, start booking your flights! -
evil_twin said on Mar 11, 2008....
Lucy--My stupid screen name....I picked that on a whim assuming this place would suck and I'd be gone in a week. I should have picked better! But yeah, I never claimed to be normal, that's for sure. And I'm going to concentrate on pleasing only the people who matter from now on.
Polar--It's nice to see other people relate to this crazy rambling post. And I would like to change certain things about the way I am, but so far, I've had no luck. I think some things are just ingrained into who you are as a person and they can't be changed. Not without becoming someone else. I can tell myself over and over to not obsess about things, but then I obsess about NOT obsessing! So I give up :-P
minnie--I spent a lot of my life pretending I was confident and secure, but I'm not sure how many people I've managed to fool along the way. In the end, it's just easier to be upfront about who I am, and hope someone in the world can handle it. Because I've found that if you meet people under false pretenses, you better be prepared to act for the rest of your life, or else eventually parts of your true self will show through anyway. And why not just let them see that straight off, so they can decide if they actually like the real you?
pickers--The Bahamas sound perfect! I'll see ya there :-)
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Zayda said on Mar 11, 2008....
e_t: What I've always liked about you and your posts is that you are who you are and you express who you are honestly. Don't change that. And as long as you are happy with yourself and who you are and Natalie is happy, then nothing else really matters. It's nice to see you back and posting. :) -
hinana said on Mar 11, 2008....
"im normal. everyone else is wierd." -
evil_twin said on Mar 11, 2008....
zayda--Thank you :-) I think it's impossible for me to really express myself any other way except honestly. Most of the time I'm happy with myself, so I guess nothing else does matter.
hinana--That's a good saying.
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xamount said on Mar 13, 2008....
people don't get me either. i'm losing my job because someone has railroaded me because i'm "crazy". i'm not pleased about it.~*~ x ~*~ -
evil_twin said on Mar 13, 2008....
xamount--That really sucks about your job. I'm sorry. -
queenparanoia said on Mar 15, 2008....
okay dont be mad but i'm going to be honest with you. your post md my head hurt. i guess it's too much for me too handle. lol....who cares what other people think. just be you kyle!!!!!! =) that's what matter.... -
evil_twin said on Mar 16, 2008....
queen--I'm sorry the post hurt your head. But this is just how I am. If it hurts you to read it, think of how I feel because I live it! :-P
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