I’ve been doing a lot of thinking all day long. No big surprise. I’m always thinking. In fact it would be such an amazing feeling if I could just clear my head and not have any thoughts whatsoever. Just for a few hours. Is that possible? I don’t know, but for me it’s not.  And I’m not even sure I would like that feeling if I actually experienced it. I’ve noticed that I start to freak out and come out of my skin if my mind is not somehow occupied every second of the day. I’m not even exaggerating either. I must always be reading something, watching something, talking to someone, working on something, or thinking about something specific. If there is a moment when I have nothing to engage my brain, I get antsy and uncomfortable.

    If I’m watching TV, I must always pick up a magazine at the commercials to occupy me. When I lay in bed and try to sleep, I’m in the habit of talking to my girlfriend until I just can’t talk anymore and I fall asleep. But I can’t just lay there. It’s impossible. I’m like a little kid who must have his bedtime story or else forget about him sleeping. And after I’ve been asleep for awhile, I wake up and my mind immediately begins working again. Which means I can’t sleep anymore. So I get up. Usually way too early. And I can’t just sit on the couch and relax. I have to turn on my computer. Or watch TV. Silence is deafening to me. I can’t stand it. And even though I sometimes long for quiet….I crave the quiet….I don’t know if I’d be able to function in a quiet world. With a quiet mind. What’s that like?

    But I think a huge part of my unexplained anxiety is because I wake up every morning and I don’t know what to expect from the day. Or from my moods. And I actually feel a sort of separation anxiety from my house and my girlfriend. I swear I feel like a 4 year old sometimes. I know it’s okay to be attached to people and places, but this is a little ridiculous. I’m a grown man. And I’m anxiety ridden at the thought of being away from my sanctuary and the one person who makes me feel safest. But it’s not exactly a problem that can be solved or fixed. I can’t go to work with her. And I can’t work out of my house. We both have separate lives during the day that we have to live. No matter how close we are or how much we love each other, we have separate responsibilities in life. And that’s how it should be.

    If we were together 24/7 we’d probably hate each other eventually. Too much of a good thing is just not healthy. Yet, this is part of my problem. Because I don’t want to be away from her and our house, because that’s when I feel safe and calm. And since it’s not actually an option to be together all the time, I’ve tried to find other things to help me cope. Other people and places that make me feel safe. But is it healthy to exchange one security blanket for another? I don’t know. Because I find that when I can’t fulfill my secondary security measures, I feel lost. Utterly lost. And I worry so much that I’m relying too much on the security and comfort of others, rather than trying to figure out why the hell I’m like this. I just keep pushing the reasons aside because it’s too hard to think. I just want someone else to come along and distract me from the inner turmoil. Soothe it. Cover it over with a band aid.    

    I think I’m just tired of searching for answers and solutions to things that most people never deal with or even think about. I just want to curl up with my blankets and shut out the rest of the world. Shut out the problems I can’t fix. Or at least the problems I’m just too tired to fix. But while I’m doing that, nothing is being dealt with inside of me. Not really. Even talking about the problems with trusted people doesn’t really help me make it go away. Because there I am relying on them to help me and keep my worried mind company so I never have to be truly alone with myself.

    Would the answer be to try and isolate myself and force myself to clear my mind, just to see if I can do it? Should I cut off all contact with the things and people I love most, just to see if I’d survive without them? Would that conquer my fears of being alone? I’m not sure. They say sometimes you should confront your fears in order to expel them from your mind. But I can’t really do something like that without wandering off into the sunset and disappearing. Which would cause quite a few people some worry and sadness. So that’s not really a workable solution either. That solution kind of sucks and hurts everyone, including me.

    Then I sometimes think that the very thing I’m beating myself up over, is simply human nature. People do rely on other people to distract them and comfort them and help them get out of their minds. Being stuck inside yourself is such a selfish way to be. So in essence, my craving these other people is actually helping them too. They need me just as much as I need them. Don’t they? Well, maybe not quite as much. I know I’m needed, but I don’t think anyone else panics if I’m not there.

    This is something I’ve thought about a lot. And it’s not the first time I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m way too dependent on others to keep me sane. But every time I have this little epiphany, I think I need to do something to fix it. But I can’t. So I just push it aside and hope it’ll go away. But it doesn’t. And then I start worrying about my dependency again. And wondering if I need to fix it. And the cycle just keeps repeating. That’s why I’ve begun to think that this is one of those things in my life that I can’t fix. It just is. And I suppose if I was all very happy and content with this situation, it wouldn’t matter. But it causes me stress and anxiety, and that’s when I feel like it can’t be okay to be like this.

    People keep pushing the whole concept of ‘love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin’ Blah de blah. I know. I know that’s a nice piece of psycho-babble that I’ve heard a million times. And I think we all KNOW that’s true. But how many of us can really say we feel that way? How many of us are really happy with our own company and can say I love me! If you can, then bravo. But if you’re like most people I know, many of them actually giving me this advice, it’s a pipe dream. It’s not going to happen. That’s just not going to be me. I’m sick of trying to make that be me, only to fail and end up hating myself even more.

    I don’t really like who I am. But other people do. Other people see something I don’t see. Something I can’t see. And when I’m with them, it’s like stealing a glimpse of myself from their magic mirror. When I’m with them, I AM that person they see. I feel good about myself because I can see what they see. But when they’re gone, and they take their mirror with them, it’s replaced with a fun house mirror. I’m distorted and crazy looking. And even if I know that’s not really what I look like, it’s all I can see. Therefore it becomes my reality. That’s why I don’t like to be stuck in that maze of trick mirrors by myself for too long. Because the longer I’m in there, the more real the images become. You actually start to believe that they’re real.

    I need people. I don’t just enjoy their company. I don’t just want the companionship. I NEED it. And if that makes me even more damaged than before, then I guess I just need to accept that. Because it’s not something I can change. I’ve tried. And I’m thinking that maybe it’s time I stop trying to change something that’s so unwilling to change…I just give up. And maybe in giving up the fight, I can stop obsessing about it. And maybe the anxiety will lessen too. Because part of the anxiety comes from the guilt I have for being so needy. I’m scared that I need so much, and frightened that I’ll lose the people I rely on. So that makes me want to cling to them even more. Which makes me feel pathetic. Which in turn, makes me more anxious. And on and on.

    Confused yet? Welcome to my world…