• secretlife said on Mar 02, 2008....

  i think it would be a very good thing if you didn't have a scale in your home.
  that's one way to not weigh yourself all the time.
  since you know the downfalls, can't you try some of these tricks to try to change your behavior?
   

• I'mNotHungry said on Mar 02, 2008....

  if only it were that easy..........

• nytquill17 said on Mar 03, 2008....

  I just spotted your blog and I've been reading through your posts.  I can identify with a lot of what you've said, so I just wanted to say hello.  I don't have an eating disorder but I am/was a self-injurer.  I haven't done SI in a long time now, but it's not something that's ever completely in the past for me, either.  It's not quite the same thing as anorexia but it's in the same "family" of disorders and I think a lot of the causes and feelings can be similar.
  
  I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.  But from what I see, you have some important pieces in place.  You're working hard to stay alive and to get help.  Even if you're not seeing any change, you're giving yourself a fighting chance.  And you seem to have a lot of insight into your own mind and your own feelings.  In my own experience, at least, that's been really really important to have.
  
  You don't need my advice, and anyway I don't really have any.  I just wanted to let you know that I understand at least a little and that I'll be here reading.  I hope you're well today. :)
  

• I'mNotHungry said on Mar 03, 2008....

  nytquill17,
  If I may be so bold as to ask - how did you recover from SI?
  What strength did you draw on to make that break?
  

• nytquill17 said on Mar 03, 2008....

  It was a process, and it took me two or three years.  It wasn't something I went into with the intention of "fixing" my SI - and if I had, it probably wouldn't have worked out like it did.
  
  I had a troubled relationship with my parents (nothing that would put me on "Dateline" but enough to traumatize me).  Recovery for me was the long process of uncovering all the hurt, rage, and fear, going back through all the memories.  Not just letting my feelings out, but actually living through them for what seemed like the first time.  Talking with friends and therapists who validated my experience for me ("no, that was not normal, that was cruel.")  That helped a ton, because I always assume that everyone else is normal and I'm the one that's wrong.
  
  At the same time, I cut myself off from them pretty much completely for a year.  Even now, almost three years after I left, we have very limited contact by email.  They're not evil people and on a lot of levels I do love them, but they will probably never see things the way I do.  I surrounded myself instead with people who loved me and accepted me.  People who didn't expect anything from me.
  
  The way I describe it is that it's not so much that I stopped SI as it is that I got myself into a position where I don't need it just to get through the day.  It may always be with me.  Even now when I'm stressed or depressed or raging inside, the idea is there in my mind.  It's just that now, I'm not so exhausted that I can't say no to it.  Sometimes it's as easy as, "Not now, thanks," and sometimes it's a real struggle.  A few times, all that's stopped me is knowing that I will have to explain to my husband (even though he's very accepting of my SI) or my doctor.  And if I do it again one of these days, I won't hate myself for it.  I know that I do it because I need to do it, because I can't find any other way.  I see it as a sign of my will to survive.
  
  And I guess that's the strength I drew on.  I was on the verge of losing myself into that toxic relationship, but there was some little spark of "me-ness" that refused to die, refused to let me give up.  Spirit, or stubbornness I guess!  The funny thing is that it's that same spirit that drives my SI, because that's the way I get myself through when I just can't take any more.
  
  I tried to keep this brief, but I hope I didn't get too long-winded or upset you with anything you said.  I don't mind talking about it - it's not something I shout from mountaintops but obviously since I'm writing it on the internet it's not a big secret either - so feel free to ask more questions if you have them or talk more about anything.  You're welcome to send me a private message, also, if you ever want to. :)
  

• Mamie said on Mar 17, 2008....

  I am wondering, what does Ana want? How would she be happy?

• I'mNotHungry said on Mar 17, 2008....

  She is the demon who resides inside of me.
  She won't be happy until I am dead.

• Mamie said on Mar 17, 2008....

  why do you let her be with you? isn't she a harm to your daughter? your life? why do you let her be there with you? why does she get to have a name?

• I'mNotHungry said on Mar 17, 2008....

  I don't know why she's with me.  She's been here for as long as I can remember. She has been the only constant with me, the only thing I can *depend* on.

  Her name is ANA, which is short for Anorexia.  (term anorexics use)  Also use ED: a lot - Eating disorder.

  I LOVE my daughter.  I won't want to harm her in any way... ever!
  That was part of my problem last night.  I somethimes think she would be better off without me in her life. 

• Mamie said on Mar 17, 2008....

  I think it is time for you to give ana the big **F you, if you see what I am saying. *SHE is not some way/one to depend on...SHE* is a harm to you and your daughter. *SHE and *ED are not helping you....they *are potentially harming your daughter though. Only YOU can decide tho.
  Well, as for whether or not your daughter would be better off without you...I will just tell you that my sister in law left us 11 years ago, long story, tell ya later, but her daughter, my niece, STILL cries for her EVERY DAY. She cannot find solace in any thing. She cannot understand why her mom did not live differently in order to do something that would have kept them together. My niece was 7 when her mom died. She is now 18 and suffering. It is all I can do to watch her continue to grieve...I tell you this in case you really wonder if your daughter might be better off.
  just in case you wonder....btw, I am so glad to meet you...mamie

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