i think a lof of you know about what i went through with my ex.
the one i was with for 10 years.
and how i went through psychological hell.
i took down the posts about it cause i felt too exposed.
too vulnerable.
well, at the end of that relationship.......we weren't "technically" together anymore, but we were still sleeping together.
and living in the same room.....sleeping in the same bed. etc.
so basically it was just like it was before.....except he could see other people.
well, i was still attached to him.
and still trying to prove to him that i was worthy of being cared about...etc.
the things that stretch on and on....and are the hardest parts to break out of in a long term seriously abusive relationship.
i felt like i couldn't be worth anything unless he deemed me so.
a load of crap, yes, i realize that.
but my god it was intense in the end of it.
well, i met someone.
happenstance.
i had signed on a dating site, trying to get past my ex........even though we were still together in every sense but the technical one.
and someone contacted me. .....usually guys who contact me on something like that are well.....less than desirable.
i'm not talking about because of looks or anything like that.....but i'm picky.
really picky. ......but only having to do with personality.....
and yeah...that just makes so much sense looking at my ex. right? *sarcasm*
anyway,
this guy contacts me.
and the electricity is palpable.
and we talk.
and the electricity is more so.
and we meet......i think it was only four days.
and i end up in bed with him the night we meet.
and it is the most incredible experience of my life.
and so we talk and we talk.
and i'm falling in love.
and it feels as though he is too.
but little things start to come out......
i'm still in total denial about what an ass my ex is.....
i'm still basing my worth on his approval.
but these little things start to come out.
i'll say something he did....that seems slight to me at the time......cause i'm experiencing much worse, so the smaller things pass by me as no big deal
and the guy freaks out....about what a jerk my ex is......and all this.
this happened several times.
and i'm making excuses for my ex.
oh....yes they both knew about each other.
anyway. remembering all of this is just painful.
it's one of those times where you just wish you can wake up and the nightmare will have passed.
everything after that is so confusing.
and such a blur of emotion.
i moved out into my own place,
my ex left for colorado.
a month later i took the kids to visit.
the custody stuff happened.
the kids got taken away and given to him.
and all of that.
then the trial and i got the kids back.
etc.
i know more happened in this time.
but......just the basics i guess.
if i forgot anything....well...my memory of that time is absolutely shot.
the adrenaline pretty much killed it.
anyway.
the guy can't handle what i went through with my ex.
he can't handle how i am and how i've dealt with all the crap.
fine, it's understandable.
but my heart is breaking.
and i can't stop thinking about how close we were.
and it's been almost a year since we've been that close
and i still just can't stop thinking about it.
and we broke up very recently.
we tried so hard to hold it together, but there was just too much past in it.
and i'm trying to hold it together.
and it's not working very well.
we're trying to be friends.
i care about him so much.
i know he cares about me......but i'm just too messed up.
too damaged and scarred.
and that hurts.
cause i mess up....and i'm not even aware of what i'm doing wrong......and then he's hurt.
and god.
i'm just really really tired of screwing up and not knowing what i did.
i feel like he's acting pretty reasonably.
just.....
my heart hurts.
it aches.
i feel like i lost my soul mate.
and it makes me angry.
so so angry.
just at life.
life and how unfair it is.
life and how damaging it is.
how just the simple act of living can destroy someones heart.
i don't know what i'm doing.
i feel so damned lost.
i feel like i'm permanently damaged
dirty. and wretched.
and all i want is for someone to see that there really is something bright and shiny and valuable inside, and to just hold it and cradle it and love me.
but maybe there just really isn't.
maybe it's all just smoke and mirrors and i'm fooling myself.
i want so bad to give love too.
and love someone and have them trust me with their hurts, and their pain.
i know he is going through painful things too.
i know he wants to be loved and cared about too.
i just want that person to be me.
and he can't trust me with the insides.
and that hurts beyond all reason.
i don't want someone else taking care of all that. someone else trusted with what's valuable inside him.
it was mine. he let me inside
and i was stupid and blind and really really dumb.
and i lost that privilege and life is so damn crappy.
so...i've been up most of the night sobbing my eyes out.
again.
i just wish i could make him see how much i care about him.
and i wish like hell he wasn't so damn far away.
i think that's the hardest part.
