• the_infernal_optimist said on Feb 28, 2008....

  ((hugs))
  
  Well, I'll read whatever you have to say, if and when you choose to say it. I can't really imagine much that would make me turn my back on somebody, especially a friend.
  
  I hope you feel better soon!
  
  ~Infernal
  

• Fallyn said on Feb 28, 2008....

  thankyou so much ferny that means a lot to me.
  i'll get it eventually....i can't stay shut up for long.....my mouth won't let me.
  though...*laughing* i can't actually make any noise right now with my voice......aside from a rather strangled frog sound.
  

• Twylarants said on Feb 28, 2008....

  Ramble away, Fallyn.  That's what this place is for, right?
  

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Feb 28, 2008....

  
  Gute besserung, as they say here Germany (Get well soon)  dear Fallyn. . .
  
  I read everything you wrote, and if I don´t know it better I would think I wrote it myself...
  
  I have been here in SC for quiet a while, and I know what you mean about not really being anonymous. . .heck I brought the closest people I have in my life here. . .and before the PM, I was exchanging e-mails with friends here that really touched me and helped me enormously. . .
  
  . . .I wanted to write as if I am anonymous but still I want people I care for and who cares for me, read me. . .for the simple reason of needing to be accepted as a whole, as I am.
  
  As, I was lurking and not posting, I read your blogs, but did not have the focus to leave comments behind (depression and RL conflicts).  Even now, I am so nervous writing this because I don´t want to ramble and make my comment longer than your blog. XD
  
  I only want to say, from what I have read of your blogs, and the comments I read around, you are a wonderful, warm, humorous human being.  Human : not perfect but always striving for the ideal, like the rest of mankind : )
  
  I don´t know it if will have much weight, since until now we have not interacted but I wanted to leave this comment because I know how words help me in difficult times.  These are words coming from my heart.
  
  And in SC, somehow, you do feel connected to someone even if you have not interacted with them because of the words they write sprinkled here and there that touches you one way or another. . .
  
  And you have touched me...
  
  I would read whatever you write - I might not always be able to leave a comment, but it is more the chemicals in my brain :D and not because of what you have written...
  
  Warmest regards,
  
  paper ~
  
  
  
  

• Fallyn said on Feb 28, 2008....

  twyla...it is. ...it is....
  it's just the kinda stuff that people will go....WHAT?!!
  and .....*sigh* i'm just not brave enough for that reaction.
  
  oh paper. *HUGS* thankyou so much.
  i appreciate that so very much. what you just wrote touched me.
  and don't worry if your comment is or isn't longer than my blog.....i like long comments. *grin*....but i know what yo mean...cause i do it too......worry that i'm rambling too much on someone else's blog. just...thankyou. cause i am feeling better.
  

• Zayda said on Feb 28, 2008....

  I read this when you first posted it and hand to walk away and think about how to respond because I can see much of in what you wrote, especially the me of 10 years ago.
  
  And this part, is what stuck with me as I made lunch, graded a few papers, and pondered what you wrote:
  
  
  and i just.......i want people to see me as strong.
  so i have trouble being vulnerable right now.
  and then i don't get what i need, cause people see me as strong.
  
  
  You see, I can really see me in those words--or rather the me that I had to learn how to let go of.
  
  Fallyn--There is so much more strength in being vulnerable than there is in wearing that mask of strength that you want people to see.  A truly strong person let's him or herself be vulnerable because it's in the vulnerability that others see the real person and see themselves in you.  It's in acknowledging our vulnerability that we can say "I am perfectly flawed" and allow others to embrace those flaws.
  
  Anyone who really cares about you will embrace the strength it truly takes to allow others to see you as vulnerable.
  
  

• Fallyn said on Feb 28, 2008....

  wanting people to see me as strong is a new thing.
  i was never that person before.......and now...people see me as strong....and i would hate for them to see me as weak again.......cause that is what i was....weak.
  but i know i'm not...i'm strong....i'm just afraid to show the cracks in it.
  
  

• Zayda said on Feb 28, 2008....

  Faylln--But see the mistake you are making is equating vulnerability with weakness. They are not the same thing.

• Fallyn said on Feb 28, 2008....

  i see it. *grin* ......i do i do.
  i'm still figuring out the rules i guess.
  when to be strong, when to let the defenses down...when to not put them up in the first place.
  

• Zayda said on Feb 28, 2008....

  There aren't really rules, though. If there were rules, it would be a hell of a lot easier, you know.
  
  
  I think, given everything you have been through, it's very hard not to put those defenses up in the first place or from the get go.
  
  
  I've been through some merely trying things and a couple of truly devastating ones, one of which was pretty horrific. So, I know--to a degree--what you are going through even though our circumstances are different.
  
  
  What you're trying to figure out is how to trust yourself, which, when you have been in that place you have been, is the hardest person to figure out how to trust. Ironic as that may seem, you have to re-learn how to trust yourself, to trust your instincts because on some level it's not simply just a worry that you will be hurt or betrayed by someone else, it's a worry that you will betray yourself by not listening to that voice inside yourself.

• Fallyn said on Feb 28, 2008....

  that is a new take on it for me.
  no, i don't know how to trust myself.
  i've let myself down more than anyone else in the world ever could.
  you've hit it exactly on the head
  
  it's like my instincts, not only have they let me down......but i was "trained" for a number of years.....by he who shall not be mentioned by name........to not trust them.
  because of course my instincts were going against everything he was trying to turn me into.
  
  

• lfbno7 said on Feb 28, 2008....

  I think we all have things we don't want known about ourselves. It's okay. It's not your responsibility to confess to everything. Just say what you are comfortable saying. If you feel a need to confess or reveal something you can pm me if you want. That will give me a great opportunity to blackmail you. Let's see, what can I ask for. I don't really know, because I don't have the foggiest idea who you are anyway.

• Fallyn said on Feb 28, 2008....

  *laughing*  it's not ....confessions.....i don't know.......just major parts of my life are missiing on here it seems.
  
  

• Twylarants said on Feb 28, 2008....

  Flyn, Lennie actually had a good idea there...I wonder if he knew that?
  Why don't you pm someone you really trust here.  Tell them you want their honest opinion, not a judgment, just an opinion. Tell them what you want to write about, what it is you need to share, and find out what they think.  Pm Zayda...she doesn't strike me as the judgmental type (hope you don't mind me talking about you as though you're not in the room Zayda...: ) ). 
  
  

• Zayda said on Feb 28, 2008....

  [bonks Twyla on the noggin]
  
  
  No, dear, I don't mind you talking about me as though I'm not in the room. :P
  
  
  

• Fallyn said on Feb 28, 2008....

  *laughing*  i'm just trying to get a grip on stuff...i don't even know how to put it in words at this point. it'll come....with time.
  this is the first step.
  
  

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