I always pretty much follow every rule in the book about love.
I am always passionate with the one that I love.

I follow my heart when I love....but not after I have thought about it, too....I always do this "check and balance" thing in both--my thoughts and in my heart...

I am the kind of person who can fall in love easily....both with my heart and also just with my mind...but will have one hundred percent self-control about it...so even when i ache inside, or am just dying inside---you will never know...cause I will never tell you---when i know it is wrong.

When it is right...you will know how much you mean to me...because I will do everything, for you to see, my love...my heart I will put in the palm of your hand, I will bare my soul...I will fight for you...no matter how much it will hurt me...no matter how much it will make me look ridiculous...inane...foolish...even martyred..

This is just my way of showing...you mean the world to me.

In addition, there are two things that crack my head to figure: "Will you love the one you love?...or will you love the one, who loves you?"

Aeons and eons of human struggle for search of truth about love...
So many tried their hands in writing something about it...figuring it..analyzing it...but still, no one really found the secret -- to love...and its mysteries..

No one has yet come up with a book, a map, or something -- on the conciseness of "how to love"...or a guarantee---to perfect bliss and happiness to loving someone...
There's always..going to be something...along the way...even when you know you're doing what is right.

I have been scarred the first time, I gave in to my heart (and also my mind)...I have loved and lost...and when I was finally over him -- he comes back, and stirs the blackness, the abyss-of-painful-letting go memories...with him---I chose, "to love the one who loves you".
In the end...after being everything for him -- to being his first love and mine, too...I had to face the dreadful moment of losing him -- over his insecurities, over his imperfectness...and also some strange things...

I couldn't see myself loving again...and I couldn't see myself loving - again - another man.
A part of me was brutally, painfully torn away..the once sweet and innocent sense, has turned into a sticky, tar of nothingness and sorrow...where I cannot get off...where I cannot free myself from falling, and sticking to this tar..left with nothing but feelings of helplessness---where all control is beyond me---after all the fight i have put up in battle---to win and save this once unbreakable, solid love..

Years i fought to keep on living...striving to pull myself together, to lift myself from my devastation..not ever knowing if my heart will ever heal...
So I tried to live again, to love again...
Nothing compares.
So, I let go, again...lived alone...wandering the hallways...staring at walls while I lay my fragile self to bed...I hate being fragile. i hate being broken. I hate feeling unsure. I hate stepping on cold dark waters...afraid of what might be there---where my limiting sight cannot reach..

I acknowledge, my brokenness...I succumb to my weakness...to defeat. I raise and wave my white flag declaring---I am weak. I am broken. I am lost. I am crying. I am afraid--to love...and if that were so---I am afraid to live...there, I hide inside myself....not knowing, how to exactly do that again...not knowing, how to live again...I bathe in the pool of self-pity, and I wallow in my pain....

I mourned...and no matter how I tried to manage a smile...the windows to my soul gave me away..

(Where exactly is this going?..."I am here to blog...I am here to blog..."--a mantra, that I say over and over again, to myself...I don't want any pity, or any instant cure, instant advice...i just want to write this down, because right now, I have no-one to talk to but myself.)

Today, I woke up with a happy heart...no worries...happy to have bonded with a person, who I know is my baby sister -- all my life.

Shared our views, plans, and heartaches about our own realities, our own families, and the what ifs, and friendships...dined out, shared laughters...then, drove her home, eleven kilometers away from the city to my parent's house...with the heavy rain falling on my windshield...and frightfully watching the lightnings scatter in the vast emptiness of space with eyes-wide like a little child's....

Happily, I contacted the person that I love, and share my life at present...upon waking up...

I met him years ago...at the age I never thought I'd settle down...for I am an independent rebel, and marriage is the last thing on my mind---and I didn't want to have boyfriends either...but it happened, without very long engagement..

This man, that I now share my life with...? I can't really say, what I chose -- if, its loving the one you love...or loving the one, who loves you...it all happened too fast, I guess...years passed, and here I am now, finding myself at the beginning.

You are the enigma of my life----with you I find the ironies of life.
I cannot live with you. And at the same time, I cannot live without you.
Again, I bared my soul---in all fear that, one day...my love, might again be betrayed.

Here I am now...bearing my soul to you....and you do not see me....
I am tired, my love.

Once again...i find myself at the beginning....not because I do not love you...but because of this world you created for yourself....you are inside that orb of yours---where your thoughts are just yours----and there's nothing that I can say, or do really matters---for you think you know me...but you do not.

You are chasing the shadows of your own thoughts..
You are chasing the shadows of your own guilt...
You are chasing the shadows of your own past...
You are chasing the shadows of your own fears...
You are chasing the shadows of your own weaknesses..
And you are chasing the shadows of your own, little black heart.

I am baring my soul to you my love...but you do not see me.

You are afraid inside, and choose to make this world, where you are King, and your subjects dance to your tune...

I am here, because I chose to love you, and to be with you...not knowing whoever loved the other more...

I bare my soul to you, my love...but you do not see it.

You think, I do not see through your pains...
You let no one in...
Your pains inside, consume you...and you lash out on yourself and hold on to your breath...pretending not to care...

But I see you, my love...you keep your soul guarded...but I see your pains.
How can you think, I do not? Because you do not see mine? Or you refuse to see mine? Making yourself numb with all these pain is making you cold as stone..inside.

When I am happy, you are sad...because you do not see, I am happy because of you.
How cruel life has been to you....that we suffer a lot when you're not true..


You have me, to love you..

I am here to see you..

See me, see my heart, my soul..loving you. =(