So, before I can get to informing and hopefully entertaining you with my observations and situations, I'll have to introduce the crew.  The crew does not consist of friends, they're the people that I encounter regularly in my fabulously dysfunctional life.  The people that have inspired me to write this blog (unwittingly) are by no means the only ones you will ever meet in my life.  Take time to get to know them, judge them, blame them, defend them, whatever....they're here for your reading pleasure:

Lauren:  The LOTP (Leader of the Pack).  Married to an engineer making a comfortable living (henceforth, comfortable refers to the endless amount of Coach purses you can buy that never equal out to the Dior you can't afford), 2 shamefully hideous daughters (let's just say when you're pretty daughter earned the title because she's 25 lbs. thinner it's no first prize), and 1 son--who will probably never be discussed again (sorry).  Lauren is the quintessential mommy pretending to want the best for her girls but living vicariously through them, which is a lot of work when you're trying to make you and them better at the same time.   Not confused about her lack of hipness, she lives in a sedated bliss of seasonally adorned Sag Harbor blouses and mommy jeans (p.s. the high waisted look should only be allowed in the couture world of size 0's ladies!). 

Karen-- The Bitch-- Certainly the most irritating pack.  Karen is destined to take over the LOTP position due to her covert, manipulative nature (yes, the proverbial dark horse).  In the meantime, she displays her true lack of what is hip by connecting herself to the visually misguided Lauren.  Ms. K appears to be 10 years beyond 35, claims 39 and presents like a dowdy 27 trying too hard.  The brunette who grew up when blondes were the only thing fashionable wastes valuable time with peer validation.  The upside: her overstated administrative position (face it honey after all this time they had to name you Director, who wants to lose the only person capable of working the Brother Word Processor), keeps her from spending too much time on transforming herself mentally into a bottle blond.  The final observation about Karen, how long can you actually claim to have lost 5 lbs. a week before we see the results (DO THE MATH, Sweetie:  4 MONTHS OF WEIGHT LOSS AT 5 LBS A WEEK= 80 LBS.).  Nonetheless, Credit for her ambition, Karen is crafty and manipulative but when dealing with Glitteratzi supremely transparent.

Tiffany-- Attempting to live up to her 5 Diamond Name, Tiffany's mind is a blank canvas unfortunately, she's bordering on remaining that way (doesn't the ability to retain information fade as you "mature").  Tiffany is the mother of 1 daughter--if she has other pups in the pen they're rate below unmentionable and  a husband-unseen and under acknowledged. She is,  fortunately for every employer in America and the outer lying islands, a stay at home mom.  The extent of her conversation is Corian counter tops and unfunny observations bordering on manic: a la comatose barbie merged with chatty Cathy.  Tiff represents little threat to anyone of the positions within the crew.  She is Phoebe to Lauren's unattractive Rachel with less memorable musings (remember, the Smelly Cat Medley?).

Janet--Desperate.....I could say it in 4 languages and it will translate to one thing---SAD!.  Fighting to claim a full time spot in "the Crew", hereafter, referred to as "Poor Janet" or PJ.  Three Children, One irresistibly sweet husband with zero power over his social climbing but underachieving wife.  In her world, acceptance is the only answer and the desire of it makes her the biggest disaster of them all.  Buying all of the wrong knockoffs (yes, there are the right knockoffs), spending what doesn't really exist, and insinuating herself into situations that are beyond her means...Snaps to her for recognizing the need for social aspirations.....Stomps to her for failing.  This will sound mean,  okay it's meant to sound mean....Janet is the epitome of birkenstocks and madras in a ball gown environment....nuff said.

Dana--This girl is a gem.  My absolute favorite---brash, ballsy, always voicing the opinions racing through my mind.  What I save for the blog she is ready to pronounce with a bull horn.  Mother of 5, working woman, happily middle class (henceforth to mean she doesn't thrive on Coach but can afford it every blue moon), and married to a worker bee (this equates to a steady stream of income without excess).   Dana voices no aspirations to be in the crew but does have her moments of trying to impress them (her only downfall are her "My daughter this, My daughter" that moments but what mommy doesn't).  As a fashion plate, she isn't one but dresses age appropriately.

AND NOW......

Glitteratzi--Social Climber yes but only in the right crowd and the crew isn't it.  Never obvious about my material desires but always ambitious in going after them.  What you see is not 100% what you get...a multi faceted personality....75% Moet e Chandon, 25% Boonesfarm.  I can spot a Louis fake a mile away, smell the difference between Mary Kay and La Mer, and know how to combine a Chanel piece with off the rack chic.  Catty but always honest, Direct when I choose to be and uncaring about how it could impact me in those moments (sometimes it just feels better to get s*** off of your chest, but only when you have no need for the other person beyond the moment).  Mother of 2, wife to a wonderful man who has no idea what he's gotten himself into (my indiscretions will come to light but only on this blog, I promise).  Yes, I live in a Middle Class world but aim higher...it's what I should do.  Pretty, no, not in the conventional white bread way but in the turn heads and use it when I need to way....I don't have a desire to be in the Crew but they always seem to force themselves on me, I like to think it's because I have a certain flair...what the hell, je na sais quoi.  I'm Trendy, Fun, and not reaching for their attention, combined with the one thing they have all let go of---Youth and Confidence (30 really is the new 21).

This blog will keep you aware of this wild world.  No, it won't always be polite but it will remain honest.  No one is immune, self included so enjoy....you're opinions are welcome, just remember I don't have to like them anymore then you like mine but I promise we'll have fun together....Cheers (fyi....it's Moet today)