Fallyn posted on Mar 05, 2008
| views: 267
Comments
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moonriver said on Mar 05, 2008....
fallyn, i read what you wrote, from start to end. then, i read it again.
i won't say i fully understand what you're going through. but i see in it some glimpses of my own experience.
i don't have the answers. but i know one thing: whatever damage is imparted to you by a failed relationship, it will heal over time. just give it time. and, hopefully, also enough time for the new man in your life to gently grow with you.
i continue to listen to what you want to say... :-)
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Fallyn said on Mar 05, 2008....
it feels too late for that.
because so much of what i went through was hidden....and then it was revealed.....and it was just too much.
and right now i'm still at the stage of "its not fair!"
and i feel like i'm throwing a tantrum like a little kid.
and it just hurts so much.
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moonriver said on Mar 05, 2008....
yes, i see that now. at this stage, we are like a lightning rod continuously wracked by a zillion volts seeking an outlet for it to discharge. those zillion volts can do a lot of damage if a rebound relationship becomes that unfortunate outlet.
you have the right to throw tantrums at this point. you just have to find ways to discharge all that cooped-up negative energy without hurting yourself or other persons... ways that apply best to your situation.
what else can i say? talking about it, blogging about it should help.
oh, and catch up on sleep even for only a few hours. i'm like that too, sometimes... :-)
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I'mNotHungry said on Mar 05, 2008....
Fallyn,
I feel your pain in your writing and I'm sorry for what you're going through. I could offer you a ((hug)) or a shoulder to cry on. And when you want to, we can go out for some ice cream! (And I'll watch you eat it :-)
Keep writing, I have found solace in it.
Take care of you!
H. -
queenparanoia said on Mar 05, 2008....
fallyn: i dont know when this will be over. but i hope you'll find the hapiness you deserve... {{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} -
Fallen_from_Grace said on Mar 05, 2008....
Fallyn,
Thank you for your post. Thank you for sharing it, for being open about the pain. Because of my situation, it is incredibly helpful to hear what a lady going through all that has to say about it. I am here to listen when/if you need me, in fact it would be a privilege to do so. It is usually "the good ones" who end up so abused in life - because they are the ones who truly care about others and are willing to sacrifice for others...and the abusers are the one who never feel that *they* did anything wrong.
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Fallyn said on Mar 05, 2008....
moon...well, yeah...that's why i started writing it all out again here...it does help.
even if it's frustrating.,
not hungry.....*grin* do you know how self conscious it would make me to have you watch me eat ice cream!? *grin* i'm not a small person......i rather have a problem actually.
trying to think what we could do that would be good for both of us....cause i'm guessing more exercise wouldn't be what you need. but you know...that really would be cool.
queen. well....it won't ever be over. *grin*....it's life...and it just keeps commin.....i'll be worried when it doesn't.
i would be more easily content though if it could just reach an even keel.
fallen, i don't know that i'm one of the good ones...i make my own mistakes.
but fuck i'm trying so hard.
thankyou though.
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Fallen_from_Grace said on Mar 05, 2008....
Seems to me the the "better" someone actually is - the more they realize how much better they could be (i think that's what makes them try so damn hard). The ones who think that they're "pretty decent" and don't need to change...they are the ones who really hurt people because they are the ones who feel that they're *already* good enough (and so they don't bother to try to improve)
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Fallyn said on Mar 06, 2008....
*laughing* so what does it mean when you're trying really really hard to be better AND you keep hurting people? -
I'mNotHungry said on Mar 06, 2008....
OK - maybe we can just go out for coffee and see a chick flick :-) -
Fallen_from_Grace said on Mar 06, 2008....
ImNotHungry - LOL, okay...you buying?
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Fallyn said on Mar 06, 2008....
not hungry...now that sounds good. *grin* coffee works. :P
and it's been way too long since i saw a movie.
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MyHeartAches said on Mar 07, 2008....
Absolutely!
My treat!
You can even tet a triple shot! -
MyHeartAches said on Mar 07, 2008....
I will buy, if you let me join, ladies, triple shot, frap, latte .... whatever!
I am in desparate need of a girls day!
TRULY! -
Fallyn said on Mar 07, 2008....
me TOO. ...i'm just in desperate need of adult human interaction. *grin*
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Fallen_from_Grace said on Mar 07, 2008....
MyHeartAches...not to ruin the invite, but I'm a guy...still, I'm willing to let you buy the first round =)
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