My daughter is lactose intolerant. She's always had a problem with milk products, but she loves them. So keeping her away from them is hard. And she's okay to have small amounts of milk related foods, but the key word is small.
The other night, unbeknownst to me, she decided she should drink two enormous glasses of milk. Someone at school told her that if she didn't want to be a hunchback like one of the teachers at school, she better drink lots of milk.
It was a nice little public service announcement/piece of schoolyard torment. But unfortunately she just can't drink milk. But she did anyway. And the next thing I realize there are barfing sounds in the hallway.
Lovely. Why can't kids ever make it into the bathroom huh? Puke is not something I'm good with either. It makes me want to toss my cookies too. Especially when it's sour milk chunks.
I almost feel as if I need to burn that part of the hallway down now because I'm not sure we'll ever get the stench out completely. But we tried. We have a carpet cleaner for this very purpose. Plus we have a cat too who is fond of hucking up furballs all over the place.
Anyhow, I tried to explain to my daughter that she can't drink regular milk. She needs special milk. But she swears it doesn't taste the same, and won't drink it. So we don't buy it anymore.
I told her she was lactose intolerant and she said I was wrong. She was very tolerant of it. But then she just asked me what lactose was. I love that I can laugh while cleaning up vomit.
But apparently my daughter just never learns. If there was a food or drink that made me throw up every time I had it, I wouldn't want it anymore. Would you? And no, booze doesn't count.
I can hold my liquor. Most of the time. Okay, so I'm slightly hypocritical because I have thrown up from drinking and then gone out the next night and done it again. But we're not talking about me. We're talking about my daughter and her fixation on dairy products.
We do not let her eat ice cream, unless it's a small portion. And she can't have milkshakes at all. It's just too much. But her grandma (my wife's mother and the one who bought her the cell phone) does not listen to that warning. Or anything at all for that matter.
She had this habit of taking Harper out for the day, and buying her a milkshake. Every damn time they went anywhere. And then she'd bring her home, where she would promptly throw up.
Spending time with her grandma makes me queasy too, but that was ridiculous. I used to get so mad. At both of them really. Because Harper is old enough to know what she can and can't have too.
The best thing happened a few months ago though. Harper got her milkshake. But instead of coming home to get sick, she threw up in the backseat of grandma's car. Poetic justice. It was karma at it's finest. I was happy.
Sure I felt bad that my daughter was sick, but at least she taught grandma a lesson this time. It's not as much fun to defy our orders when she has to deal with the consequences of it.
Grandma hasn't bought her a milkshake since. She learned. But Harper still hasn't. And I'm guessing I'm going to need to lock up the milk from now on.
Hopefully dairy products are her worst vice in life...
Sorry this post was big on gross out factor for the squeamish. But if you have kids, you understand. And if you don't have kids yet, someday you'll understand. And if you're not sure you want kids, this might have made up your mind to get a goldfish instead.
